Archive for the ‘boring details’ Category

Time

January 7, 2014

I have to write something. ANYTHING. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop for an hour while Gimli has the kids out, and I have nothing. ¬†The past few writing days I’ve had, I’ve been re-reading scholarly articles but today I don’t even know what the point is. I can see the shape of this thing, this dissertation; I have a pretty good feel for where I need to go with it, but every time I try to take hold of some part of it to actually make it so, it just seems so slippery. I can’t seem to get any traction.

I have in my mind two visions of the future – the one in which I finish, and the one in which I don’t. I want to be the version of me that finishes.

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Tomorrow

October 31, 2012

Tomorrow is our last day in the US before moving to Colombia. I’m kind of frazzled. Loose ends dangling everywhere. I think we’re going to be ok. November is going to be a crazy, crazy month… I’m kind of hoping things will settle down in December a bit, although Gimli’s trying to work in just one more trip back to Albania…

I am so very ready not to be living in my in-laws’ home anymore. They’re lovely people, but we just need to be in our own space again. I’m feeling very crowded (mentally more than physically).

Sometime I’ll have to tell you about the stress-fest that was our last Sunday at church… how I wrestle with the fear of other people’s judgments (real or perceived)…

See you on the other side!

Thinking

April 15, 2012

I’m thinking about taking a 40-day fast from social media, but I’m still thinking how exactly I want to do it. I’m thinking that May is going to be a hard-core dissertation-focused month, and I’m going to completely cut out celebrity gossip and other time-wasting internet activity (I’m looking at you, Facebook). I’m not exactly sure what to do about blogging. This is a very helpful space for me here, for processing my thoughts – and I have a lot of them right now – but I really, really need to be focused at the moment. And I don’t want to abandon all my bleeps, especially those in the proverbial trenches right now, but also all of you who are just… living life, and all that goes with that.

I’m feeling a bit like Bilbo Baggins at his one-hundred-eleventieth birthday, about to vanish in a little thunderclap to the consternation of all his friends and relations, off on another adventure. Feels a little rude.

I will keep you posted.

Apropos of Nothing

December 21, 2011

Sigh.

Deep thoughts.

::

Here’s something for pure entertainment – the new trailer for The Hobbit! I get chills every time I watch it, hearing the dwarfs sing (I didn’t nickname my husband Gimli for nothing) ūüėČ Though I might have to change it to Thoren Oakenshield now ūüôā

::

In a similar vein – you know that thing where someone in a committed relationship will pick out a celebrity (or five) who they supposedly could have sex with and their partner/spouse would give them a guiltless “free pass” if this would to occur (supposedly because it would never actually happen in this reality)? When I actually think about it in literal terms – like if it actually COULD happen – I find it totally creepy and gross as an idea. But if it’s just an exercise in rating relative hotness, then it seems ok. But my top three all seem kind of icky to me now, I wonder why? And those would be, in no particular order, Jon Hamm, Robert Downey Jr, and Johnny Depp. Jude Law used to be on the list but since the whole nanny cheating thing he has fallen from grace. And Jake Gyllenhaal, or alternately Joaquin Phoenix, but somehow that spark has died as well. I don’t know why I waste brain and blog space on this ridiculous question.

::

Since Gimli left for Cyprus on Sunday, after spending 24 hours with us at the close of his time in Armenia, the kids have been exceptionally cranky and clingy. EXCEPTIONALLY. I can’t wait til he gets back.

Which is weird, because I’ve realized it’s a pattern – I am way more tense and stressed interacting with the kids when he’s around than when he’s not. And I can’t figure out WHY. I can sort of partly figure it out – the same reasons we absolutely could not co-teach a college course together – but it’s awkward and inconvenient, because we can easily avoid co-teaching a course, not so easily avoid parenting together. It seems like when we divide the labor in certain ways (like taking turns watching the kids so we can each get some time off by ourselves) things go smoothly, but anytime we try to do something fun all together – even at home! It’s not just when we go out! – I get really tense and he gets frustrated with me. I need to get this sorted out somehow.

I have not bought or made any gifts for anybody whatsoever. I’m thinking of making a full English breakfast for the family on the morning of the 26th and letting that be my gift to them all this year. I dunno – my family has never been much into gifts and I have a hard time getting up the energy to get into it myself. If I plan way ahead and can knit everyone socks, that feels satisfying to both me and to the receivers, but I no longer make time for knitting anymore. Maybe next year.

::

If you had to find one word to describe 2011, what would it be?

Monday. And sleep.

October 24, 2011

So, my in-laws are coming back, Dec 8-Jan 4.

!!!!

I’m actually pretty happy about it; daydreaming of sending them out with the kids some afternoon after naps, while I stay home and watch a movie on the laptop and knit for two hours…. and of course I’m working on a short list of stuff I want them to bring us that we can’t get here.

They’ll also be arriving while Gimli is away in Armenia for two weeks, so it will be great to have extra help with the kids.

I am so spoiled for help.

My mom is taking the US Citizenship exam this week, and should be sworn in as a naturalized citizen in early November, which opens the door for her to get a US passport and an EU visa, which means she can come visit us!!!! Should all go well, we’re planning on having her visit in January. Hopefully my dad can come too, although his poor health might mean the trip would be too much for him. We’ll see.

Our nanny is going to a conference this week so I’ll be full-time momming. It’s ok. The hours suck, but the perks are great.

I read through my blog just now thinking of the Creme de la Creme… I don’t know… I have a couple posts that got a lot of comments, but I feel kind of shitty about submitting something when I didn’t actually read through last year’s list at all. I actually read ONE entry – the last one, at the moment when I pulled the list up, and I became a regular follower of that one blog – but it seems like if you’re going to put something in you should at least try to read through as much of the list as you can. Don’t you think? So I don’t know if I have the right to submit something this year.

Anyway…

::

I had a little encounter this morning with a neighbor that made me feel like crying; right after Dhurata arrived, I ran across the street to buy some milk before running off to my language lesson. I ran into our neighbor in the dairy aisle. “Why does your son cry so much?” she demanded loudly. “He cries and cries! Don’t you go to him?” I struggled to respond; I felt so attacked. She went on – “have you checked? Is it his teeth? What is his problem? Why don’t you bring him into bed with you?” She said some other things I didn’t understand, and I tried to explain that I know, I know it’s a problem I don’t know what to do about it, I do give him medicine when he’s teething for the pain, I hold him and give him water…

I just felt awful.

I told my language teacher about it. She sort of sighed and said “Yes, people always have suggestions, as if you’d never thought of it before!” making her eyes wide. She seemed to think I should just ignore the woman.

Oz’s bedroom is adjacent to this neighbor’s apartment; given how noise resonates through the building I’m sure they can hear him every time he cries. We’ve been doing some CIO this week; it seemed like Oz was going through a phase where he wanted someone near him all the time, so Gimli would go and lie on a mattress on the floor next to his crib, but instead of decreasing, the number of times he was waking up at night increased to like every hour. We have done some co-sleeping in the past, whenever we travel, he sleeps in bed with me, usually waking 4-5 times a night and nursing a lot. It feels like no matter what we do, we just never get enough sleep. Right now Gimli has taken over all the night-time parenting, at least until around 5:30 a.m. when he turns it over to me so he can get a few more hours before he has to get up for work. I still am not getting enough sleep. I go to bed at 9, but usually don’t actually fall asleep until 9:30 or 10:00. It’s just not enough for me. I’m tired of being tired.

The past two weeks, there’s been construction going on on the 7th floor of the building; we’re on the 4th floor but it sounds like the hammering and drilling is directly above us. It’s been awful for Oz’s daytime naps. Awful. It always starts at 9:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m., precisely his nap times. A couple times I just put him in the Ergo and took him out for a walking nap. I also tried putting him down in Illyria’s room but he wouldn’t go down in his crib, only in my arms on the bed. It’s hard to find a solution that’s sustainable.

I do feel bad that the noise of his crying bothers the neighbors. And I take this kind of criticism waaaaay too personally. I shouldn’t let it get me down, but it does. So I’m not sure what to do. We have talked about moving him into our room permanently, at the other end of the apartment. At least there he wouldn’t bother anybody. We’ll see.

It’s true

February 16, 2010

It’s true, you encouraging people. ¬†Things are slowly getting better. ¬†My current theory with the toddler sleep thing is that it just took her that long to get used to the new babysitter. ¬†Poor little one. ¬†She started sleeping better about the same time that she stopped crying every time I left her. ¬†I think that the various adjustments we made in her schedule helped, though, and we’re keeping them. ¬†The only other change I’m making right now is to wake her up 2 hours into her nap. ¬†The last couple weeks she’s been taking 3+ hour naps to make up for the interruptions in her night sleep. ¬†Only right now she has a stuffy runny nose and so I’m tempted to let her go a little longer today if she wants to.

I can’t believe it’s snowing AGAIN. ¬†I really feel for those people in DC and further north though who are getting it even worse than we are.

Oh, and we’re 18 weeks today… and I’m definitely starting to show…

Therapy

January 6, 2010

Thanks for all the comments ladies! ¬†I’m blushing!

So I went to see my therapist this afternoon, an appointment I made in early December when I got tired of waking up every morning hating life. ¬†I’m not feeling that way right now, but it still felt worthwhile to go see her since my head is swimming in the face of some of the decisions we have to make, some of them really soon.

1) Do we go ahead with our plans to go to Albania (or Colombia) next fall, or postpone for a year?

2) Should I try for a VBAC?

The first question is largely an intellectual one, to my mind, but we are dealing with so many unknowns that it’s hard to deal with solely on the basis of logic, even though that’s how I make most of my decisions. ¬†Also, there is a strong affective factor in that T’s feelings about his current job are a huge motivation for us to leave sooner rather than later. ¬†So it’s complicated.

The second question evokes a lot of emotion for me. ¬†I’m still grieving the loss of the opportunity to have a “normal” birth experience the first time, and trying to process what it means for my sense of identity and self as a woman. ¬†The facts are that the only OB group in town here who’ll do VBACs is the one with the midwives, and I had a pretty negative experience with them back when we were doing the initial IF testing etc. ¬†I really don’t feel confident in their ability to provide me with competent care. ¬†I do know a number of women who LOVE them and have had only positive experiences there, but I also have two good friends who were just as if not more so traumatized by the lack of, shall I say, professionalism there. ¬†So I’m not going back. ¬†My other option might be to go back to NY to the OB who delivered V., although that wouldn’t guarantee me a VBAC, just the opportunity to try.Which doesn’t seem worth it to me.

Having another scheduled caesarean at least gives me the illusion of control, in a way. ¬†But I still cry when I think about being excluded from the tribe of women who all know what it is to be in labor, to time contractions, to have their husbands be in awe of their strength and fortitude. ¬†I think it’s the last bit that is especially hard for me to let go of. ¬†I wanted to impress T. ¬†Oh well.

After the session this afternoon T. and I went to a coffeeshop to talk through everything together, and while I felt like we were largely just repeating the same conversation we’ve had over and over for the past few months, and are no closer to making any decisions, it did help me gain a little more clarity on what exactly is at stake for us, especially with decision #1.

Ok, I’ve rambled long enough and I think T. wants the laptop back.

Thanks for listening. ¬†Y’all rock.

Stewing

December 17, 2009

So here’s the thing.

I have no idea when, or if, I have ovulated this cycle. ¬†My own fault for doing no monitoring at all. ¬†This is the first cycle I’ve had since V. stopped nursing. ¬†The ticker (scroll down and look right) I put up here has a guesstimated ovulation date, based on my typical pre-pregnancy and unmedicated pattern of ovulating on day 18, followed by a short 10-day luteal phase. ¬†My period started again post-partum this past May, and my cycle lengths have varied from like 18 to like 36 days – so that doesn’t help me figure out whether I’m actually overdue for my period right now, or not.

I had what seemed like fertile CM on day 25 of the current cycle, but it was in the middle of my conference and so there was no follow-up with Mr. Bear. ¬†So, allowing for a generous luteal phase of 14 days after that, I’d still be due to get my period by tomorrow, at the latest.

T. wanted me to call the doctor on Monday, to set up an appointment. ¬†And I… forgot. ¬†Honestly, I did. ¬†I had a bunch of other rather urgent things I needed to take care of, and this one… slipped my mind. ¬†Ok, so maybe I didn’t make an EFFORT to remember… but he really wants me to go talk to them. ¬†When I remembered on Tuesday I thought, well, I’ll call on CD1.

I told T. that I may be a day or 2 overdue… he thinks I’m jumping the gun on getting my hopes up.

AND I AM!!! ¬†I totally am!!! ¬†I have NO symptoms whatsoever (though it would, of course, be early for that anyway… but) not even sensitive nips/sore breasts – which I totally had by O-day when I did get pregnant. ¬†Of course I was on progesterone then too…

This is stupid.  I should just call them tomorrow and let the chips fall where they may.

CD36

December 15, 2009

Not that I’m counting or anything… tell me, ladies, on a DIY cycle when you’re not sure exactly when you may have ovulated, how long would you wait to go buy the HPT? ¬†I feel like doing so would just be tempting fate.

sorry been awol

December 13, 2009

Sorry I’ve been AWOL here; Thanksgiving passed in a series of big meals (we had THREE turkey dinners on three consecutive days…) after which I was apprehensively busy getting ready to attend a professional conference, followed by said 5-day conference, and then recovering from the conference.

I just realized I’m on cd 34. ¬†According to my ticker, I’m 16 dpo, but I’m kind of thinking I ovulated really late in this cycle – really just 9 days ago. ¬†So I’m expecting AF on Monday or Tuesday.

And kind of thinking that I’ll call the ob/gyn on cd1.