Holy cow. Ok. Wow. So instead of deleting this blog (which was really just my tiredness talking, I won’t actually that) I went back and started reviewing my archives, copy and pasting each entry into a word document. I’m doing it one post at a time (and I now have over 520 posts) so I can preserve the comments, and also so I can edit a little bit. I’ve deleted a small handful of posts, the ones that went into too much detail about other people, and edited a couple slightly for identifying details.
But it has been so. much. fun. to do this. It’s all I want to do right now. It’s fascinating to see my life through the eyes of my 34-year-old self, six years ago – how different my life is now, how different I am. I feel like a different person. But I struggle with so many of the same things – insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt. Actually those things have been magnified incredibly by motherhood.
I’m about 6-7 months into the archives (I’m working from oldest to newest), and a few months ahead of the conception of our daughter. It’s kind of amazing to read back, knowing what I know now, about how the journey has gone since then.
It’s also amazing to see comments from people I haven’t thought about in YEARS – the women who just stopped blogging one day and never came back. And also amazing to see comments from people (Tara, Mel, Rachel, Sarah S-P) who are still part of my life today.
I found this fun iPod shuffle game we did a long time ago, where you do a random shuffle and then use the songs that come up, in the order they appear, to answer a list of 10 questions. I thought it would be fun to revisit it and see how it came out, and here is my list for today:
1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
“Anxiety” – Black Eyed Peas. OMG – the exact same song came out on top both times!!! Hit refresh. Try again.
“Down to the River to Pray” – from O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack.
My “issues” with conservative/evangelical Christianity, the tradition I was raised in, were certainly in full force before infertility (or sub-fertility, if you will). But struggling to conceive certainly didn’t help resolve my issues. Having kids didn’t really, either. Well, maybe a little.
2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
“Shiny, Happy People” – REM
Not sure that that means… but I also don’t really know how to answer that question. I was so, so sad back then. But I was nowhere near so tired, so stressed, so anxious about everything. At the same time, there is no way I would want to lose this gift of motherhood. I’d like to regain the ability to focus I had back then, some of the balance I had, the intimacy with my husband, the fun I had doing things like play Scrabble and go out in the evenings. I know this will come again someday but right now it’s mostly really hard. Wonderful, but hard.
3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” – U2
Um, no further comment…
But so thankful that we eventually found them, or they found us – our babies.
4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
“Where Is The Love?” – Blackeyed Peas
Ok, who shuffled this now? Are they reading my mind???
5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
“Etcetera, Whatever” – Over The Rhine
“We don’t need a lot of money, we’ll be sleeping on the beach, keeping oceans within reach and I guess all I really mean is we’re gonna be all right. We’re gonna be all right.” (This one didn’t really fit the question. Which, phew, it was getting creepy!)
I did some rituals – I would pray for fellow stirrup queens when I couldn’t sleep at night, using the Hail Mary as a basis for rhythm and structure. And I would meditate after yoga using a heart-shaped candle. I don’t know whether or not I believed in either of these as effective beyond calming my mind.
6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to acupuncture and ‘body workers’? “
“Ribbons Undone” – Tori Amos
“She’s a girl / Rising from a shell / Running to spring / It is her time it is her time / Watch her run with ribbons undone”
This song makes me think of my daughter, although it has nothing to do with the question.
I didn’t do any “alternative” treatments.
7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
“Calling the Moon” – Dar Williams
“Oh, make sense of me, night / I can see so much from this cold height / The moon said, “Oh darkness, my work is done / I’ve poured this bottle of light from the sun / But their anger keeps on rising / And they don’t understand / I’ve shown them all that I can / That the world is at hand”
8. Your song for other people’s baby showers:
“Give Me Novocaine” – Green Day
Okay, getting creepily apropos again!
9. What about our scary friend hope?
“This Will Be Our Year” – Ok Go
“This will be our year, took a long time to come” I held on to this song for a long time. Held on to it hard.
10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
“By Way of Sorrow” – Cry Cry Cry
Ok. So. TAG – you’re it!!!