Questions

I always tend to get caught up in the big-picture questions, like What is the Nature of God, and if the honeybees are all disappearing does that mean the planet is doomed? And if so, what is the point of having breakfast today?

But even so, there seems to be a lot of resonance to the question of WHY “them” and not me???? “Them” being the poorly prepared, abusive, or neglectful parents, me being the person who to all intents and purposes seems like a really good candidate for parenting but unable to conceive – at least easily. No good answers out there. None so far anyway. I can twist my mind around the convoluted logic I was taught growing up, about a “higher purpose” and “mysterious ways,” but it really seems like a huge load of crock to me from where I stand right now. (For some time now I’ve been unable to go to church without the urge to stand up in the middle of the sermon or hymns and scream “It’s all a pack of lies! Lies!” Which is why I’ve only been to church 4 or 5 times in the past year.)

Anyway, I’m probably in a bit of a negative frame of mind, being on the rag certainly doesn’t help. Over the past couple days I’ve been thinking about the intuitive knowledge that a lot of people talk about, when you “just know” that you are pg, or not, or whatever. So I ask myself, what do I “know” in my bones right now about childbearing? The answer seems to be – and it’s a feeling – body knowledge – that I have passed the point in time where I will be able to get pg naturally. I feel it in my bones. My body doesn’t really want to. I will never get pregnant. Unless, I hope, I can artificially coerce my body into it, which I’m willing to try, at least up to a point. We have a plan to try Clmid/IUI in October, and if it doesn’t work, may try again up to 3 more times in the Spring, when T will be here full-time for a semester. If it still doesn’t work, then we’ll move towards adoption.

Which brings me to another thought: what if we were meant to adopt? What if the Reason we aren’t able to conceive isn’t that I was stupid and wasted my fertile years on BCPs trying to serve humanity? What if there’s a child out there we were meant to parent? Of course one problem I see in this line of thinking is that seductive but destructive rescue fantasy. That, and the ever-persistent need/desire to find THE REASON, that ultimate, necessary REASON that makes it all ok. And philosophically I’ve adopted (no pun intended) the position that that kind of REASON is something we invent post facto, not something existing “out there” in the mind of “god” or whatever.

Anyway, like I said, I tend to get caught up in the “what’s the meaning of it all” kinds of questions but that’s how I am so I’m just gonna roll with it.

Who needs sleep?

The other night I was lying in bed listening to T. breathing, staring at the ceiling and wondering why a) I seem to have insomnia so frequently, and b) why I continue to have recurring dreams about poop. I mean, really, what does that say about my psyche? Anyway, when I got tired of counting backwards from 1000, or trying to remember all the books of the Old Testament in order (I was only missing six!), I started another little game.

When I was a kid I used to imagine what I would answer if a fairy godmother appeared and offered me three wishes. #1 and #2 were always to wish for blue eyes and blond hair (until about 4th grade when I developed ethnic pride), but #3 always varied. This time, I imagined what I would answer if a fairy godmother/genie/angel appeared and offered me a pregnancy (by T., of course) that would develop into a healthy baby, but as an either/or choice:

a) baby, or world peace
(world peace)
b) baby, or T.
(T.)
c) baby, or academic career in my field
(baby)
d) baby, or continued good health until old age
(good health…I think!)
e) baby, or sensible immigration reform this year
(immigration reform)

I can’t remember now what other Sophie’s choices I came up with, but it was kind of reassuring to know that procreation is not the be all and end all of my life, although it ranks up there pretty high.

I just don’t understand how two people can love each other this wholly and not be able to reproduce.

I guess I use a lot of euphemisms!

Funny

The other evening we were having dinner with a retired couple, very Midwestern, very Christian, and the wife was telling us about one time when her oven caught on fire, “but [the husband] came along and just did a great blow job.”

What T. didn’t say but wanted to: “So what happened to the fire?”

My MIL has the same tendency to commit double entendres very innocently. One Christmas she gave T. boxer shorts that said “Be Happy, Get Lucky” around the waistband.

So yeah, another cd1, right on schedule.

Elizabeth Needs…

(so it’s that game where you google [your name] needs, and see what comes up)
…to stick around, and be featured a little bit more
…to blog more often because she is smart and funny and knows a lot (I am not making this up!!)
…protection (maybe, but not THAT kind!)
…to be used (huh?)
…to get naked in a film real soon (awesome…)
…a nuk (what’s that?)
…the Fashion Police! (yep, yep – hence #5)
…to be loved (who doesn’t?)
…a Brewski
…to be able to express her feelings to someone she trusts. So many issues can be involved: she may feel guilt if there was sex, …

D’oh!

I missed the commentathon sign-up by just 5 minutes! Oh well – I dithered too long over how many comments I’ll be able to manage this week. We’re at a professional conference in Wisconsin; drove 17 hours to get here. Quality time in the car!

I feel really good, being here. I realized that the past three weeks have felt like an odd sort of limbo – I kept wearing my C.ornell t-shirt just to remind myself that, yes, I AM a student there. Not having structure yet feeling like oh my god there’s so much to DO, but I wasn’t doing it, and there were no consequences for not doing it, really threw me for a loop. And yet, not so different from my volunteer days (vague, self-directed assignment, total lack of supervision and structure, and that continuous internal pressure to for god’s sake DO SOMETHING!)

Here, to my great relief, I suddenly have a very clear script, role, and persona (think Goffman, if you’re into social science) and Hallelujah, I know exactly what to do with myself.

Anyway – I still want to do the commenty thing even if my numbers aren’t officially counted :-). So look out!

Dallas

Dang, it is HOT here. This has put a serious crimp in procreation-aimed activities. Gives a whole new meaning to the word “squelchy”… Plus, we are being hosted in a home with very thin walls…

Yee…Ha…

So tomorrow we’re off to Dallas – T. is teaching a 5-week summer course, but I’ll only be there the first two weeks. During the second week we’ll be going to Wisconsin for a conference where we’re both presenting (on the same panel! Awww!). I have a boxload of books I want to read and a writing seminar to plan for the Fall. And thus kicks off the summer of – nope, not love (well, hopefully some of that) but – crazy travel.

I’ll come home for a month during which time I’ll be working with a local youth-serving summer program where I’ll also be able to dabble in a little research. T. will be here for one week during that time.

Then we’re off to Bolivia and Colombia to do a program evaluation for the volunteer agency where we met (again, awww!). One downside is that I’ll miss a cousin reunion going down in NY during this time. Although they are all busy procreating, so it might have been a bit of a downer anyway.

Basically this is why we sat down with a master plan calendar last night and realized that the earliest we’re going to be able to attempt another clmid/iui will be early October. I’m kind of bummed about that.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking of checking out some alternative medicine angles because why not?

I wish we weren’t doing so much traveling; I wish my next steps were more obvious or clear or convenient; I wish I hadn’t waited so long to start trying ttc… But such is life.

either end of the spectrum

So I went to church today, for the first time in about a year (give or take a few months). I guess that’s not strictly true – we went to an Easter service, and I’ve been twice with my parents in Peru. But those don’t really “count” to me, since I was going for other reasons than just because I wanted to. Today I actually just wanted to.

Afterwards went to a coffee/bagel shop with some friends, as we’ve been doing for over a year – this is more like “church” to me than church is; we talk about silly things (like how hot men look in chaps) and serious things (like God and the meaning of life). Today we ended up talking about positive energy and the holy spirit. It was thought-provoking.

Sometimes I wonder to what extent negative energy in my life affects my fertility. But how would I know, either way?

Anyway, one of the *bonuses* of going to church today was learning that one of the teenagers who attends is about six months along. Sigh…

At the other end of the spectrum, I was thinking about people who have experienced IF that we don’t know about. I have this crazy theory right now about Laura Bush. While at my parents’ house, I found an authorized biography of her on the shelf and all of a sudden what Mel would call my “laydar” started ringing in – fraternal twin girls, huh? I quickly found and read the section where it talks about them building their family. It’s interesting to try to read between the lines. They were having trouble conceiving; she was about 35 I think, and they had just started looking into adoption when she conceived. So did they use ART or not? What do you think? The book said they were happily surprised, but I can’t help but wonder whether there was medical calculation involved.

Just one more way in which IF insinuates into every nook and cranny of the brain.

Belated meme

8 random things about myself:

1) I have a very mixed heritage: my grandfather immigrated to Peru from Japan in 1925 at age 11. When he grew up, he married a local girl and they had 8 kids. My mom was #4. When she was in her 20s, she met my dad who had just gone to Peru as a missionary from the US. He’s straight-up Anglo with a genealogy going back to the Mayflower. My sister and I grew up mostly in Peru.

2) My early childhood memories involve playing with Quechua children in rural villages in Peru. When I was 7, I learned how to weave a belt on a back-strap loom.

3) I placed 6th in a regional (Western NY) spelling bee at age 10.

4) My senior year in high school I was both valedictorian and student council president. It helped that there were only 20 kids in grades 9-12.

5) As an undergrad, I and two friends started a Medieval Club at our midwestern school. The highlight of the year was a hand-kissing contest that I helped judge.

6) After graduating, I spent four years as a community development volunteer in rural Bolivia, which is where I met my husband!

7) During that time, I had a motorcycle accident in which I fractured my left tibia. But I didn’t think it was broken, so I hobbled around on it for five days before getting an x-ray and, subsequently a cast. It was while laid up for six weeks that I learned how to knit.

8) One time, between jobs, I spent 7 months or so writing a novel that I’ve never showed to anyone.

I tag anyone reading this who hasn’t done it yet!!!