Better late than never?

Saturday night, my period was, by my calculations, four days late. I kept checking… waiting… I have said many times and vehemently that I do not want another child, but when for a moment I thought I might be pregnant… I felt really happy. And then, when the blood started to come, relieved. I think our family of four is perfect as it is. But it’s nice to know that if an accident were to happen (the birth control method we are using is notoriously unreliable)… it would still be a blessing. Terrifying, but a blessing. 

Now that I’ve turned 40, I find myself buying ridiculous amounts of cosmetics. Painting my nails. Wearing lipstick and eyeliner every day, sometimes even mascara (I haven’t work this much makeup in 20 years). I bought some pricey exfoliants and creams for my elbows and knees. There’s a moment in Tangled (my daughter recently passed through an obsession with that movie) when the youth-obsessed witch, regarding herself casually in the mirror, turns her head this way and that, smoothing her hair, pulling at the skin around her eyes, bending her hand back at the wrist to check out the wrinkles in the skin on the back of her hands. When I saw this scene, I had a moment of total shocked recognition. I’m putting on sunscreen every day too, now. I know it’s too little too late… Gimli complains that I’m turning into a painted Jezebel…

Today is a dissertation day. Can you tell?


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