The Missing Piece

The other day I walked home from work with an almost buoyant feeling, somehow feeling both uplifted and grounded at the same time. Something has fallen into place in the last month. I no longer stand in front of the stove staring stupidly at the burners, trying to remember what I need to do next in order to make dinner. Instead I move smoothly through the motions, knowing in my limbs where everything is, reaching and turning, chopping and stirring, without having to stop and think (too much). I feel calm and collected enough to feel like weekends are actually relaxing, and I have spare mental RAM for thinking about some home-improvement projects that just a month ago felt beyond my reach, overwhelming.

And I am loving my job. Gimli is too – for years we’ve wanted to work together, and now we are sharing a leadership position and finding our way into it in a way that feels energizing and fun. I love walking to and from work with him, talking about our team and projects and partner organizations, constructing our shared vision for how we want to move the program forward in the next five years. It’s been profoundly satisfying to meet some personnel challenges head-on and to feel like I did a really good job with it. It’s been richly rewarding to be able to fall fluidly into Spanish again, to be able to perform the more ceremonial aspects of the position with ease. And I haven’t seen him this happy with work for ages.

And I really like our team. It’s an intercultural group, 25 people from 6 different countries, with all the richness and challenges that brings. In early November we had a team retreat outside the capital and I found myself near tears a few times, feeling like I’ve finally found it – I’ve found my tribe again. There’s a shared ethos that combines spirituality with commitment to social justice work that just nails it for me – hits a sweet spot where my heart of hearts just feels a deep sense of rightness, of this is where I want to be, this is where I belong.

I have yet to find a good, consistent time and place for personal writing (you may have noticed) or dissertation work. I have a plan, though, for when the kids start pre-school in a few weeks. (Eek!) In the meantime, I’ve committed to spending 15-20 minutes after the kids go to bed listening to music and writing. This – writing time – is my missing piece right now, and I realized that the desire to create something archive-worthy was holding me back from actually doing it. So I’ve refocused my intention with regards to writing, to treat it as a way of giving myself a warm, calming hug at the end of the day.

The one thing that makes this possible is that Gimli has taken on nigh-parenting duties and as a result we are all sleeping much better. It’s been a tremendous gift.

So that’s where I am right now. Glad and thankful.

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6 Responses to “The Missing Piece”

  1. Esperanza Says:

    Yay, I’m so glad you are hitting your stride. I can tell from this post how happy you are. I makes me happy.

    And I’ve meant to say for ages now that I LOVED your This Is Where We Are post. I was having such a hard time relating to your posts about Bogota because I just couldn’t fathom what it was like but after the post I have such a good idea. Thank you for sharing that.

  2. Mud Hut Mama Says:

    I have been waiting and hoping for this post. You have sounded so tired when you have found the time to post and (with us thinking about a move this year) it has been a reality check in just how exhausting moving with little ones can be. I’m so glad you are feeling at home where you are. While I’m not working at the moment I can relate – my husband and I used to work together and it can be exhilerating to be working towards the same goal in a job you really believe in. Long may it last!

  3. jjiraffe Says:

    Hooray!! This post makes me so happy for you! This sounds like an excellent work situation, and there’s nothing like being around lie-minded people to make us feel more at home.

  4. Mel Says:

    It sounds like you’re in a very very good place. The peace seeps out of the words.

  5. Rachel Says:

    You sound so happy! I’m glad you are finally getting some sleep, it is much deserved.

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