finding it

We had a good day today.  Lovely weather, nice walks, I got my work done (mostly), and wasn’t too overwhelmed.  Val is back sleeping in bed with us after 3 or 4 weeks in her crib.  T. thinks she sleeps better in our bed, but I sleep less… so it’s kind of a catch-22.  Last night though we all went to bed at about 10, which helped… even though I was nursing her every 1.5-2 hours, I was able to drift off well enough side-lying.  I did take one 1-hour shift on the couch (from 4 to 5 a.m. – it was delicious) but then she wanted to eat again… we kept it up until after 9 a.m. so somewhere in those 11 hours I got some good shut-eye. 

It just doesn’t take much to drop me back into the despair zone. 

Having my SIL here was WONDERFUL.  She is GREAT with V., and it was just so comfortable having her stay with us.  I think she had fun too.  We let her know that we’d be glad to hire her as live-in nanny for the weeks when T. is going to be in Mongolia… although that’s not what she got her MBA for, so I hope she’s not insulted by the offer… but she’s between jobs right now and it would just make my day if she could do it.  Our place is small and cramped but if we could work something out I’d be so happy. 

Peace Corps was wrong: THIS is the toughest job you’ll ever love.  It’s kicking my @$$ but good.

losing it

This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.  I had visions of my baby kicking and cooing in a twee little basket at my feet as I worked on the computer.  I did NOT envision nursing her side-lying on the bed, scrawling illegible shorthand notes while reading ethnographies.  I did NOT envision forcing myself to stay awake during her afternoon nap so I could work on grant proposals.  I did NOT envision literally banging my head against the wall in frustration when she wouldn’t fall asleep at night.  I did NOT envision using the hand-pump in the bathroom while the rest of the household sleeps, so I can go to class and then office hours while T. watches the baby at home.  I did NOT envision having insomnia over the combination of visiting in-laws, grant proposals, course prep, insurance absurdities, car problems, and the scratchy feeling at the back of my throat that says I’m getting sick.  Oh, and anxiety over the new babysitter I’m test-driving this week. 

It’s not going well right now.  I don’t know how I’m going to last 7 more weeks until the end of the semester.

The other day I said to V., “if I didn’t have you, I would sleep a lot more, work a lot more, drink a lot more, socialize a lot more – but I would be so sad all the time.”

Shoulds

I should be reading.  I should be working on grant applications, or at the very least my incomplete coursework from last spring.  At the very least I should be emptying the baby’s bathwater, and I definitely should not be letting her nap this long (she’s a night owl – she usually naps from about 6-8, and then goes to sleep for the night at 12.  If I let her nap past 8 then she’s up until 1 or 2 a.m.  Of course, then she doesn’t wake up for the day until 9 or 10 in the morning). 

But I need a break, and I was sitting here feeling all contemplative.  I just finished reading Matt’s book – which, while not the social theory I’m supposed to be reading, was much much more enjoyable! – and it put me in mind of all those months of disappointment, the close acquaintance with the single pink line and the red TP. 

My experiences with IF and with the cesarean birth have both contributed to the difficulty I have leaving V. with other people.  The teenagers upstairs watch her four a couple hours a week, but they’re always within earshot, and they bring her to me if she cries too much.  I feel like I should put her in day care so I can actually get work done… but I also feel like she needs to be with me.  Or I need to be with her.