Release

Day 5 of solo parenting, and of steering this ship solo at work too – Gimli and I are sharing directorship of this branch of the  church-based social service agency we work for and it’s definitely daunting to be at the helm without him.

In terms of the parenting part of it, the day-to-day has been fine but the nights are long and fractured and I’m feeling it.

A few weeks ago I was at a meeting, a circle of pastors holding one another up to the light, and in an opportunity for sharing about surrender and promises in our lives I was hit with a flood of emotion as I realized my need in the moment to release my children into that light. I confess that I cried, then and there, but that since that moment it’s been easier to let them go each morning, and I think they feel that too – somehow they have found their way to go with greater freedom and ease.

This morning the kids went to school in bright blue sweatsuits trimmed in yellow, the school logo embroidered on the front and their names embroidered on the inside of each pocket. They wore brand new rain boots – hers were ladybugs, his were Spiderman – and in their little backpacks were rain ponchos (Cars and Winnie the Pooh), change of clothes, crocs. In her pocket was a rubber ant she chose as her security object for their farm field trip today. I almost died from the cuteness.

Last night Oz sang to me in Spanish, to my thorough delight, a song about a green horse that rides a bike and wears glasses. Then he told me what it means in English. The two of them were playing ‘school,’ rolling playdough snakes and pretending to play miniature guitars.

I fall asleep sandwiched between them, waking every 2-3 hours when Oz talks through a dream or kicks me or asks to nurse. Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep again, my brain squirreling through thought-nuts, burying and un-burying them to try to hide them somewhere else. Personnel issues. Budgets. A thousand little problems.

Right now I’m going to see if I can squeeze in a nap between meetings.

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4 Responses to “Release”

  1. tara Says:

    Sounds like you have hit a stride with school which has to be a relief. Hope you get some rest!

  2. Esperanza Says:

    It’s hard to let them go. That is what motherhood is all about, figuring out how to be their everything while also letting them be their own everything some day. It’s a hard transition, which is why it takes half a lifetime.

    I hope the rest of solo parenting goes by quickly. I’ve been taking care of a sick partner and doing everything else myself for 8 days now and I’m about to lose my shit. So I kind of know what you’re going through. 😦

  3. Mud Hut Mama Says:

    I haven’t had to let mine go yet but I can imagine how difficult that must be. I love that Oz is singing to you in Spanish and it sounds like your kids are thriving in school. I hope you start getting more sleep – so important yet so difficult when you are going solo.

  4. Rachel Says:

    Hang in there! I’m so glad you were able to get some peace about school.

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