Archive for the ‘cesarean’ Category

A Tale of Two Cesareans, Part II

August 10, 2010

The first time, I would have had labor induced at 37 weeks except that V. was breech and would not turn.  We learned at her delivery that her cord was very short, and that’s probably why she stayed put regardless of all the tricks we tried (barring external version and acupuncture, because of my pre-e and hospitalization).  So I had a scheduled cesarean.  I was terrified.  But I had the support of our lovely doula, who helped me be able to stay present and focused during the whole process and to find meaning and sweetness and connection through it all.

This time we didn’t have a doula.  Ironically, G. was head down and at zero station and perfectly positioned to exit through the birth canal, but because of my hypertension we weren’t given the chance to wait it out and let me go into labor on my own.  Because of my previous cesarean, induction wasn’t an option either.  I was one fingertip dilated at the time of the surgery.  For some reason knowing this fact breaks my heart.  My body wanted to do it’s job, but wasn’t permitted.

The second time, I didn’t have a doula, and I wasn’t nearly as scared.  I felt much more prepared and I knew – in general terms at least – what to expect.  Some things were quite different, having to do with the two hospitals’ internal policies, which we had no control over; other differences had to do with the team of medical staff who worked with us.  In general, I liked the first hospital’s policies better and the second hospital’s staff (especially the anesthesiologist) better.  I experienced much less pain post-partum and a quicker recovery.  Breast-feeding also came much more easily and with MUCH less pain the second time.

What is making me sad right now is knowing that that’s it for me.  That is the sum of my birth experiences.  Two cesareans.  And I feel like a failure.

This all came to the surface for me today when I got an e-mail from a long-ago friend who has a toddler about V’s age and is about to birth her second child.  She’d heard from a mutual friend who lives in her city that I’d had pre-eclampsia again, and then went to my public/family blog and read what I’d written there about our journey.  I don’t write a whole lot there about my real feelings about things – I tend to make it a bit shiny for the grandparents – so she couldn’t know all my angst about the cesarean thing.  Anyway, she wrote to me about how she’d had pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy but had an unmedicated (apart from the induction) birth, and with the second pregnancy she worked really hard to prevent pre-eclampsia again by exercising, drinking lots of water, and eating 90 grams of protein a day, and now at 38 weeks her blood pressure is normal and she’s planning a home water birth with her team of midwives.

Yay for her, but you know, this just made me feel like such an enormous, colossal failure.  I know that ultimately many things are not in our control, but I also know that I didn’t do all those things.  I didn’t exercise, other than playing with my toddler.  I didn’t eat a lot of protein.  I did try to drink a lot of water, but I feel like I just didn’t try hard enough – especially with the diet aspect of it.  I’ve been crying about this off and on all day, I guess I just had to get it out.

I was going through some old file boxes in preparation for moving and found all the stuff from my master’s thesis which I completed in 2001.  It’s so freaking organized!  Every detail accounted for and in its place.  I compare this to my haphazardness now and I wonder what the hell happened?  When did I lose that focus?  Was it when V. was born?  It actually goes back earlier than that – it goes back to the start of our TTC days.  I feel old, I feel scattered, I feel ineffectual.

I love my children.  I’m having a hard time right now loving myself.

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A Tale of Two Cesareans

July 29, 2010

It’s been 3 weeks now and I haven’t even begun to write about G’s birth.  That’s at the top of my list of things to write about… just the story, and then I think I’ll write more about how I feel now in retrospect about having two cesareans under my belt (so to speak).  I still kind of struggle with how to think about it – the existential side of things – because while I signed the requisite release form I didn’t necessarily feel like I had a choice, and somehow that actually feels better to me than if I felt like I had chosen to give birth that way.  I guess I’m seeking absolution.

Anyway…

One of the biggest differences between the two births was having a point of reference with which to compare this one.  But perhaps I’ll try to hold off on comparisons and just tell the story.

To me the most comical element of the whole event was that T. decided he wanted it to be a Family event.  Not just our unit of 3-becoming-4, but the whole fam damily – grandparents and all.  So at just past 8 a.m. on July 7, we convoyed in three vehicles to the brand-spanking-new hospital across town.  Even our faithful babysitter/nanny came along.  They all accompanied me to the emergency room where I registered, and then we all took the elevators together up to the third floor “Family Birthplace.”  We took last-minute belly shots in the waiting area and said a prayer together before T. and I went in.

We had lingered so long in the waiting area that the nurse was wondering where we were.  She had a British accent.  She ushered us into a small room, I think the same room where I had had an NST just two days before, and had me change into the hospital gown and lie on the bed.  Then she went through my medical history, inserted the IV (it took 3 tries, and I had a nasty bruise on my left arm for two weeks afterward), and shaved my lady bits.  She asked if I wanted her to put the catheter in too, but I said I’d wait until after I got the anesthetic.

The anesthesiologist came in with a male nurse to introduce themselves, and they chatted with me for a bit.  They gave T. a set of scrubs (he looked extremely attractive in them!) and then wheeled me down the hall to the OR.

At that point T. had to wait outside in the hallway; apparently he spent the time pacing and texting, and it was a much longer wait than anticipated.  Inside the OR, I had time to look around and chat with the male nurse while we waited for something or other that the anesthesiologist needed, which wasn’t in the cupboard.  The nurse asked me about myself and what I do, and when I said I’m working towards a PhD in Anthropology, he started talking about evolution and God and natural selection and pressed me about what I think, which topic was waaaaay down on my list of things I felt like talking about at that precise moment.  I know he was just trying to distract me and make conversation but I found it quite annoying, really.  He redeemed himself, however, when the meds and everything arrived and it was time for the spinal.  I shudder just remembering it – absolutely hate that part of the process.  I asked the nurse if I could hold his hand and he said yes, so I had a hand to squeeze since T. was still out in the hall.

Then they laid me down, put up the blue curtain, and continued making small talk while my OB and the rest of the crew got situated.  I was catheterized, and felt it – ugh – but soon enough the numbness took hold and then they let T. come in.

The cesarean seemed to take a long time.  At one point I heard the doctor say “I see a lot of dark hair,” and then they seemed to be having a bit of difficulty getting him out.  The female nurse working opposite the doctor started pushing vigorously against my rib cage – this was extremely uncomfortable, and I stopped chatting with T. while she did – the whole bed (table?) was shaking, the curtain shook, and I learned later that they had used forceps to pull baby G.’s head out – I’d never heard of such a thing, with a cesarean – he had a purple bruise on his ear for 3 or 4 days afterward – and at one point I felt a shot of pain dart from my rib cage to my left shoulder.  (I went to see my chiropractor as soon as possible after the operation.)

Then he was out!  I heard someone say that it took eight minutes from when they first saw his head to when he came out, and that this was not an unusually long time.  The doctor lifted him above the curtain and I saw him for the first time, red and and purple and white from the vernix, wriggling and alive.  I thought to myself, “he looks like a G–, not an O–” (we were STILL debating his name).  They moved him away to clean him off and weigh him, and I heard him crying and crying, a mewling little wail, and unbidden the tears started to streak down my face and into my ears even as a grin spread across my face.

Then they brought him over so I could touch him and look at him, and then off to the nursery to be cleaned up.  And I will say more about that later because in hindsight I would have had them delay that – but done is done.  Anyway, T. went off to supervise (:-)) and I just lay there while they sewed me up.  It seemed to take a long time.  I listened to them chatting about the World Cup and 4th of July celebrations and iPhones until they were done.  Then they moved me onto my hospital bed and wheeled me to our room.  As we went down the hall, I saw my whole family standing by the windows of the nursery watching G. and I waved to them.

The room was nice enough except for the fine view of a brick wall – “they need to paint a mural on that wall,” I said.  T. came in then and we waited together for G.  The family all went home for naps with plans to come back later with V. to meet her brother in person.  We ended up waiting THREE HOURS to see him – that damn bath; he needed warming afterwards – until finally he was placed in my arms, snug and swaddled and sleeping.

He is an utter sweetheart.  He’s a champion nurser with a great latch and strong suck and is putting on weight at a tremendous rate (proof of paternity, my husband says – as if he needed it!).  He’s mellow and adorable with a dimple in his right cheek and an elfin smile.  His hair is the softest down.

My deflated belly is shrinking even as my bosom abounds.  My energy level and ability to do things are increasing, which feels really good, even though sleep is scarce and my toddler’s angst is breaking my heart.  But every few days I’m able to do more and more with her, even though I can’t lift her yet.  My parents have left now after 2 months with us here – I miss them sooooo much – and my husband is working very hard under a deadline, unfortunately.  Our sitter/nanny has been staying with us since my parents left to help with the night-time parenting.  We have just over 2 months to get ready to move to Albania.  My plate, like my heart, is full.

Last minute thoughts about labor and delivery and repeat cesareans

July 7, 2010

So.  The repeat cesarean.

I talked with my sister today, and she asked how I’m feeling about everything and how it’s going down.  Just as background – she’s a die-hard home-birth/attachment parenting/vegetarian/etc. person, and was even planning on an unattended birth with her second child simply because the state she lives in does not license direct-entry midwives.  Luckily she found a midwife in the neighboring state who was willing to make the drive and attend her home water birth.  Anyway.  I mentioned that we’d seen the labor and delivery rooms at the hospital, and that I’d felt kind of sad, realizing that that will never be my lot.  (Yeah, I’m not doing this again, now that it seems clear that I’ll always get PIH.)

She said, “just don’t go tomorrow.”

Sigh.

There’s certainly something about being caught up in the medical system that feels disempowering and alienating, and as a student of social science I have a theoretical framework for understanding exactly how these systems work to produce that effect.  So I do feel a certain amount of ambivalence about it all – but not enough to try to buck the system entirely, because I do also believe in the efficacy of Western medicine for dealing with precisely the kind of medical state I am in.

A few days ago at breakfast my parents were reminiscing about someone my sister and I grew up with, a beautiful girl (I still remember how tiny her hand felt in mine when she was 5 and I was eight) whom we sort of lost touch with, although my parents and her parents stayed close.  Well, she died in childbirth and I never knew exactly how or why.  My sister still can’t bear to talk about it.  Incredibly sad.  The baby boy survived.  As my parents recalled more details of her death, I realized that the cause could only have been an eclamptic seizure, perhaps HELLP-related. That day I had been mulling uneasily over my OB’s casual mention at my most recent check-up that he’d probably administer magnesium sulfate after the birth.  I’ve heard such horror stories about mag that I was wondering whether it was really necessary.  Well, you know, I don’t want to die.  I’ll take the mag if he decides it’s a good idea.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a college roommate who’d been assuming that I’d have an induction, and I explained that labor can’t be induced after a previous cesarean, but I’d come to terms with this being my lot and was ok with it.  “Oh,” she said.  “I never thought about it in those terms – I thought c-section was just another option on the menu.”

“I guess it all depends on how you think about it,” I said.

And this is precisely where my struggle is.  What I said to my old roommate is what my therapist would always tell me  – how you think about it, what you believe about it, will shape how you feel about it.  But I don’t think it’s so easy, so simple, just to change your mind and your perspective on something like this merely by willing it so.

I know, I  know, I overthink things most of the time.  I’m probably overthinking this thing too.  I will talk myself in circles for days if given the opportunity.

So I guess right now I just want to try to describe how I feel about it.

I feel kind of sad.  I feel left out.  I feel locked out.  I feel resigned.  I feel hopeful.  I feel a little bit scared.

Hm.  That was easy.

The thing is… I guess I kind of feel like my circumstances just aren’t favorable for a normal, vaginal birth.  And maybe I’ve been reading too much of the homebirth/”natural” birth literature, but I kind of feel like if I’m going to give birth in a hospital, with an IV line for antibiotics (I tested positive for group-B strep), an internal fetal monitor and all this other medicalized accoutrements, with the doctor calling all the shots, well… what’s the point, really?  I feel like all that “stuff” sets me up for failure anyway.  I’ve probably dichotomized it too much in my mind, but I feel like I may as well just do the c-section because I’d probably end up getting one anyway.

So.  I feel sad that I won’t be able to amaze my husband with my incredible Amazonian goddess strength through natural childbirth, and I’ll always be cast in the role of the “weak” one in our relationship… but maybe that’s a separate issue that wouldn’t have been solved in this way anyway.

Sorry if this is kind of all over the place.  It’s late and I need to go to bed.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Misc

July 6, 2010

I have so many random thoughts coursing through my neural pathways that I don’t know which one to pick.  I’ve written long, lovely posts in my head at 4 a.m. several times this week and still sit and stare at the blank screen with nothing to say.  I’ll try some bullet points here and then maybe segue into something more thoughtful.

  • If I get one more e-mail from my MIL with yet another unsolicited opinion about baby boy names – always followed by the standard “whatever you decide will be great I’m sure” disclaimer which is supposed to neutralize the invasiveness I suppose – I will scream.
  • I am at a loss for how to divvy out child care help over the next few weeks.  My parents are here until the 25th, and then we probably won’t see them again for another 2 years as tickets to Albania are prohibitively expensive for them.  Our sitter keeps offering to stay overnight to help with V but my mom seems to feel a little insulted by the implication that she can’t do the job herself.  My MIL told me she’s already “in grief mode” about us leaving in September and wants to watch V as much as possible.  I hate being the person who has to weigh all these different interests and claims on the children cause dangit, they’re my kids and even though I do NEED the help – I need to spend time with them too.  T and I were talking about it last night and it just stressed me out to no end because I’m the one who has to decide.
  • Yesterday we got a little tour of the Family Birthplace Center at the new hospital where we’ll be delivering tomorrow, and I felt a little sad seeing the L&D rooms – they are HUGE – knowing I won’t ever have the chance to use one of them.  I thought I’d come to terms with the repeat cesarean – but there it is.  More on this later, I’m sure.
  • In a little over 24 hours we’ll meet our boy… I think we have a name but I feel more resigned to it than excited about it.  What bugs me most is that it’s #22 on the social security list for 2009.  Too popular!  At least it’s not trendy (there’s a difference – Daniel, e.g., is popular but not trendy.  Camden, e.g., is trendy but not overly popular).
  • It’s blitzin’ hot today and our small house (just under 1,000 square feet, 1 bathroom) is feeling small with four adults and 1 toddler living here.  I’m still incredibly thankful my mom is here helping me out so much.  I thought a good thank-you gift for her would be a ring or necklace with the grandkids’ birthstones.  I just have to figure out when and how to get one and/or who to delegate to get it for me.
  • Overall I feel much more calm and collected about this upcoming birth, so much less scared and freaked than last time.  Even though so many variables are different – including the glut of grandparents hovering around, and worrying about how V. will deal with the change – I feel much better prepared about what to expect.  That’s kinda nice.

Ok, I guess that’s it for right now.  I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I’m going to try to nap now.  I want to write more about my feelings about L&D/ repeat cesarean too… maybe this afternoon.

Gulp!

June 29, 2010

I am 37 weeks today, with 10 days to go til my scheduled cesarean.  The Braxton-Hicks have been ramping up, but the pelvic exam today showed Tadpole at -2 (he was at 0 station last week) and cervix tightly closed.  I don’t think my cervix knows we have a deadline.  Right now I’m running on the assumption that it’s going to be a repeat section.  But like I said… I’m at peace with that.  I know how to prepare for it, and what to expect afterward.

T is home!!!!  Yay!!!!!  Who knew a king sized bed could feel so small… or the sound of snoring be so beautiful!  🙂  He’s jet-lagged and stressed out about report deadlines and the impending birth, but still manages to make me laugh like nobody else in the world does. After my NST this morning he took me to B&N for a relaxing magazine indulgence so I could enjoy my “parole” a little longer.

Ten more days… I can hardly wrap my mind around that!

Countdown…

June 17, 2010

Today it struck me that our baby will be here in just over three weeks…

THREE WEEKS.

Wow.

It feels like there’s a lot to do before then…  Just as I’m starting to feel that I’ve settled into a comfortable routine here with my parents, it’s time to prepare for more change.  T. will be back a week from tomorrow and that will shift things again, of course – hopefully we won’t feel too crowded with four adults and a toddler in a 900-square-foot house (1 bathroom!).  My mom’s been helping me sort through clothes and things – she has scoured the basement, cleaned and repaired a number of random household objects, and has become a favored playmate of V’s (although I still have my regular sitter watching her during the day).  Mom’s been doing all the laundry and cooking and dusting too.  She’s amazing.

Today I dropped off another 24-hour urine, last time in the “old” hospital.  They’ve built a new one that opens next Tuesday, which is where the Tadpole will be born, one way or another.  I have a c-section “tentatively” (my OB’s word) scheduled for July 7, but he’s willing to see how things progress towards a potential trial of labor.  I so appreciate his openness and flexibility – even if I do end up with another cesarean, it helps me feel more at peace about it knowing I’m not locked into it incontrovertibly.   Last week my parents did a little volunteer work at the new hospital and got a tour of the maternity wing – which I haven’t even seen yet!

I have been very, very thankful that V. is sleeping much better ever since I decided to try letting her sleep by herself (we were still co-sleeping up until the end of May).  It’s working, for the most part.  This morning she woke up at 5 (after falling asleep at 9:30 last night), but fell asleep again at around 6 for another 2 hours and woke up in a really good mood.  So it was ok.

Three weeks.  I can’t believe it.

Medical update

June 4, 2010

The good news is my proteinuria is down again – 240!  I feel validated that I’m taking good care of myself – and being cared for by a loving “village” as well.

Even so, my doc wants me to go back to the specialist at the fancy hospital an hour away next week, for another high-level u/s and second opinion again.  So my calendar is filling up with medical appointments:  Monday NST, Tuesday 24-hour urine, Wednesday NST, Thursday u/s.  It is starting to feel like a job.

They also went ahead and scheduled me for a cesarean at 38 weeks (+ 2 days) – July 7 at 10:00 a.m.  So he’s assuming I’m going to make it til then.  What I recall my doctors saying when V. was born is that past 37 weeks they don’t really see much point in letting the baby bake any longer, since by that point they generally do just fine outside the womb, and it just prolongs the period of high risk to the mother.  If I were to go into labor on my own naturally before then, the doc would just want to see how things progress but be prepared to go to cesarean if things stall out along the way.  Because of my previous c-section induction isn’t an option.

For the most part, I feel like I’ve made my peace with the idea of having another c-section.  In comparing notes with friends who’ve had emergency cesareans after long labor, it seems like having had the time to prepare mentally and emotionally before hand made a big difference for my peace of mind and ability to be emotionally and mentally present at the birth and to make sure that I had a say in some aspects of the process that were important to me – like ensuring that T. would be with the baby the whole time while I was in recovery, and that I’d spend as much time with her as possible as soon as possible.  I also think that the scare we had 2 weeks ago with the prospect of immediate delivery and a NICU stay put things in another perspective for me.  The fact that I’m experiencing pre-eclampsia for the second time makes me think that (at this advanced age anyway) – this is just the way my body handles pregnancy.  Perhaps I could have avoided it through better diet and exercise in the first and second trimesters… perhaps not.  I’ll never know.  There is no part of me (right now at least) that wants to do this again.

At the same time, when the nurse called me this afternoon to confirm the scheduled cesarean, a little part of me felt suddenly deflated and sad.  One of the ironies in the situation is that he has been consistently head-down since forever ago… if only V. had been head-down, I might have had a chance at an induced vaginal birth with her, and would have had the option for induction with this one too.  But that was something completely out of my control.

It is what it is.

So the cesarean is now scheduled for 2 weeks from when T. gets back from Albania, and 3 weeks before my parents leave, which is pretty much the best possible timing I could ask for.

PIH

May 11, 2010

PIH = pregnancy-induced hypertension, the condition that led to V’s birth by scheduled cesarean at 37 weeks gestation.

Well, it’s back.

The last two weeks of monitoring showed consistent readings right around (though usually just under) the 140/90 line, and my reading on Monday was 130/100.  Actually, the first reading was 140/116 which kind of scared the nurse.  That was still lower than the reading I got on my little battery-operated monitor which was 160/116.

The GOOD news is that I have NONE of the other symptoms of pre-eclampsia, not really even any edema (swelling).  But I’m doing a 24-hour urine catch anyway – FUN TIMES.  At least I can do it at home this time and not in the hospital like I did last pregnancy.

I am so very glad that my mom is coming to stay with me in 2 weeks, when T. leaves on his next trip (he’ll be gone a whole month this time).  My parents will be here for 2 full months until after the baby comes.  In a weird way I’m thinking it would be nice if the baby came early again this time, even if by cesarean, because then I’d have my mom’s help for longer after the birth.

On the other hand, I’m super-bummed that I went through the trouble to transfer my care to a doctor who does VBACs, when I may not have that opportunity after all if my BP continues to climb or  if I develop other symptoms of pre-eclampsia.

On the other other hand, I think that in general this doctor is less alarmist than the practice I was at before, which I appreciate.  He’s not putting me under any restrictions – just ordered another ultrasound for next week in addition to the urine test.  Said to drink lots of fluids and rest as much as possible.

Thanks to Anona-mom for the suggestions on ways to reduce blood pressure during pregnancy – any other ideas welcome!!!

14w1d

January 20, 2010

So here I am, squarely in the second trimester. I looked up when I first felt movement with V., and it was at 14w2d. However, we saw on the last ultrasound that the placenta is in the front this time, so I wonder if that means I won’t feel movement as much?

I’m still wrapping my mind around the idea of a little BOY… looking at some of V’s very pink baby things and feeling a sweet sadness at the thought of putting or giving them away for good.

Digging out some of my old maternity pants. Unfortunately I loaned away all my sweaters, favorite pants, and all the tops I had but one (a heather gray T-shirt – can you say frumpy???). I’m not even sure where the tops ended up, because I think after I loaned them to my sister she passed them on to someone else. I think the reason there are so few maternity clothes in thrift stores is that women tend to circulate them around their friends. I may have to bite the bullet and spring for some new stuff. But not for another couple months, I think.

I’m also going around and around in my mind about the VBAC thing. My therapist is of the very medical and safety school of thought that would never even have second thoughts about scheduling the c-section. She also thinks LLL is a “cult” (she apparently had a very bad experience trying to BF). On the other hand, my sister, as I’ve mentioned before, is a homebirth enthusiast and profoundly mistrusts the medical profession. I feel like the cartoon character with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, except that in this case I can’t tell which is which, and frankly, I don’t think either one is either. I guess I just want to talk to someone with more expertise than I have who isn’t totally biased one way or the other, who will actually listen to me, not judge me, and help me figure out what’s best for US.

In some ways I feel like with a repeat c-section, I know what to expect and I know how to prepare for it. A VBAC opens up the door to all kinds of unknowns. It offers the opportunity to “prove” something to myself and to T., but also the risk of failure and of serious injury. (Although my sister would argue that major surgery would entail both of those as well.) I know T. is in support of the repeat c-section, but I’m toying with the idea of looking into the homebirth option; apparently some people around here do go that route although I’m fuzzy on the details (e.g. if they have an MD backup or not). So far I’ve been leery of hooking into the local “alternative” birthing network just because I don’t want to be judged by closed-minded people. Ironically.
The doctor I talked with at the OB/GYN I’m going to now was very sweet and kind and basically assured me that if I could guarantee she’d be the one to deliver my baby if we go the scheduled route. Which in a normal labor and delivery scenario isn’t the case, you get whoever’s on call. So round and round I go in my mind. I suppose I’ll get there eventually.

Therapy

January 6, 2010

Thanks for all the comments ladies!  I’m blushing!

So I went to see my therapist this afternoon, an appointment I made in early December when I got tired of waking up every morning hating life.  I’m not feeling that way right now, but it still felt worthwhile to go see her since my head is swimming in the face of some of the decisions we have to make, some of them really soon.

1) Do we go ahead with our plans to go to Albania (or Colombia) next fall, or postpone for a year?

2) Should I try for a VBAC?

The first question is largely an intellectual one, to my mind, but we are dealing with so many unknowns that it’s hard to deal with solely on the basis of logic, even though that’s how I make most of my decisions.  Also, there is a strong affective factor in that T’s feelings about his current job are a huge motivation for us to leave sooner rather than later.  So it’s complicated.

The second question evokes a lot of emotion for me.  I’m still grieving the loss of the opportunity to have a “normal” birth experience the first time, and trying to process what it means for my sense of identity and self as a woman.  The facts are that the only OB group in town here who’ll do VBACs is the one with the midwives, and I had a pretty negative experience with them back when we were doing the initial IF testing etc.  I really don’t feel confident in their ability to provide me with competent care.  I do know a number of women who LOVE them and have had only positive experiences there, but I also have two good friends who were just as if not more so traumatized by the lack of, shall I say, professionalism there.  So I’m not going back.  My other option might be to go back to NY to the OB who delivered V., although that wouldn’t guarantee me a VBAC, just the opportunity to try.Which doesn’t seem worth it to me.

Having another scheduled caesarean at least gives me the illusion of control, in a way.  But I still cry when I think about being excluded from the tribe of women who all know what it is to be in labor, to time contractions, to have their husbands be in awe of their strength and fortitude.  I think it’s the last bit that is especially hard for me to let go of.  I wanted to impress T.  Oh well.

After the session this afternoon T. and I went to a coffeeshop to talk through everything together, and while I felt like we were largely just repeating the same conversation we’ve had over and over for the past few months, and are no closer to making any decisions, it did help me gain a little more clarity on what exactly is at stake for us, especially with decision #1.

Ok, I’ve rambled long enough and I think T. wants the laptop back.

Thanks for listening.  Y’all rock.