Another fun way to procrastinate – self-portrait a al Mondrian:
See Niobe for more!
I don’t like this time of year. Graduation time makes me feel sad, a little sick to my stomach, more than a little anxious. My own graduations (high school, college) made me feel this way, knowing that my life was about to change forever, and in unknown ways. The life I was leaving was about to vanish into memory. And then there were the break-ups. I graduated from high school in May ’91; in May of ’92 I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. In May of ’94 I had a major falling out with my sister (which we repaired about 6 months later, but at the time it was very upsetting). May of ’95 I graduated from college, and the guy I’d dated off and on for 3 years broke my heart. Always at graduation time.
It’s a good thing I have V’s birthday to look forward to this year, followed by a respite from the heavy work load of this academic cycle.
(Yeah, and I’m trying to put that to work by going back to school!)
My mom told me once that she wanted more kids, but my dad didn’t. I think she really wanted a boy (there’s just me and my sister). When I was about 14, she missed a period and wondered if she might be pg – she wasn’t, it was the beginning of menopause. She even had a name picked out: Caleb. My dad has had chronic health problems since I was little, maybe 9? He didn’t feel like he had the energy to parent another child. Reproductive decisions seem so ENORMOUS to me. Not that we have all that much control over the outcomes, but still. Crazy.
I just expanded my blogroll, after having cut it back severely a few months ago. My regular haunts weren’t posting often enough to feed my addiction! If you are a reader or lurker and want to be added, just let me know in the comments.
Now if I could only figure out how to set up an rss feed…
So I got notification today that my funding application for next year’s dissertation research was denied. I’m bummed but not surprised. It was a long shot, and I was acutely aware of some of the flaws in my research design. The feedback was actually quite helpful, and kindly worded. Still… it would have been nice. Not so much for the money, but for the validation. So it’s back to the drawing board.
The past 10 days or so were kind of tough…we finally started CIO sleep training, which has had its ups and downs… overall much, much less night waking, but it is so hard to walk out of the room when she is crying and reaching for me… hate it, hate it, hate it. Consequently I’ve taken a somewhat softer approach than recommended – I will go in and pick her up, kiss her, and then put her down before walking out again. She’s never cried longer than 30 minutes before going to sleep. Just before starting CIO I spent two nights sleeping with her on a mattress on the floor in her room, just to see if co-sleeping might be the answer – next to no sleep for me those nights. As timing would have it, that was just when I was starting my second exam…. How can you THINK when you feel jet lagged and hung over all the time? Pounding headache, heavy eyelids… I started drinking coffee again, after 4 years.
So I finally finished the exam, after getting a 2-day extension. It’s ok, not my best work, but not complete suckage. Two down, one to go (first week in May).
I have to say though I am SOOOOOOO HAPPY right now that my SIL is coming to stay with us for almost 2 weeks until we go back to Ithaca!!!!!! She is going to help look after V., help me clean and organize the house, probably even paint the living room!!!!! I LOVE her!!!!!! I love how she dotes on V., and I love how V. has so much fun with her. So that is my ray of sunshine for this week :-).
I was also thinking about this summer, how much free time I’ll have… at least I imagine I will… I’m hoping to get back on track with healthy eating. I’ve found that doing the school/mom thing means I can either cook or clean, but I can’t seem to manage both. So I’ve been eating lots of mac and cheese from a box, tortellini, PB sandwiches, and random leftovers of baby food. About once or twice a week I make real food with fresh vegetables and healthy protein. It might last for 3-4 meals, but that’s about it. If I want to start TTC again, I really want to be eating better. A girl can dream, right?
Both of these pendants were given to me as gifts; the cross on the right was from my college roommate, and the Venus on the left was a gift from a former student who is now a good friend. I got it in the mail almost exactly a year ago, just when I needed it. I don’t actually wear either of them very often but I like to see them hanging together. My sister’s first tattoo was based on the cross pendant – funny little trivia, that.
So, go check out what everybody else is showing and telling!
It’s spring. And little by little I see people on my blogroll starting to talk about trying for #2. Most of my blogroll are parenting after IF (or, as Farah puts it, after infertility treatments). I don’t know whether to feel comforted about the companionship, or scared that I’ll be left behind by everybody. “Perfect love casts out fear.”