Archive for the ‘mis-conceptions’ Category

CD1 again today

November 9, 2009

Since I’m not really writing this stuff down anywhere else – Cd1 today.   I feel a new resolution to call the  ob/gyn, since it has now been 6 months of unprotected sx since I got my period back.  I think we should have them do a SA again too.

Yuck.

I’m 36 and feeling old.

Uncertainty is not my favorite state of being

November 8, 2009

Sometimes, to figure out what I’m feeling, I have to look at what I’m doing.  Especially when what I’m doing goes contrary to what I say I want.

I say I want to try to conceive again, but I’m doing nothing to anticipate ovulation.  I’m not even temping.  I’m not peeing on sticks – except every once in a while.  I haven’t called the ob/gyn for an initial consultation, and I did nothing, really, to wean V.

Then V. weaned herself.  But that’s a story for another post.

So finally T. and I cuddled up for a good chat, and what I uncovered when I looked inside was a lot of fear.  I’m scared to try again.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to get pregnant, but I’m also scared that I will.  And why I’m scared of that has a lot to do with the uncertainty of our plans for next year.

T. is due for a year sabbatical from his university job, although a recent change in the sabbatical policy actually pushed his eligibility another year into the future.  However, we had agreed a few years ago that he would take 2010-2011 off, and we would go somewhere overseas for 1-2 years.  There’s a long backstory here that has to do with his frustrations at work and our desire to raise V. at least partly in another country, where she could learn a second language fluently and become a social misfit like we are (T. and I were both missionary kids).  But the upshot is that even if he can’t take a sabbatical for ’10-’11, we’re still taking the year off.

So he’s put in an application for a leave of absence, which means he needs to find a paying job to cover during that time.  Using his extensive contacts from the consulting work he does he found two possible gigs – one in Albania and one in Colombia.  And for a short time we thought there was a possibility in New Zealand as well, but that didn’t pan out.

So.

Albania!

Colombia!

We’ll need to make a decision soon; the hard part is that the details of each gig are different enough that it’s hard to weigh – apples and oranges – which is best.  I’m more partial to Colombia simply because I really want V. to learn Spanish, and I haven’t been doing a very consistent job of talking to her in Spanish at home for it to really stick.  But I’d also be happy going to Albania because it seems like a really interesting country, and we’d be able to visit a lot of other European countries easily, and I’ve never been to Europe apart from 10 days in England in 2003.

But… would I want to move to a foreign country while pregnant?

Our move would happen sometime between June and August of 2010.  So, if I were to get pregnant before the end of the year, I’d be due… well… right around then.

T’s philosophy, and the approach I adopted for TTC the first time, is to try, see what happens, and then based on what happens, work around things.  As we have come to understand all too well, the outcome is truly not in our hands.  We do what we can with the resources we have and then have to let it go.  The first time around, I didn’t care WHEN we got pregnant, no matter how inconvenient, I just wanted it.

But now, remembering what it felt like to be in a somewhat unstable home situation in the third trimester (had to move out of my apt. while the bathroom was being remodeled) and how I ended up on hospital bedrest due to the threat of pre-eclampsia, I feel very different about things.

T. pointed out that our parents did all kinds of moving around while they were having kids, and I pointed out in turn that they were then TEN YEARS younger than we are now (my in-laws, for example, moved to a new house the SAME WEEK that their second child was born).

I feel very protective of my potentially-pregnant future self.

I don’t want to pack up the house and move to another country while in the third trimester.

So we’ll see what happens, I guess… I’m acutely aware of my age, and T’s age, and that we don’t have much time (in fact, we may already have run out of time and I just don’t know it yet).  I have in the back of my mind a notion of international adoption.  We want another baby.  I just don’t know how it’s all going to work out.

retrospective

September 18, 2008

I was looking through my archives today, for no real reason and with a pile of other things I need to do more urgently – but realized the obvious: I used to write a lot more than I do now.  It was kind of cool to see all those words that I put out there, catch an old narrative thread, glimpse the algorhythms of hope and sadness. 

Right now, I can’t think of anything to write about that isn’t a) trite and commonplace, b) totally Critter-centric, or c) complaining.  Although I complained a whole bunch today on my other blog.

Well, here: a couple thoughts wrested from comments I made this week on other people’s blog posts.

1) Mel wrote about how badly the press handles celebribump news , and I wrote a comment in response that was eaten by the WWW and is now forever lost.  Anyway, it was just a rant about the cover story on US weekly a month or two back, on Brangelina – “IT WAS IVF!”  What bothered me most in the reporting was the quotes from an unnamed source “close to the couple,” saying that they had done IVF because it was “easier” than TTC naturally.  They were impatient and wanted to “knock it out.”  First of all, how in the world is IVF either easy or convenient?  I didn’t check out the success rates they cited, but really.  I was more or less incensed.  It made it seem like people who do IVF are selfish and impatient.

2) I applauded Dr. Grumbles on speaking out about IF etc. to her students.  It’s still really hard for me to cop to our struggles to conceive.  Even when someone else opens the door to a confessional by talking about their own struggles.  The other day I had little V. with me at a meeting, and while we were hanging out waiting for the formal part to begin another woman started talking about conceiving her first.  She reminisced that she’d had a couple drinks with a friend for the first time in two years, and found out later she was pg at the time.  The second was conceived easily.  I forced myself to mention that it had taken us a while to conceive as well.  We exchanged one glance of mutual understanding before our professor/mentor chimed in that isn’t that just how it goes, when you least expect it/stop trying/relax is when you conceive.

Hah. 

I didn’t correct her. 

We conceived on the cycle that we tried the hardest.

So, I wasn’t going to complain, but there you have it.  On a happier note, I recently survived another weekend with my in-laws, and this time I didn’t once experience the acute desire to jump out of the moving car or drive a knitting needle through my eye.  Progress!  🙂

Dot Day

August 28, 2008

It has been exactly one year now since my LMP.  It’s easy to remember the date after writing or typing it so many times to calculate the due date.  This day started the cycle when little V. was conceived. 

I remember this day last year very vividly.  I was in tears for much of it.  I didn’t want to do clmid this cycle, but T. talked me into it.  I think it sucks when you’re ttc that you get so little time to mourn a failed cycle; the day you get your period you already have to start thinking about the next one. 

Today, I am deeply grateful.

So You Think I Have Willpower?

August 24, 2007

It may be cd32, and my cycles may typically be 30 days long, and it’s true that bbt is still holding steady and there have been no signs of spotting…

BUT. Breast soreness has been decreasing gradually over the past 4-5 days, AND after 31 BFNs in a row with nary a hint of a positive, ever, I feel like what I’ve learned about pee sticks is that when you pee on them, you get one line. That’s how it works. And so I put it off, because right now at least I can fantasize that maybe, maybe one of the two haphazardly-timed attempts (one in Bolivia, one in Colombia, with one extremely dramatic and traumatic no-go in between) worked.

Meanwhile, I sternly made a new rule today that I will ONLY blog after 9 p.m., henceforth, in order to ensure that I get my work done in a timely fashion… and, oh look, it’s 5:00!

Willpower? Not so much.

Haven’t fallen off the face of the earth, yet…

August 12, 2007

Hello from Colombia! Read more about our trip here, if you are curious.

Gave it the DIY-try twice this week, we’ll see if anything comes of it but I’m not optimistic since the timing was a guesstimate, at best. Plus that nagging low-progesterone issue. And flying in and out of a high-altitude city several times already this week.

But it’s good to be here, takes me out of myself.

I read on Mel’s blog about what Janna (was it?) said on Oprah, that the infertile woman thinks about her nonexistent children as often as a mother thinks of her flesh-and-blood ones. That could explain why it feels like I think about infertility all the time

From the complaint department

August 6, 2007

We all know know mother nature can be a bitch. It’s just the passive-aggressiveness that is starting to get to me. Yesterday inaugurated our Likely Ovulation Week (or LOW) and accompanying FDMOBMS (Forced Death March for short). At the same time, we both came down with colds, thanks no doubt to the crazy-ass pace of the work we’ve been doing as well as the winter chill. (Remember, south of the Equator = winter in August). These factors combined produce a decided anti-aphrodisiac. Granted, winter in Santa Cruz looks like this, sans ice/snow/etc., but where houses are completely unheated 45 degrees F can feel pretty nippy. We’re tired, we’re snuffly, and it’s too cold to take my clothes off.

Double Line (OPK)

April 11, 2007

Oh my god oh my god oh my god – this could be IT – or it could be another step towards a new level of disappointment. Either way I’m going to be FINE.

I was totally thinking about something else (like, oh, pending summer internship, Institutional Review Board Human Subjects Committee application, my dissertation committee, coursework, the Freshman Writing Seminar I’m teaching next fall…) when I remembered “oh, time to POAS.” I left the stick in the bathroom while heating up my lunch; sat down to eat and remembered, “oh yeah, look at the stick.”

Double Line! I called T; “Double line!” I said.

“Are you sure?”

I offered to take a cell phone picture and send it to him but he declined – “I wouldn’t want to call you a liar!” So he’s driving up tonight, since his classes are done for the day, then driving back tomorrow to get home in time for his evening class. Then coming back here on Friday, I presume.

So I talked to the clinic, got a little bit in trouble because I didn’t call them before noon. Thing is, I was so worried about doing the POAS later in the day, I forgot that their protocol specified this. So I didn’t POAS until 3:00. (I ended up sleeping until 11 – ah, the life of a grad student!) Bottom line is, they can still do the IUI tomorrow, just not until later in the morning. It should still be fine…

How on earth am I supposed to get any work done now???

Out, Out, Damned Spot!

March 26, 2007

Oh well.

Turmoil

March 21, 2007

What is it about Spring? Or maybe it’s just PMS… I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since Sunday. It probably didn’t help that Saturday was the 2-year anniversary of my brother-in-law’s sudden and unexplained death (leaving my sister with a 6-month-old daughter).

Sunday night I spent three hours at our local big chain bookstore reading the ONE book on IF that I found there, cover to cover. I am still ruminating over what I thought about it; the intended audience seems to be the upper-middle-class career woman. I was a bit put off by what I felt was the overarching message of “hurry hurry hurry now that you’ve selfishly squandered your fertile years building a career, you stupid selfish thing,” but I might be reading into it a little bit. I’m a teeny tiny bit prone to excessive guilt-tripping… in the way that Mt. Everest is a teeny tiny little hill…

I think what freaked me out more than anything was the association they point out between low progesterone and high chances of m/c. My official diagnosis is “unexplained,” but my progesterone is low-ish and my luteal phase short-ish, hence the Clmid in my future, so this really frightened me.

The other thing that happened while I was reading this book was a major freak-out over my recent birthday. Heck, I’m THIRTY FOUR now… this means I have TWELVE MONTHS before my expiration date…

I ended up going home, journaling furiously, then escaping to the bathroom to cry with the fan on so my husband couldn’t hear me. I took advantage of the moment to scrub the floor and tub, though.

Later, I cried in his arms some more and we talked about it. He made me laugh, as always. He’s so cute too when he puts on his “active listening” hat (he’s getting good at it!). He helped me identify my primary fear, which is: that we made a bad decision by postponing ttc, and that there’s no remedy now, and we have doomed ourselves to childlessness. He sounded more open about adoption than he has before, although he remains confident that IUI is going to work for us. His nickname around the house may be “Evil,” but Sunday night he was “Light.”