BFN, courtesy of dr.’s office. Picked up Clmid prescription on the way home. Oddly, I felt relieved. Yet it also feels like I’m taking a big step forward.
Sometimes I wonder what it is I really want? To want, to hope, to desire all require an imagined state of being, an ability to envision a reality other than my current actual lived experience, and to see that reality as preferable. I love my life, I love my husband; but at the same time, I guess there is some measure in which both life and relationship with husband feel incomplete, unfinished. I think when my niece was born (my sister stayed with us for over a month after her husband died; my niece was 6 months old and took her first steps in my living room), it helped us both see and imagine what our life together would be like plus-one, and it looked tremendously appealing and fun. Does that mean that our life without that child is empty and meaningless? No, not really. Just different. Maybe we’re just bored with being just us. Maybe it really is all just biological urges.
I think the bit of relief I felt at the bfn had to do with feeling rushed, not feeling ready, not wanting my life to change just yet. And yet here I am, ttc for 27 months, in anguish just a week ago over time slipping away, over failure after failure. Why do I feel ok with it now? Shouldn’t I be wailing and gnashing my teeth?
But I’m not, at least not right now.
Movable Type 