Grief

This month, two of our friends have died from Covid. Both dads my husband’s age. We live so far away that it hardly seems really, but as we slowly absorb this knowledge the grief slowly rises.

And with it, the fear – the feeling of death encroaching.

A million years ago in another century, another lifetime, a friend and colleague of mine died in a bus accident and I remember her husband saying at the memorial service “cover your loved ones in death,” because that will cause you to live your love for them, daily. To be present to their presence. Listen to their beating hearts and love them.

Self-Assessment

I think that overall I’m doing better – I’m more cheerful and less tired – since I have started doing two things: journaling and yoga/meditation before bed, (20-30 minutes, I think) and staying hydrated throughout the day. I’m working on a system to actually track these things but it’s made enough of a difference that my husband has noticed.

My journal entries have a structure now, too: I write down two things that gave me joy that day, one thing I want to leave behind, a blessing for someone who is on my mind, and finally an intention for the next day. I’ve observed more follow-through on specific intentions, like “call the dentist” than general hard-to-measure ones, like “less Twitter.” I know intentions are supposed to be more like “seek contentment” or something but this is what is working for me.

I’ve been mulling over what my theme should be for this year. Several people have mentioned that that works better for them than specific resolutions. I’m leaning towards something like “contemplation” (as I biked to school today, the snow-dusted mountains inspired this feeling).

There are so many things going on right now in the world and in my immediate sphere of influence that could just derail any serenity I have not, but despite everything, I feel more serenity now than I did in the final weeks of 2021.

Resolute

“I may not be as strong as I think, but I know many tricks and I have resolution.” ~ The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway

This past fall, in my English 10 class we read The Old Man And the Sea. It was better than I remembered, having read it some 30 years ago in high school myself. The lesson plans I followed the old man’s quality of endurance and resolution.

My husband read something about resolutions that stick – apparently people are more likely to keep resolutions of two kinds: resolutions to do something you enjoy anyway, and resolutions that reflect personal aspirations – “I want to be the kind of person who [fill in the blank].”

If I think about it that way, I can find a focus for my resolve. I want to write more this year, and I want to be the kind of person who practices yoga every day.

I found a bedtime routine that I like and it’s become something I look forward to.