I’m having a moment. It will pass. So I’m just coming into this space to metaphorically run around like a chicken with my head cut off (have you ever actually seen one? I have… very weird sight…) because it’s just been decided that Gimli will be going to Afghanistan for 2 weeks, leaving next Tuesday night.

He’s squeezing the trip in between two short, in-country trips that I have scheduled. So we’re going to be ships passing in the night from February 18 until March 12 (my birthday… #40…. I’ve been nurturing all these dreams about how to spend my 40th birthday, and it turns out I’m going to spend it traveling with a group of Mennonite pastors – but that’s another story).

I’m having a freak-out moment right this minute. I don’t want him to go. And yet I told him he can. I’m letting him go. And yes, he did ask for my permission…

I know how much this means to him. I know that he needs these periodic trips in order to feel alive. I know how close to the core of his self-identity and feeling of place in this world these things are. I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

We’re used to him being gone… we’re used to his traveling… but I don’t want him to leave. I’m not totally sure why it feels different this time – perhaps the new context, new responsibilities on my plate, the kids being in school and how tender that process has been for me and for them…

I think I need to create a plan for myself, for my own self-care, for a safety net, support network. One of the things I’ve really enjoyed here has been working within a close-knit, caring team – a lot of what I do is look after their needs; now it’s time to go to them with mine.


5 Responses to “Panic”

  1. Mel Says:

    I can’t do a lot from all the way up here, but I wanted you to know as you panic that there are those of us out here virtually holding you too.

  2. jjiraffe Says:

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! I certainly understand: I’d be in a panic as well! (((hugs)))

  3. Mud Hut Mama Says:

    Yes that does sound panic worthy – I’m sorry and I hope you do find the support you need in your team.

  4. Esperanza Says:

    Ugh. That is a LONG time to be parenting solo. I hate being in that position, when you know you NEED to give your partner something but you’re not sure you CAN. That is a shitty place to be.

    Abiding with you.

  5. Rachel Says:

    I’ve taken a week long break from online and was excited to see a post from you, until I read it. I’d be nervous too. My husband’s company was consulting in Afghanistan when I was expecting T. I rarely tell him “no” but I told him he couldn’t go there. Kudos to you for being more brave than me.

    I hope the next month goes quickly with safe travels for all of you. I hope you have a very, very happy 40th!

    Some day I would love to learn more about the Mennonites from you.

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