Blessed (children mentioned a lot)

I’ve been weepy and hormonal all week – more so than usual. Two or three days ago I was nursing Oz, looking at his little round cheeks, stroking his soft hair, and I started to cry as I thought about how shattered I would be if anything happened, if I should lose him. He is such a gift. I’m still stunned to know that he is my son, that I am his mother. At times it hardly seems believable. Mine? Really? This isn’t some incredibly solid and persistent dream?

Illyria feels so much more like a part of me, an extension of me. Oh believe me, I know she is her own person – the shape of her nose is all hers, the stubborn will, the little wheels turning in her mind – but the connection I feel to her is qualitatively different for some reason. I can’t explain it, really. She is no less a gift than Oz is. He is no less a part of me than she is. But it’s almost like I feel as though she and I are made of the same stuff, the same color play-dough, and he is made of something else entirely instead – the softest velvet cloth, perhaps.

I still can hardly believe they are mine. And I am so deeply, deeply thankful that they are.


Our life plan decision conversations continue. And it feels like an embarrassment of riches – we have the education and experience and social capital to create multiple potential life paths… I was at an internet cafe the other day and the guy at the desk asked me where I’m from. He said he longs to go to the US and couldn’t believe that I like it here. People are dying – literally – to live and work in a place where I own a house, where I claim citizenship. I start to think about these things too much, and I go a little crazy. I have so much more to say about this… the thing I wanted to notice is that instead of getting bogged down and angsty about making the “correct” choice (because I don’t think there is one), to be grateful that we HAVE a choice. We HAVE options. GOOD options. To be thankful.


4 Responses to “Blessed (children mentioned a lot)”

  1. Mel Says:

    I feel the exact same way about the twins as you do about Oz. I look at them sometimes and feel so overwhelmed that I can barely think about the enormity of that love.

    I think one of those guilt things with the US is that we have made it so hard for people to move here, to even visit sometimes, that it almost feels like inadvertently belonging to a country club that you didn’t choose to join. You’re not unhappy that you have membership, but it’s strange to think about the people who do want in and can’t get it.

  2. Becky Says:

    I feel that way, too, about baby E. I love the kid no less, it’s just that it’s different somehow. With baby E, I think, it’s because there was such a horrible chance that we might lose him (that his birthmom might change her mind). I feel overwhelming blessed by both of them. I totally get feeling weepy about it. It seems to hit me most often when I’m nursing E.

  3. St. Elsewhere Says:

    Was so sucked up with your words. I loved your phrasing when you described your connection to your children – how it was equally special and yet so different.

    That fuzzy sense of love at knowing that this child is yours – yes, I know it.

    I can’t comment much on the latter half of the post, except that some people who spew rants against the US, would secretly love to be in America themselves. There is this whole perception of freedom, and transparency, and social security that much of the world lacks.

    A cousin who went to the US, and from what I know, planned to be back here, recently became an American Citizen. His son was born in the US, and the wife is already in-process.

  4. Rachel Says:

    I love the way you described your love for your kids. It is so sweet.

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