Sleep, oh sleep. Sleep is my Waterloo. Sleep is my Armageddon, my dungeon master.

Oz has discovered his ability to keep himself up at bedtime and what used to take 10 minutes is now taking 2 hours. It’s got me in a low, low place. I don’t know why I judge myself so harshly in this one dimension but I’ve observed this in myself recently – that how I feel about myself as a parent hinges greatly on the kids’ sleep patterns. I feel like if they’re taking good naps and going down easily, then it’s because I’ve judged their need and the best timing for sleep correctly, and created the right structures for them to have healthy sleep patterns. When they won’t go down… I’m the worst mom in the world. Last night at 11, after yelling at Illyria to just go to sleep already, and then she cried herself to sleep clutching her bedtime book, I was too angry to go to sleep myself. It’s just not worth it, I kept thinking. I should tell everyone considering TTC don’t do it! It’s just not worth it. I felt differently this morning… mostly… I’m still exhausted and feeling like a shit mom though. Gimli said ok, we need to get you some sleep. We’re going to try putting both kids in one bedroom, and Gimli will stay with them as long as needed while I sleep alone in the master bedroom (my mom is in the other kid’s bedroom – Illyria has been sleeping with us – well me, really – while Oz sleeps half the night in his crib and half the night with Gimli in the twin bed in that room). But it feels like circular reasoning to me. I’m not able to parent well right now because I’m so tired and sleep-deprived, but the REASON I’m tired and sleep-deprived is because I’m a crap mom who has ruined her kids’ sleep cycles through ineffective parenting. So what’s the point? It’s never going to get any better. I thought it was but it’s not.

I’m blogging from inside an irrational hole right now, and part of me knows this, but most of me just wants to give up and sell them to the gypsies.


6 Responses to “Sleep”

  1. sharah Says:

    Listen to Gimli and get some uninterrupted sleep! Seriously, I found that the irrational anger was directly proportional to my sleep levels. Get yourself to a better place and then you can evaluate whether there’s somethng you can do to make it easier for them. And scary as the thought is, there might not be anything that you can do. Mini is in one of those periods right now, and NOTHING helps. He cries evry night for 20-30 minutes because he thnks we’re doing something fun without him, and there’s nothing but time that will change that.

  2. Rachel Says:

    I’m so sorry. Go check into a hotel if you have to and get caught up on sleep. I am always better when I’m rested. And I agree with Sharah, there may not be anything you can do.

    Your kids may not require as much sleep as others. Maybe you need to completely shake up your routine. Are you wanting them to go to bed so you can get “me” time or so they get sleep? If it’s just the me time you are after send them to their rooms to play for an hour or so and then tuck them in. That’s what I did when LG gave up his nap time, and once I accepted that he wasn’t going to go to sleep (it took weeks for me to come to this), my frustration went away.

    Are you and Gimli good sleepers? Do you suffer from insomnia or just flat don’t sleep enough (outside of your role as parents)? If so, it could just be that your kids have inherited that from you. It has no reflection on how good you are as a mother. Your kids sleep habits have no reflection on your mothering abilities.

    Do they have sleeping pills for kids? Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about that so you can get a good week of rest. I’m only sort of kidding.

  3. tara Says:

    o i could just say ditto to this post. sorry things aren’t going well & i hope you can get some rest with this new arrangement. i feel like i “broke” z since he used to sleep so well.

  4. slowmamma Says:

    I’m with those who say: first thing, get some sleep yourself! Whatever you have to do – do it. Then, when you have returned to being a more rational human, you can approach the very complex problem of why your kids are not sleeping.

    I hope you can get some rest soon!!!!!

  5. Jamie Says:

    Don’t apologize – sleep deprivation does that to you. It will surround you with irrational.

    I’ve had a lot of the same feelings before. And I feel so guilty that I can’t enjoy our time together because all I can think about is, “Dear Lord, please let him sleep tonight.”

    Even if it doesn’t make sense, do whatever you have to to get a night of uninterrupted sleep by yourself. Get some ear plugs or ambient noise or anything so you don’t hear what’s going on outside your bedroom. You will be a whole new person when you wake up the next day.

  6. Decemberbaby Says:

    Have you ever heard my lullaby? (sung to the tune of Brahms lullaby)

    Go to sleep, go to sleep
    So I won’t have to sell you
    To the gypsies, or the church
    Sleep so Mommy can sleep too!

    Of course, I’m told that Craigslist is much easier than finding interested Gypsies these days.

    I hope you get to sleep soon!

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