Archive for the ‘dream diary’ Category


January 11, 2010

A few nights ago I dreamed that I was pregnant with quadruplets, as a result of IUI.  But somehow I found out that the sperm sample had gotten switched and I had been inseminated with one from my college ex-boyfriend!!!  The horror!  I was trying to figure out how to tell both the ex and my husband when I woke up.  And that was the third time in one week I had dreamed about the ex.  Another time I dreamed he was dead, and we were at his wake.  Just strange.

Just now during my afternoon nap (o luxury!) I dreamed that my mom was worried about my scan tomorrow, telling me “but the leaves haven’t fallen off your back.”  Apparently a sign of early pregnancy (in my dream) is that dark leaf-shaped patches appear on your back, but they fade away as the pregnancy progresses.  But mine weren’t fading away.  I said to her, “I know, and my belly isn’t popping out like it should be either.”  I know where this anxiety is coming from – I saw a woman at church today who is about 2 months further along than I am but is looking VERY pregnant, whereas I’m still incognito.  Even though none of my pants fit anymore.


not taken for granted

November 3, 2008

So I finished the grant application.  It was a lot of work.  I don’t know how good it is.  I keep thinking of things I should have presented differently, other authors I should have cited.  But it’s done, and it was my best work given the constraints I am under.

I put it in the mail on Saturday morning, and promptly developed a splitting headache followed by an episode of food poisoning.  Ugh!  For a moment while I was battling nausea, feeling exhausted, repelled by the thought of food… I wondered if I could be pregnant again?  It would be way too soon, really.  And ironic and strange.  But after the bad food I ate finally came back up and was purged from my system, I knew it was just food poisoning.  I drank some ginger ale and my headache ebbed away.  Today I’m kind of sad knowing that it was just food poisoning.  Sad and glad. 

Oh, I have to tell y’all about my dream the other night – a reviewer for the foundation I submitted the grant to was scolding me for referencing one particular theorist, saying “Philips is very problematic, especially in upstate New York!”  When I woke up I was thinking about it and realized that 1) my last name sounds like Philips, and 2) my project has nothing to do with upstate NY, but it’s where I live right now… so what I’m actually worried about is that I am not good enough, me personally, as opposed to my actual work. 

Now that I write it out it doesn’t seem that funny, but at the time it kind of made me laugh.

does this mean anything? probably not.

August 13, 2008

Last night – or, rather, early this morning – I dreamed for the second time that I was being sexually assaulted by the doctor who delivered V.  He’s kind of a small man though so in both dreams I successfully fended him off.  But it gave me a really icky feeling!!!

Analyze THIS!

April 10, 2008

I slept something like 11 hours last night, punctuated by the usual trips to the bathroom every 2-3 hours, so perhaps it’s no wonder that I had some pretty strange dreams.

1) I’d had the baby, and I was home, but I had left the baby at the hospital. So I went back with my sister to get it. When I got there, in the crib there were like 8 babies – all mine! I didn’t remember giving birth to 8 babies, but there they were, at all different stages of development – some were standing in the crib. They all looked at me like “who are you?” I picked up the littlest one, which looked like a newborn except it was only about 7-8 inches long. I cuddled it and cooed and then… put it in my pants pocket (????) and we left.

2) I’d had the baby, and was at work teaching a high school science class (um, not exactly what I do in real life). Suddenly I started sobbing because I missed my baby so much. So I went to pick it up and… it was a very large printer cartridge. That’s right: my baby was a printer cartridge. That could also download computer programs. So I put it in a sling and carried it around, showing people my black plastic cube of a baby… somehow I knew it was going to turn into a human baby soon (????)

There were more, but these were the baby-related ones. Bizarre.

Dream Diary

February 2, 2008

This morning I woke up at 5:30 a.m. from a horrifying dream, perhaps because T. is away for a few nights and I felt unprotected. Maybe I won’t go into all the details (they are, well, nightmarish) … but it started out with Halle Berry’s pregnancy but ended up being about me. In the dream, I voluntarily submitted to an unanesthetized abortion, only it was performed on my heart.

Thankfully, when I woke up the baby was kicking up a storm. When I couldn’t get back to sleep, I finally said “ok baby, you’re awake, I’m awake, let’s have some music” and played my guitar for awhile. The dream faded, and eventually I fell asleep in the warm cocoon of my bed while the snow and freezing rain fell outside.


December 26, 2007

Last night I dreamed my baby was born; the doctor said he thought it would live, but at 17 weeks I knew better. I woke up gasping for breath. When I went back to sleep, I dreamed that I was a cross-dresser competing with George Clooney for the affections of Marilyn Monroe, and the three of us chased each other around a grape arbor.

Strangest Dream EVER

November 16, 2007

I was in church with Terry, and we sat down about halfway towards the front on the right-hand side. It didn’t look like my idea of “church,” but I knew that was what we were there for. It was an amphitheater, with steeply inclined concrete steps instead of benches or pews to sit on. They were very uncomfortable. As we were settling in I saw Viggo Mortensen – made eye contact, nodded hello – I thought, “I guess he remembers me from the film.”

When the service started, it involved a tall thin man with white hair showing us how to make hand-made paper.* I actually went up front to see from close-up. He was making a range of kinds of paper, from fine to coarse, and articulating some analogy to spirituality. All the paper had inclusions of different kinds, mostly pressed flowers. The colors were in a range of lavender, lilac, and blue-gray. He dropped one piece and I helped him pick it up carefully (seems like it was still damp).

So then I went back to sit with Terry again, and there were piles and piles of pillows and cushions all over the seats, little puffy ones – white and mint green. Terry was drinking a beer, and I saw people walking in with bottles of all sizes, and growlers even. Everyone had beer. Someone said it was something they were doing to keep people coming to church. The atmosphere was very much like a sports event.

So then this dramatic spectacle of a musical number started, complete with oversized sunglasses swinging from the ceiling (spectacle, get it?). We got a little fed up and left.

Outside, there were skeletons everywhere. It was really gross and kind of upsetting. There was one that we were particularly responsible for, as well as a collection of bones. All the skeletons had bits of clothing and desiccated flesh still on them. At first I only saw them lying in black plastic bags sort of heaped around the doorway to the church, which seemed to be an enormous building – like a parking garage – partly underground. Then I saw rows and rows of skeletons all along the roof, all the way around. They were everywhere I looked. Terry and I had to do something with our skeleton but I’m not sure what – take care of it, in some way. I felt quite upset.

What could it possibly MEAN??? Skeletons and beer in church??? Interpretations coming soon…

*Which is one of my hobbies in real life.


October 19, 2007

I am so relieved. I should have gone PWP a long time ago, but I was trusting in my family’s lack of tech-savvy to keep this blog private (if you look under my profile, I blog more generally about my life at Knitting Through the Valley, or – my whole extended family has that url). It actually took 8 months for a family member to find The I Word, which was actually ok with me, because of who it was, but then word began to spread – and it started to feel too risky. This blog is a bit more raw than the persona I usually present to the family. I think my parents would be SHOCKED to know that I occasionally use foul language and enjoy drinking wine.

Anyway, the reason I’m so relieved is that my Aunt C. has been reading my news this past week and she is just way too excited! I swore her to secrecy but if T. found out that she knows? He’d be, well, more than a little put out. So I wrote her a long e-mail about why I’m going PWP and blah blah blah, and she was totally understanding and not hurt or put out at all. Hence the relief.

Man, negotiating family relationships can be such a minefield.

So this weekend we’ll be at the family farm seeing my parents who are visiting from Peru, my sister, my niece, cousins, aunts, uncles, all. I’m only supposed to tell my mom and my sister though! And on Sunday we’ll Skype my in-laws with the news, for parity. I have to remind T. that we need to tell my SIL too. They are going to be *over the moon*.

I know it seems early, but I figure that I’d rather share the joy than not. I KNOW my MIL is going to be just way too excited – but I’ll just have to find a way to deal with that. It will be nice to make her happy.

Last night I dreamed that I was at the family farm and started spotting red. Then suddenly started gushing a yellow liquid streaked with red. Gushing, like water from a hose. I called 911 but gave them the wrong address. Some of my Peruvian/Japanese relatives were there, and three of them were actually doctors (this is not true IRL); they examined me and said I was almost certainly going to miscarry. I was crying and crying and trying to dial 911. But I was sure I wasn’t going to miscarry, absolutely certain of it, I just needed to get help.

I think this is all about the stress of telling family. Even though I’m so excited to tell, there is that fear of jinxing it, and the fear of having to go back and tell everyone about a loss. It’s also about the complications of family and relationships with family – the complicated claims that we have on one another through kinship and marriage, the constraints that are entailed, and the the concommitant support and love.

The day before the scan I felt really zen about it. I was hesitant to entirely trust that feeling, but I had some kind of sense that everything was going to be ok. I’m trying to relax into that zen when thinking about this weekend. But I’ve bitten all my fingernails short today.

Outta here

July 22, 2007

We leave for Bolivia today – started spotting last night – here’s to the last gasp of the summer.

This past week has been all about touching base with SQ friends. Saw SQ friend yesterday who offered me her leftover injectables. She’s going to do one more IUI and then call it quits. They’re looking into local adoption agencies. She looked so small and forlorn when she told me all this.

I had this bizarre dream the other night where an older friend was coming towards me, and when I saw her bump (she’s not pg IRL, I think her husband recently had a vasectomy in fact) I threw myself into a pit of mud, then buried my head in it while I heard her talking with others about me (all very concerned and sympathetic). Then I went into another friend’s house to get all my stuff I had stored there, and she herded her small children away from me in fear that I was going to steal them. “Infertile women aren’t crazy!” I shouted, and ran away.


April 18, 2007

I realized today that I’m so in the IF closet that I couldn’t even bring myself to write “infertility” under the blog title. I changed it today. I also realized that the MAIN REASON I’m in the closet about IF is that I’m in the closet about TTC. This sounds stupid, but it’s like I don’t want people (meaning, specifically, church people of my parents’ generation, including primarily and most of all my in-laws) to know/think/suspect I’m “doing it” with my husband.


Thank all the little puppies for this blog where I can actually say “fuck” and not feel like I’m going straight to hell.

I had a dream 2 nights ago (yay, here we go with more amateur dream analysis!)* about washing a kitchen towel in clear, clean flowing water that was coming out of a rocky spring in someone’s kitchen. Here’s what the dream dictionary had to say:

“Clearing negative feelings such as despair or self doubt; fears about health – neurotic phobias about ones own wholeness. Sometimes this is shown as a healing of past hurts or tensions, even a warming of cold emotions. If clear and sparkling it symbolises faith, fearlessness, purity of feeling, hope and joy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If the water is calm, clear, then it signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.”

Pretty cool.

*sarcasm intended