She’s back

AF, that is. I was really enjoying my freedom from her – after Illyria was born, it took a whole year for her to come back; this time it was 8 months. Last time, I was ready to start trying again – this time, not so much.

I am DONE. I have absolutely no doubt in my heart or mind. I have barely enough energy to meet the needs of these two… and I have zero desire to be pregnant again (possibly in large part because I have no doubt it would mean another high-risk pregnancy with hypertension, pre-e, and bed-rest, ending in c-section. No thanks).

So, what to do now? Condoms? The pill? Celibacy? Actually the third option seems the most feasible, given our state of sleep deprivation. Even when the kids sleep well, Gimli’s been having crazy insomnia and so we’ve both been grumpy and zest-less. But, well, we do love each other… that way… so we should probably have some kind of plan in place. I guess a lot of people go the vasectomy route, but Gimli’s completely wigged out by that idea so I don’t think it’s an option.

Anyway, it’s not like I’m assuming that the resumption of my monthly cycle means fertility, but Oz did happen without medical help, so I’m not going to assume it’s impossible, either. I just feel like I’m too old and tired to have any more children.

Send some love

to Jen, one of ALI blogging’s most generous and kind women, who just lost her baby at 16 weeks.

I should be working

So the kids are both sleeping (!!!) and I should be working, but I feel like I still have some emotional detritus I need to sweep clean to clear my mind first.

I feel supremely lucky and blessed in so many ways – here I am working on a graduate degree while someone else mops my floors – I don’t have to worry about putting food on the table or clothes on my kids – and yes, they are the most vibrant, challenging, soul-crushing and spirit-lifting blessing ever. I’m feeling better about things with Gimli too.

I’m also grieving my mom’s canceled trip. I’ve been crying off and on since yesterday morning just thinking about how she should be here. There’s this ghostly presence with me at all times – her shadow, in the alternate history that parallels my current reality – another universe, one in which she DID come when we had planned, in which she’s here right now. I have to stop doing this – imagining what we’d be doing and saying if she were here right now because it’s kind of crazy-making – but I can’t seem to give it up. I guess in some way it actually brings me a little bit of comfort.

A friend of mine once said that we missionary kids are like snails, we carry “home” on our backs wherever we go (something we learned very young out of necessity), and by and large Tirana does feel like home to me now. But I’ve been missing my mom keenly ever since Oz was born last July, for some reason, and even more since we moved here.

All I do here (on this blog) is whine!!! How dull. Well, it’s a venting space, as it is for many in the IF trenches. I’ll try to write something more interesting next time.

xo

 

Random

• No, I didn’t make that cake – I bought it at the bake shop across the street. Yummy!
• My mom was supposed to be arriving tonight for a 2-week visit but never left the ground due to visa issues. I am so bummed. I’m not sure when she’s going to be able to come.
• G. is sleeping better these days
• I’m brooding over a personal situation – marriage thing – ok, you know Emma Thompson’s character in Love Actually? I feel kind of like her, but I don’t know if there’s anything to it. I keep looking to Gimli for reassurance that we’re solid, and he keeps giving it to me, so I’m resting in that.
• Gimli also keeps joking about the hypothetical twins we have on the way – nicknamed Zemer and Corazon (“heart” in Albanian and in Spanish) – but to me it’s not really that funny!
• I’m feeling like a geriatric mom as it is.
• I need a nap.

38!