Passed!

I passed the GD test!  So happy!  Last time I had to do the 3-hour test which sucked.

My iron was a little low so I’m supposed to take an extra supplement, with orange juice.

V. went to sleep at 8 last night and only woke briefly around midnight (“briefly” for her means 45 minutes instead of 2 hours).  I think she was cold.  I cranked up the space heater and she slept through until 7 a.m.  Yay!

For some reason, even though I’m exhausted, I have a hard time falling asleep.

I’m hoping as I get more rest, though, that my blood pressure will drop down into a better range.  It’s still hovering right around that 140/90 line.  I haven’t told anyone except you guys yet.

afternoon delight

I had no child care for this afternoon, so I spent it with V.  Normally she’d take a nap around 1:30, and I was looking forward to napping with her, but she had fallen asleep briefly in the morning and that turned out to be it for the day.  Fortunately I’d decided after my GD test to call it a day and head home for a nap myself, so I wasn’t as weary as I might have been otherwise.  I’m still pretty weary – that combination jet-lag/hangover feeling where you’re so tired you feel a little ill.  (Not that I’ve ever been jet lagged and hung over at the same time…)

So I spent the afternoon tidying up around the house, and playing in the backyard with V.  It was so good for the soul.  The house is incredibly dirty, but at least it’s neater; my MIL is loaning me her cleaning lady tomorrow morning and I’m really looking forward to getting the floors and bathroom clean, clean, clean (the lady is conservative M.ennonite and I’m also thinking I’d better move all the vampire novels upstairs before she gets here…).

The really wonderful part of the afternoon was just sitting in the grass in dappled shade watching V. explore the flowers and weeds in the backyard.  It just felt peaceful and good and I didn’t even think about work.

boo, hiss

BP last night = 145/92

BP this morning = 139/91

I need more sleep.

28 weeks

28 weeks.  Today I had my GD test, routine check-up, and started monitoring my blood pressure at home.

The GD test was a bust – the lab called and said their machine is busted, adn can I come back in again tomorrow?  So that was a wasted morning… except I got to spend a lot of it reading, which was nice.  I didn’t even try to take work with me.

The check-up was…routine.  Only my BP was 128/80, which is higher than it’s been so far. 

So when I got home at noon, I took it again – 132/92.  BOOOOO.  140/90 is the threshhold for concern.  So this is not good.

I know I’m stressed, and not getting anywhere close to enough sleep.  I may have our sitter stay overnight sometime this week so I can get a real night’s sleep at least once.  At 4:30 a.m. this morning I just started crying – V. had been up for an hour and a half at that point and just would – not – settle – down.  I’d gone to bed at 11, after doing a bunch of catch-up housework after she went to sleep.  Keeping house, spending time with her, and doing my husband’s job for him while he’s out of town… I just can’t keep up.  Right now the housework is the piece I’ve been letting go – but it really bugs me when the sink and countertops are so full of dirty dishes I can’t even prepare a meal.  The floors are disgusting too.  So many friends have offered to help out while T. is away but housework isn’t something I can ask friends to do for me – it just seems wrong – and taking care of V. while I do the housework would be great except then when do I get to see her and play with her? 

Maybe next week I can get some rest and catch up on stuff a little bit.  And then T will be home again.  Although of course he’ll be busy writing the report on his trip…

contemplative

Two years ago today, I checked into the hospital with hypertension and other signs of pre-eclampsia.  It was a scary time yet when I look back on it, there’s a sense in which it was a sacred time as well, as we waited for the birth of our daughter.  Three weeks and three days later she came out wriggling and crying with her worried little monkey-face and has been turning our lives upside down ever since.

The other memories evoked at this time are of my friend H., who took his own life last summer.  Tomorrow is his birthday (coincidentally also my ex-boyfriend’s birthday and St. George’s Day) and his friends still at the university are planning a memorial event for next week.  He was part of my support network during my third trimester especially when T. was out of town traveling.  H. came to see me in the hospital and drove me to campus when they let me go teach my class one last time; he took me to my apartment so I could retrieve some clean undies and my teddy bear on the way back to the hospital.  The last time I saw him was there.

I’m missing T. right now again as he’s out of the country for 3 weeks.  It’s just put me in a quiet mood today.

evocative

I read this post from Infertility Just Sucks (secondary IF) this morning, and I just wanted to share it.  It’s about all the contradictory and fluctuating emotions that ebb and flow through the TTC journey; the self-questioning, the ups and downs of it all.  I could relate.

All About Me

This week I’ve had the luxury of being able to focus on myself, my journey, my health.

1. Monday I went to see a new OB, liked him, decided to jump ship with the other group.
2. Tuesday I went to see my chiropractor, followed by a massage, for lower back pain.
3. Wednesday I had my therapy appointment.

This afternoon I’m hoping for a nap followed by a yoga workout while V. is at Grammy’s.  Tomorrow is V’s 2-year check-up, which we’re doing a month early so we can talk about her sleep issues.  Friday I have nothing going on in particular.

This may all come just in time as T will be gone for the next 3 weeks.  I’m a little apprehensive on how well we’ll weather this time without Daddy, but a number of people have said “if you need anything while he’s gone…” and I plan to have my regular sitter come over a couple evenings a week to help out with dinner and bath stuff.  Hopefully it won’t confuse V. too much.

***

So, the new OB.  I made the switch at all of 26 weeks because I want to give my body the opportunity to go into labor naturally, and a chance, at least, to push the baby out on my own.  This doctor actually has a relationship with my old OB, in that they do backup for each other, but the difference is he’ll give me the chance to try for a VBAC.  His approach is cautious, and he wants to do a lot of monitoring, which to my mind isn’t super-ideal, but I’m fine with it – and it will make T. feel better.  He worries more than I do about the chance of bad outcomes, I think in part because everything feels so far out of his control, and control is how he copes with stress.

I’ve been paying attention to the things that make me feel like crying, because then I know something is hitting a nerve and there’s some truth or insight to be uncovered.  One thing has been remembering how tiny, vulnerable, and thin V. seemed when she was born.  She was early, 37 weeks, and I’d been having hypertension for 3.5 weeks.  The skin on her knees and elbows hung in folds.  She had this worried little monkey face, her forehead all crinkled in horizontal lines.  I felt so sorry for her!  I just wanted to tell her, everything is going to be okay!  You can relax, mama’s here and I love you so much.  I felt like I hadn’t done a good job taking care of her while she was in utero.

My therapist says I need to forgive myself for the circumstances of her birth, because it wasn’t my fault.  Besides, she was, and is, healthy.  I always wonder if her current sleep issues derive in any way from how she was born, but I guess there’s no way of knowing that for sure.  Maybe I just need to let it go.

I keep thinking of the quote that got me through the cesarean: “you have to want the pitch you’re going to get” (baseball reference).  You have no control over what life is going to throw at you; the best you can do is set your mind to receive it, and rise to meet it, whatever it may be.

Made the call

I just made the call to my friend’s ob/gyn, who is willing to talk with me about a VBAC.  Thanks to Tara for the nudge to take this step… appt. is April 12.