Errand

This afternoon I walked out of the OB/GYN’s office into a light drizzle, tears swelling in my throat.  It was a quick errand – just drop off some books I borrowed last year – but the intersection of too many sights, sounds, memories, and emotions came together there.  I looked down the hall and saw a woman in her third trimester being weighed on a scale.  I remembered the face of every person behind the desk, although I’m sure they don’t remember mine.  The art on the walls, the magazines on the tables, the lighting and the furniture – all evoked the memories of those first visits now 30 months ago.

I flipped through the stack of index cards in the lending library, looking for the one where I had written the titles of the books I borrowed, and found it at the bottom.  My name, the date – 12/17/07 – the titles.  I checked them off and wrote “returned 6/29/09.”  I wonder if anyone will look at those dates and ask why I had the books on pregancy out for such a long time (I just never got around to taking them back after V. was born). 

It was looking at my name in my handwriting that tipped the emotional scale for me; the ghostly presence of the person I was then – pregnant, worried – and the person I was before V. was conceived – so very sad.  There’s something about the baby seat in the back of the car now that, even as I parked in that all too familiar parking lot today, evokes emotions I can’t begin to untangle and name. 

I know I’m feeling sad that I’m not pregnant right this minute.  And I feel a deep well of compassion for that grieving woman I was 2 years ago.  And love and gratefulness for V.  And thankfulness to the NP and doctors who wrote my clomid prescriptions, wanded my vag, monitored my baby, and delivered her by cesaerean.  And I want more.  I want another one.  I wish I was young enough to have three more. 

Another day in the life.

TMI

EWCM

Milking it for all it’s worth

(I’m too clever for this blog)  So BF has been going fine since last night.  Neither excess nor shortage.  Don’t know what that was all about.

Beginning of the end? (of BF that is)

This post is all about the Critter and me. 

So tonight while putting V. to bed it felt like I had no milk.  At all.  She’d suck, get frustrated, roll off my lap, crawl back on, try to suck again… I don’t know how long we kept it up.  I wanted her to keep sucking to stimulate production but she was getting tired of not getting any reward.  Finally I put her into her crib and walked out for 3 minutes, drank a bunch of water, came back in (she was screaming the whole time, and saying “droosh!  droosh!” (her new word for “nurse”).  When I came back, I think she got a little bit of milk… but I really only saw her actually swallow 2-3 times.  She pretty much fell asleep on the breast.  I was crying. 

I planned all along to wean at 1 year, and have thought a lot about my sister’s comment that “as soon as you introduce solids, you’ve started weaning.”  But I hadn’t taken any steps towards it.  Nursing has decreased to 3-4 times a day, although last night she woke and nursed 3x (at 11:30, 2:30, and 4:30) and there didn’t seem to be any problem with supply then.  I actually thought all that nursing would increase my supply today. 

So I’m feeling bewildered and sad, and unsure how to proceed.  Should I introduce milk now?  What kind?  Formula?  Her 1-year checkup is a week from Monday, I guess I’ll wait to make any big changes until then, although I will go ahead and try introducing cottage cheese this week. 

I have loved nursing my baby and it makes me so sad to think about stopping.  I know not everybody has had good experiencing with breast feeding, this is just me and what it meant to me.  So I’m sad right now.  But also thankful that we have been able to do it this long.

Oof.

So, what’s new… still tired.  Today I didn’t try to do much but manage the basics – eat, nap, take care of V. – and got a 90-minute massage in the morning.  Nice.  My SIL was here, fab, we really get along and she adores Babycakes.  The feeling seems to be mutual although Mommy is still gratifyingly #1!  T. gets back from Uganda on Sunday night, whereupon my parents will move back to my aunt’s house (nearby) until we go back to VA. 

But yet, I finished my A exams (aka quals, comps, orals) and am now officially PhD candidate.  Here, this step also confers an MA which I didn’t somehow realize until I got the invitation to the graduation reception on Sunday!  I’m pretty stoked about that, actually.  It will be really nice to have my parents there to be all like proud of me and stuff 🙂 

So even though I suck at getting funding, at least I have something to show for the past 3 years of effort.  It feels really good.  Thanks to whoever submitted my news to LFCA – must be someone who knows me IRL or on FB since I hadn’t blogged about it here…!! 

Also, I’m now a Clicker for LFCA (category Secondary IF) and am just starting to familiarize myself with that section of the blogroll (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read this).  I haven’t somehow had all that much internet time even with my mom here helping out, but not sure why.  Anyway.  Boring ramble over now.  Going to bed.

oh oh oh

I forgot what I logged on to write ABOUT last night – I got my period yesterday!  First one post partum.  I am so ready to start temping and charting again.  I tell myself that it’s from curiosity to know what my body is going to do now, but really I can’t deny the deep wells of hope.  I know, setting myself up for a fall… but without knowing something about my cycles I won’t have much to take with me to the Doc, now, will I?

dramamama

I am so freaking tired.  I just want to write 300 more words tonight and then I’m going to bed.  Tomorrow I’ll spend my first mother’s day as a mother writing the rest of this exam. 

Today was just too full of drama.  T. left on a consultancy trip and my parents moved in for the next 2 weeks.  We are back in our basement apt. in NY so… yeah… close quarters.  I love having my parents around because they make me feel loved, but on the other hand I also feel like I have to look after them a bit, and T. gets all territorial and hackles raised when they’re around.  He doesn’t have patience for their foibles (which sucks because I am extremely patient with HIS parents’ foibles). 

Plus none of us slept particularly well last night… so we had a rough morning.  At noon, an hour before T. had to leave for the airport, we asked my parents to leave us for an hour.  I thought they’d actually go somewhere but when I went to call them I realized they’d just sat in their car the whole time…!!!  I felt bad, but they weren’t upset or annoyed.  They understood that we’re stressed out and whatnot. 

The big drama… oh the tempest in a teapot… not worth going into all the details, it was so lame.  A lost car key.  It’ll turn up, and if it doesn’t we’ll make copies of the other one, but it became T’s MISSION to find it and when we didn’t he about had a cow.  When he’s stressed he becomes kind of a control freak. 

I think V. misses him b/c it took her a half hour to fall asleep tonight instead of what has become the new normal of under 10 minutes. 

There.  300 words.  Now if only it was on dialogism and language socialization.

Tired

I’ve been too tired to post much recently.  Travel, school, parenting, etc… I’m usually feeling ready to go to bed by 7 or 8 p.m.  Still reading and rooting for people though 🙂

And… even though graduation always makes me feel a little ill, I really really do LOVE spring…