So far this semester I’ve spent a lot of time feeling dumb. And fat. Not sure which one bothers me more. A year ago when I re-started grad school, we decided to take a break from TTC in order not to overload ourselves since this was going to be a big adjustment. It’s the happiest I can remember being in the last five years – or more. Being able to spend my days and nights reading, talking, and writing social theory felt like heaven. I went back on the Zone and slimmed down pleasantly. Weekends with T. took on a spark that had been dormant for years.
Now I’m back, and TTC. I won’t go on the Zone again because I won’t eat low-fat cheese now, and only organic meats (so not much meat). I’ve also cut waaay back on soy. Instead of full fellowship like last year, I’m on an assistanceship, which is fine (I’m just glad I don’t have to take out any loans), but it means putting a lot of time and energy into the class I’m teaching (and I also feel very lucky as a second-year to be teaching my own class instead of just being a TA).
T. thinks that it’s the teaching that is making me feel dumb; I’m just simply not as immersed in the texts for the seminars I’m taking as I was last year. It’s a different kind of mental work. I feel he may be partly right, but I think that the TTC is taking up just as much if not more mental and emotional energy. I was such a wreck the week I got my period. And started another Clmid cycle. I was scheduled for presentations in two seminars that week, and I had a stack of essays to respond to. It was a bit of an overload.
I’m loathe to give up or curtail my participation in this online community because it means so much. Maybe I’ll drop a class instead. Or assign fewer essays. Or just get used to feeling dumb.