So far this semester I’ve spent a lot of time feeling dumb. And fat. Not sure which one bothers me more. A year ago when I re-started grad school, we decided to take a break from TTC in order not to overload ourselves since this was going to be a big adjustment. It’s the happiest I can remember being in the last five years – or more. Being able to spend my days and nights reading, talking, and writing social theory felt like heaven. I went back on the Zone and slimmed down pleasantly. Weekends with T. took on a spark that had been dormant for years.

Now I’m back, and TTC. I won’t go on the Zone again because I won’t eat low-fat cheese now, and only organic meats (so not much meat). I’ve also cut waaay back on soy. Instead of full fellowship like last year, I’m on an assistanceship, which is fine (I’m just glad I don’t have to take out any loans), but it means putting a lot of time and energy into the class I’m teaching (and I also feel very lucky as a second-year to be teaching my own class instead of just being a TA).

T. thinks that it’s the teaching that is making me feel dumb; I’m just simply not as immersed in the texts for the seminars I’m taking as I was last year. It’s a different kind of mental work. I feel he may be partly right, but I think that the TTC is taking up just as much if not more mental and emotional energy. I was such a wreck the week I got my period. And started another Clmid cycle. I was scheduled for presentations in two seminars that week, and I had a stack of essays to respond to. It was a bit of an overload.

I’m loathe to give up or curtail my participation in this online community because it means so much. Maybe I’ll drop a class instead. Or assign fewer essays. Or just get used to feeling dumb.


5 Responses to “(dis)satisfaction”

  1. SaraS-P Says:

    I think grad school is designed to make you feel dumb. You are not dumb in any way.

  2. niobe Says:

    Feeling dumb isn’t much fun. The good thing is that the fact that you’re feeling dumb is rarely obvious to other people.

  3. Rachel Says:

    Correcting is the worst. I’m sorry you feel dumb. But that is clearly not the case. You know more than you think you do.

  4. Kristen Says:

    I’m sorry you aren’t feeling smart or slim these days. Lord knows I feel the same way. I am much too distracted to start an MBA program but I often feel stupid at work when something slips up (my fault or not). And I know I’ve gained a good 20+ lbs since I began dating DH and 5 of that has been since the m/c. That’s why I’ve joined a gym. I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.

  5. LJ Says:

    It is easy, when the think you can’t control goes to shit, to focus on – and feel bad about – the stuff you can. So we get heavier, feel stupid.

    You’re not stupid, and you know that too. It’s a transition we all go through…hoping tomorrow is a better day.

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