Better

Talking helps so much, eh?  I got some good feedback/encouragement from my committee today and yesterday, and also found out I still have until August 1 to submit the petition for In Absentia status for this Fall.  That took a load off my mind… I feel somewhat competent again. 

I’ve stopped charting for now; it would be a pain anyway the next couple weeks while we’re on the family reunion circuit.

Still no O

ovulation, that is.  42 days now and counting.

wah, wah, wah.

So I’m in a bit of a funk and annoyed at myself for being all complainy… but I’m going to complain anyway, I guess.  Didn’t get funding for my research this year, forging ahead anyway.  Running into roadblocks in terms of getting permission to do said research.  Trying to come up with Plan B that doesn’t suck.  Just realized I missed the deadline for In Absentia petition (necessary, given lack of funding, to avoid incurring major costs).  Sending out frantic e-mails to try to salvage current situation.  But really, I just feel like I SUCK at life.  I realize that I’m doing a full-time job parenting right now, and that’s truly wonderful.  The downside of that, though, is that when we have rough days I really start to wonder whether I’m good for anything. 

A friend of mine recently pointed out that going back to school after spending significant time developing yourself professionally in another field is disorienting, because you voluntarily submit yourself to novice status after gaining a certain level of confidence and authority somewhere else.  You give that up.  And it feels like crap.

I feel like a turd for putting all this negativity out there – hopefully it’s partially balanced out by the pretty picture at the top of the page :-).

State of the Union

So life has settled back into our summer routine, with the new addition of the BBT at 5 a.m. – this is usually when V. first wakes up; while T. resettles her for another hour or so of sleep, I groggily take my temp and then do the same myself.  It’s been depressingly monotonous – a steady 97.3 day after day.  I had one flukey spike to 97.8 one morning… thought oh, I ovulated, but no.  I’ve had my period twice post-partum, but it’s been 36 days now and no sign of ovulation yet. 

It must be because I’m still breastfeeding.  I had thought I would wean at one year, precisely so we could start trying again… but I find myself in a similar position as Doc Grumbles, feeling the pressure of the ticking clock in my ovaries (although in her case it sounds like it’s more D than her feeling the pressure), but at the same time so in love with our little one that I don’t want to divide my already divided attention even further. 

I do want more children.  I do.  So does T.  At least one more… I’m at peace with the idea of adopting, but I think we’re going to give it the ol’ college try at least once more here. 

My plan is to just keep charting, try to slowly decrease frequency of breastfeeding (right now we’re at 4x a day again), and have a frank talk with the ob/gyn once I switch to my husband’s insurance and am able to schedule a long-overdue annual exam next month.