So, the iPod shuffle game: I kind of cheated by making an IF playlist of all the songs in my library that even remotely connected to my IF journey (from “Alcohol” by Bare Naked Ladies, for all those cd1s, to R.E.M’s “Losing My Religion”). It’s 56 songs. So here we go:
1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
“Anxiety” – Black Eyed Peas.
“I’m in a fast car, driving in the fast lane… Lord please, please, please, take away my anxiety”
I wasn’t anxious about my fertility; I was more anxious about the risks involved in becoming a parent. Especially, what if I turned out to be a really, really bad one?
2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
“Your Face” – Louise Taylor
“I keep looking for your face, in the morning/it’s that time of year again/when you should appear/with apples red and clear”
I put this song on the playlist thinking more of the face of my hoped-for, nonexistant child. I don’t really feel like a different person, actually, on balance.
3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
“I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow” – O Brother soundtrack
“It’s fare thee well, my own true lover, I never expect to see you again…perhaps I’ll die upon this train…but there is one promise that is given, I’ll meet you on God’s golden shore.”
For me, the HSG was the Rubicon – the marker of moving from “maybe” to “no.” Even though it came back clean and clear, just having to go to a hospital for the first time suddenly shunted me into the world of medical intervention. It was when I realized that seeing a midwife, eating whole foods, and reading about natural birth wasn’t going to be my lot.
It was the death of my hope and innocence about IF.
4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
“Bring Me to Life” – Evanescence
“now that I know what I’m without/you can’t just leave me/breathe into me and make me real/bring me to life…save me from the nothing I’ve become”
Oddly, except for the occasional TOTAL FIASCO, our sex life has only gotten better over the past two years. Although some of that is because of the commuting; it definitely sharpens desire.
5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
“Unable” – Jason Harrod & Brian Funck
“Nothing is random, nor will there ever be/all rivers run full into the sea/all those that break apart/brought together, can’t you see…/Unable ’cause we’re blinded/by this mystery”
Hm… actually I don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason,” I think most things are relatively random. But I have started to meditate for fertility, and I did a little rite of spring thing on March 20 (burned sticks under a sickle moon, made a libation of wine, laughed at myself, and still hoped it would work. It didn’t.)
6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to accupuncture and ‘body workers’? “
“Are You Out There” – Dar Williams
“Perhaps I am a miscreation, no one knows the truth, there is no future here…and what’s the future, who will choose it?”
I guess I’m willing to give it all a try, but tend to think those things are a little “out there.”
7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
“Sweet Sadness” – Gabin
[it’s in Portuguese, so I have no idea what the lyrics say]
I “came out” to one more person this past week, but generally am very closeted.
8. Your song for other people’s baby showers:
“With or Without You” – U2
“Sleight of hand and twist of fate/On a bed of nails she makes me wait/And I wait without you … Through the storm we reach the shore/And I’m waiting for you/With or without you/With or without you/I can’t live/With or without you.”
I’ve actually only had to go to one since starting TTC. It wasn’t that bad, because it hadn’t been a full year yet. But this song does reflect how I feel about my pg friends or friends who are moms; I can’t live without them, but sometimes it’s really hard to be around them.
9. What about our scary friend hope?
“Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” – Sarah McLachlan
“All my fears have left me now, I’m not frightened anymore…and if I shed a tear I won’t cage it, I won’t fear love/and if I feel a rage I won’t deny it, I won’t fear love/Peace, in the struggle to find peace/Comfort, on the way to comfort.”
10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
“Waiting Room” – No Doubt
“I sign in my name/I guess I have to wait a while/I’m gonna play this game/…/Humiliation/I’m in the waiting room …/I’m all alone in the waiting room /When you’re buried in solitude/It can get real thick/Desire is your only food/It can get you sick/… WILL YOU CALL ME WHEN IT’S MY TURN?”