I am so relieved. I should have gone PWP a long time ago, but I was trusting in my family’s lack of tech-savvy to keep this blog private (if you look under my profile, I blog more generally about my life at Knitting Through the Valley, or ep-knits.blogspot.com – my whole extended family has that url). It actually took 8 months for a family member to find The I Word, which was actually ok with me, because of who it was, but then word began to spread – and it started to feel too risky. This blog is a bit more raw than the persona I usually present to the family. I think my parents would be SHOCKED to know that I occasionally use foul language and enjoy drinking wine.
Anyway, the reason I’m so relieved is that my Aunt C. has been reading my news this past week and she is just way too excited! I swore her to secrecy but if T. found out that she knows? He’d be, well, more than a little put out. So I wrote her a long e-mail about why I’m going PWP and blah blah blah, and she was totally understanding and not hurt or put out at all. Hence the relief.
Man, negotiating family relationships can be such a minefield.
So this weekend we’ll be at the family farm seeing my parents who are visiting from Peru, my sister, my niece, cousins, aunts, uncles, all. I’m only supposed to tell my mom and my sister though! And on Sunday we’ll Skype my in-laws with the news, for parity. I have to remind T. that we need to tell my SIL too. They are going to be *over the moon*.
I know it seems early, but I figure that I’d rather share the joy than not. I KNOW my MIL is going to be just way too excited – but I’ll just have to find a way to deal with that. It will be nice to make her happy.
Last night I dreamed that I was at the family farm and started spotting red. Then suddenly started gushing a yellow liquid streaked with red. Gushing, like water from a hose. I called 911 but gave them the wrong address. Some of my Peruvian/Japanese relatives were there, and three of them were actually doctors (this is not true IRL); they examined me and said I was almost certainly going to miscarry. I was crying and crying and trying to dial 911. But I was sure I wasn’t going to miscarry, absolutely certain of it, I just needed to get help.
I think this is all about the stress of telling family. Even though I’m so excited to tell, there is that fear of jinxing it, and the fear of having to go back and tell everyone about a loss. It’s also about the complications of family and relationships with family – the complicated claims that we have on one another through kinship and marriage, the constraints that are entailed, and the the concommitant support and love.
The day before the scan I felt really zen about it. I was hesitant to entirely trust that feeling, but I had some kind of sense that everything was going to be ok. I’m trying to relax into that zen when thinking about this weekend. But I’ve bitten all my fingernails short today.