All I can think about is…

…to test or not to test?

I don’t have an appointment for a beta or anything like that, so basically it’s up to me. At this point it’s almost 3 weeks past ovulation, no signs of spotting. I’m charting my temperature, and it’s never stayed up this long after ovulation – both of the other times I used progesterone, the cycle lasted 18 days past O. Now I’m at 20. But that’s only 2 days longer than what I would expect.

I’m too scared to test. I’d rather nurture the fantasy at this point.

So I’m just taking it one day at a time.

I promise I’ll post on something more interesting tomorrow… thanks for all your good wishes!!!!!

Postponing

So I’m 18 dpo. BBT actually went up this morning, even though I took my temp at 5:30 a.m. (when I got up to go to the bathroom) instead of my usual 7 or 7:30. No signs of spotting, but for the past 4 days or so I’ve been experiencing cramping in my lower back, and I can’t quite tell if it feels more like menstrual cramps or just low back pain from too much sitting and too little yoga and not enough chiropracter.

There are no pee sticks in the house. And I’m without car, so it would be a bit troublesome to go get them.

I am on progesterone, which can both lengthen the luteal phase and elevate BBT for no good reason. At this point I’m just going to wait it out. I think if I make it to Sunday without a drop in temperature, I’ll go out and get an HPT. T will be here then, with car.

—–
(2 a.m.) I don’t know, man, I’m getting pretty crampy. I think tomorrow may be cd1.

—–
(8 a.m.) Nope, BBT still high . . .

Euphemistic (now with *MORE* boring details!)

So after about a week of poking, prodding, and general obsessing, “the twins” (think beer commercial) are finally feeling just a little sore-ish. And big-ish. PMS…? (*so I’ve noticed that soreness increases through the day, starting with next-to-nothing in the morning. Interesting.) BBT is still high – and definitely higher than last month, when it hung just over the coverline at 97.7 for the longest time; now it’s at 98.1 most mornings. Interesting. Well, interesting to me anyway.

*I also had a bit of crying jag this afternoon while walking to campus on a gorgeous clear, sunny day. I was thinking about my late brother-in-law and feeling very sad. He would have really enjoyed exploring the gorges around here.

Just in case, I’m still steering clear of the grog, etc. FWIW. Not going to POAS until Thursday, or at all if AF shows up by then.

*Anyway, I’m going out of town for the next 3 days so probably won’t be checking in again until (late) Wednesday night.

Anthropological Moment

I came across this little tidbit while reading about the Nuer people of Sudan:

Likewise, were a woman to prove infertile, she was “free” to become a social man, gather cattle, and marry a wife to produce children for her.

Hutchinson, Sharon, 1992. “The Cattle of Money and the Cattle of Girls among the Nuer, 1930-1983” American Ethnologist 19(2): 294-316.

Really Boring, mostly on lack of "symptoms."

Not sure why I am posting, as I feel like I have nothing to say. It’s just about the waiting right now. Compared to last month, I have basically no soreness at all – just a slightly heightened sensitivity of the nipples. BBT is still high at 11 dpo. That’s about it. There’s no drama, no big emotional “stuff” going on – for the moment (as T. would say, “one-one thunder, two-one thunder” – I think it’s cute that he says one-thunder instead of one-thousand. He’s counting the seconds until my mood changes.)

Waiting and work. Plenty of both right now.

What I’ll do with a BFN depends on which day it falls; if cd1 is on a Sunday, Monday, or Wednesday, then I can try another clomid cycle and we can try for an IUI the second weekend in October (which is a week after my Fall Break). If it falls on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, then we’ll be sitting this one out. I’m not sure which one I’d rather, so I guess I’ll want the one I get.

Which could be none of the above. But we’re not going to think about that right now.

This semester…

… is totally kicking my butt.
———-
(some time later)

Wow, what a difference SLEEP makes. I take a nap for an hour, and my brain is magically working again!

Ok, so I need some advice, but I’m hesitate to post the situation here because, let’s face it, anyone could be reading this. Maybe I’ll write to the Smart Mama.

Bah! Yours is a Trivial Martyrdom

(that’s what one of my college professors used to say when he’d call us out on complaining)
I have zits on my chin.
The progestrone seems to make me feel hungry ALL THE TIME.
I rode a bus 13 hours last night (driving in a car would have taken exactly half as long).

Actually I really like taking the bus, except for it takes so long. Otherwise it’s kind of mesmerizing, and makes me feel like a college kid again. Until an actual college kid sits next to me with a big old hickey on her neck and starts texting while reading Don Quixote. Then I feel old.

Something to look forward to

I’m working on a little treat for my bloggy friends (that would be you guys) – a mix CD of my favorite “IFfy” music: the songs that seem to say it all. It’ll be like those radio give-aways, where you have to call in when you hear the funky music, only everyone wins. All I can say is – WATCH THIS SPACE!

(here’s a sample grab just to keep you interested – can you guess the chanteuse?)

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side…

Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we’ll make it?)

…

Sometimes it’s hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don’t make me want to give up

Betcha didn’t know that song could be experienced as being about infertility! Betcha you’ll say that about most of the songs on the forthcoming mix!

Oh – and thanks for being so nice about my intelligence… today was definitely a better day in that regard.

(dis)satisfaction

So far this semester I’ve spent a lot of time feeling dumb. And fat. Not sure which one bothers me more. A year ago when I re-started grad school, we decided to take a break from TTC in order not to overload ourselves since this was going to be a big adjustment. It’s the happiest I can remember being in the last five years – or more. Being able to spend my days and nights reading, talking, and writing social theory felt like heaven. I went back on the Zone and slimmed down pleasantly. Weekends with T. took on a spark that had been dormant for years.

Now I’m back, and TTC. I won’t go on the Zone again because I won’t eat low-fat cheese now, and only organic meats (so not much meat). I’ve also cut waaay back on soy. Instead of full fellowship like last year, I’m on an assistanceship, which is fine (I’m just glad I don’t have to take out any loans), but it means putting a lot of time and energy into the class I’m teaching (and I also feel very lucky as a second-year to be teaching my own class instead of just being a TA).

T. thinks that it’s the teaching that is making me feel dumb; I’m just simply not as immersed in the texts for the seminars I’m taking as I was last year. It’s a different kind of mental work. I feel he may be partly right, but I think that the TTC is taking up just as much if not more mental and emotional energy. I was such a wreck the week I got my period. And started another Clmid cycle. I was scheduled for presentations in two seminars that week, and I had a stack of essays to respond to. It was a bit of an overload.

I’m loathe to give up or curtail my participation in this online community because it means so much. Maybe I’ll drop a class instead. Or assign fewer essays. Or just get used to feeling dumb.

For lack of anything better to do

Sometimes I just come here and stare at my ticker.