Archive for the ‘cd1’ Category

CD1 again today

November 9, 2009

Since I’m not really writing this stuff down anywhere else – Cd1 today.   I feel a new resolution to call the  ob/gyn, since it has now been 6 months of unprotected sx since I got my period back.  I think we should have them do a SA again too.


I’m 36 and feeling old.


IF Haiku

December 11, 2008

These are freaking awesome.  I thought of one but never submitted it:

CD1 again. 

And again.  And again.  And

Again, goddammit.

Dot Day

August 28, 2008

It has been exactly one year now since my LMP.  It’s easy to remember the date after writing or typing it so many times to calculate the due date.  This day started the cycle when little V. was conceived. 

I remember this day last year very vividly.  I was in tears for much of it.  I didn’t want to do clmid this cycle, but T. talked me into it.  I think it sucks when you’re ttc that you get so little time to mourn a failed cycle; the day you get your period you already have to start thinking about the next one. 

Today, I am deeply grateful.

Unequivocal *updated*

August 28, 2007

Thanks, AF, for jerking me around, you stupid cow.

This morning: bbt drops from a steady 97.7 to an unmistakable 97.3. I go to the bathroom and see red. I sit down and start feeling cramps. Six days overdue. Unmistakably here.

I don’t know why I even had hope… I must have read too many fairy tales as a kid. I kept thinking how poetic, how romantic it would be to get knocked up in Bolivia, where T and I met. Going back to a place that holds magic for me in my memory. We walked again through the park where we once kissed until dawn. We walked past the room where he first said “I love you.” And yet, going back there also made me feel so old… in some ways the poignancy of the memories made the intervening years feel all the longer and heavier… the contrast between then and now – then, when I felt inflamed with passion, and now, when when the anxiety for perfect timing turns lovemaking into a high-pressure chore. So that’s the specific loss I am grieving right now: loss of a lovely story. It might seem like it’s not a “real” loss; what could be more ephemeral and unreal than a story? But stories are what life is made of. Or into. Both, I guess.

Anyway, I decided not to call my clinic. This semester I teach on Monday mornings, and I feel like the pressure of trying to do an IUI between 10:30 and 12:00 on a Monday morning would just about kill me. Hopefully I’ll O on or near cd18, which will be a Friday. But really, why should I think that either strategy will work anyway?

*Just had long phone confab with T, who said “if you don’t shoot, you can’t score”: he wants to go for the IUI. So calling the clinic tomorrow. He said he liked Matthew’s post (though I know it stirred some controversy).


June 26, 2007

The other evening we were having dinner with a retired couple, very Midwestern, very Christian, and the wife was telling us about one time when her oven caught on fire, “but [the husband] came along and just did a great blow job.”

What T. didn’t say but wanted to: “So what happened to the fire?”

My MIL has the same tendency to commit double entendres very innocently. One Christmas she gave T. boxer shorts that said “Be Happy, Get Lucky” around the waistband.

So yeah, another cd1, right on schedule.

Bad Things Come in Threes

May 31, 2007

We got home Friday afternoon, and I got:
1) a 100-degree fever
2) my period
3) diarrhea

I’m finally crawling out of bed to catch up with the world. What’s up with you?

This might be my depression talking

April 30, 2007

So, 18 dpo, here I am at another cd1. It’s incontrovertible this time. (Thanks for the help in figuring it out!!!) My bbt was 97.3 this morning (my coverline is at 97.6); I stuck in another tampon and sat down to work on final papers. I could feel the cramping and familiar sensations of cd1. Twice between paragraphs I just started crying. I can’t actually find words to describe this peculiar pain, but you all know what I mean, unfortunately. I’m sad that this is how we found each other, because of our common pain, but I am also grateful for the forum.

I think part of the pain this time around is knowing that in 2 weeks I’m going to be spending mother’s day with my mom and grandmother, and it had crossed my mind how sweet it would be to tell my mom about a pregnancy. I know she has been praying for this for me for years. Yet some of the reasons I postponed parenting had to do with her; we have a pretty good relationship, but when I look at how she and my sister have been hurting one another for years and years it really makes me think twice. Sometimes I look at pictures of women holding little babies, and I imagine the adult looking at that picture of his/her own infancy, and thinking back to the sweetness and innocence and love of that moment, and contemplating the intervening years of pain and sorrow, resentments, conflicts, rifts and ruptures. We who work so hard to become parents, we have to hope and dream of the positive possibilities, but for some reason I sometimes find myself thinking about the possibilities for sorrow.

The year before I started ttc, my in-laws also found themselves in a profoundly painful conflict with T’s sister. I’ve really tried to stay out of it, but it also informed my decision at the time to postpone parenting. Part of the appeal of babies is their innocence, how unmarked they are by the sorrows of this world, but nothing can keep them in that state.

Last night I went out with some girlfriends to see “The Last King of Scotland.” Amazing movie, quite well done of course, but so hard to watch at times because of the intense violence. Knowing that it was based on real events made it all the harder to watch. I kept telling myself “it’s not real, it’s not reall,” but I knew that even though the images I was seeing were artifice, that these things have really happened to real human beings, and still do. Human beings that were babies once upon a time. So why do I want to become a parent? And why does my inability to do so hurt so much?

Hide & Seek

April 29, 2007

Who knew Auntie Flo had such a sense of whimsy? Tsk tsk, the old dear. Yesterday when her wee brown dog, Spot, showed up, that icky damp feeling was too distracting, so I put in a tampon. When I took it out in the evening, I saw red in the brown. But today? Nada. Where is she?

More importantly, do I count yesterday as cd1, or do I hang out and wait for an actual flow to manifest? Maybe it doesn’t really matter, since this cycle is a DIY anyway. I’m not even taking OPKs to Peru. What with the high altitude travel and all, I don’t really want to have to think about it.

I was super, super cranky this morning until I actually started writing (at around noon!). As I became immersed in my work I suddenly realized that I was having fun. Awesome.

Maybe God doesn’t want me to have children

April 28, 2007

Dealing with more stupid freaking university bureaucratic red tape and silliness – I won’t bother you with the details, but I pretty much hit the ceiling tonight over it, had a big fight with T who I felt like was bossing me around about how to handle my committee, lost my cool over losing internet connection, then walked all over campus in the rain at midnight trying to find an open computer lab or library (as a first year, I don’t have an office on campus). No joy in mudville. Came home and connectivity was back for some reason. How did I get so dependent on the internet???

The real reason I’m so cranky tonight (other than being really tired) is stupid freaking cd1, all over again. I’m just so tired of it all. Hopefully things will look better in the morning but man, April was one hell of a roller coaster this year.

She’s Here

March 30, 2007

AF arrived in a blaze of glory this morning, after 3 anxious days of ambiguous, brown-spotted telegraphs. I start Clmid on Saturday – I’m excited and a little scared! I’m also sick – some kind of crazy allergy/flu symptom thing. Ugh. Tomorrow I present a paper at a conference so hopefully will sleep well tonight.

Further updates as events warrant.