A Sorta Fairytale

(apologies to Tori)

My therapist says I’m carrying a heavy emotional load, bottling things up. This is such an old, old story. When I crack open the bottlecap what wells up is just this tremendous sadness. She gave me some exercises to do, to start letting it out little by little. I need to find/make the time to do that. The next 2 weeks are pretty packed. But it’s so much closer to the surface these days.

I had a delayed reaction this morning to our weekend drama – I cut Illyria’s hair on Sunday, at her request, but I cut it too short and she was upset. This morning she went to school in tears, afraid of what the other kids might say. Haven’t we all had this experience? I know it’s a rite of passage but I feel consumed by guilt. If I could give her my own hair I would. So this morning we did yoga together, and I was cheerful and supportive and encouraging, but after I dropped her off at school I kind of fell apart a little bit – I felt her butterflies in my stomach, I felt her fear and embarrassment. I know this over-identification is not good for me or for her.

I feel dull and deadened inside. I have so little motivation or energy for work, for anything. This feels like the leading edge of a bit of depression maybe.

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One Response to “A Sorta Fairytale”

  1. Rachel Says:

    Oh I’m sorry. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Depression sucks! I’ve been in the midst of it and not realized how bad it was until I worked my way out. I wish I could help. (PS, I’m reading all these in real time and am realizing as I’m commenting that some of these posts are quite old and the feelings may not be there anymore).

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