I always tend to get caught up in the big-picture questions, like What is the Nature of God, and if the honeybees are all disappearing does that mean the planet is doomed? And if so, what is the point of having breakfast today?

But even so, there seems to be a lot of resonance to the question of WHY “them” and not me???? “Them” being the poorly prepared, abusive, or neglectful parents, me being the person who to all intents and purposes seems like a really good candidate for parenting but unable to conceive – at least easily. No good answers out there. None so far anyway. I can twist my mind around the convoluted logic I was taught growing up, about a “higher purpose” and “mysterious ways,” but it really seems like a huge load of crock to me from where I stand right now. (For some time now I’ve been unable to go to church without the urge to stand up in the middle of the sermon or hymns and scream “It’s all a pack of lies! Lies!” Which is why I’ve only been to church 4 or 5 times in the past year.)

Anyway, I’m probably in a bit of a negative frame of mind, being on the rag certainly doesn’t help. Over the past couple days I’ve been thinking about the intuitive knowledge that a lot of people talk about, when you “just know” that you are pg, or not, or whatever. So I ask myself, what do I “know” in my bones right now about childbearing? The answer seems to be – and it’s a feeling – body knowledge – that I have passed the point in time where I will be able to get pg naturally. I feel it in my bones. My body doesn’t really want to. I will never get pregnant. Unless, I hope, I can artificially coerce my body into it, which I’m willing to try, at least up to a point. We have a plan to try Clmid/IUI in October, and if it doesn’t work, may try again up to 3 more times in the Spring, when T will be here full-time for a semester. If it still doesn’t work, then we’ll move towards adoption.

Which brings me to another thought: what if we were meant to adopt? What if the Reason we aren’t able to conceive isn’t that I was stupid and wasted my fertile years on BCPs trying to serve humanity? What if there’s a child out there we were meant to parent? Of course one problem I see in this line of thinking is that seductive but destructive rescue fantasy. That, and the ever-persistent need/desire to find THE REASON, that ultimate, necessary REASON that makes it all ok. And philosophically I’ve adopted (no pun intended) the position that that kind of REASON is something we invent post facto, not something existing “out there” in the mind of “god” or whatever.

Anyway, like I said, I tend to get caught up in the “what’s the meaning of it all” kinds of questions but that’s how I am so I’m just gonna roll with it.


2 Responses to “Questions”

  1. SaraS-P Says:

    I have never been a favor of deterministic views on life. Anything can seem to have a purpose in hindsight. But people tend to grow and mature from hardship. When you become a parent, however it happens, you’ll be more prepared for it than someone who got there easily, and your child will benefit.

  2. Baby Blues Says:

    “What’s the meaning of it all” and “What if” questions are tough. Sometimes, as you said, we just need to roll with it. As for going to church, I hear you. I hate to admit it but I’m lukewarm in faith right now. I guess it’s just a phase. I hope to snap out of it soon.

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