I think I might be wound up a little tight.  Gimli gets back tomorrow after 2 weeks away and it’s like that last lap around the track, you just want to slow down and coast to the end.  At least I do.  I woke up this morning feeling like I’ve done nothing but care for my children round the clock for as long as I can remember.

But I do remember, I remember those days of freedom, of long uninterrupted hours to read, work, sleep, talk with my husband.  And before I sound like an ungrateful bitch, I also remember the unrelenting sorrow of longing for a child, the ache of empty arms.

I’m just so tired.

I lost my cool with Illyria this morning, she came to me asking “Mama get the other animal – can’t reach,” but she couldn’t tell me what animal or where, and I finally yelled at her “HOW CAN I HELP YOU IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT?”  I sent myself into time out and banged my head against the door in frustration so hard I saw a white flash.  She was trying, I know, she was trying to tell me.  I guess she has forgotten where she left the animal or it’s one that she can’t say the name of.  (It’s just that she has so many – animal puzzle sets, beanie babies, a Noah’s Ark – she carries them from room to room in her little fist and forgets where she’s put them down.)

Because of rain and potential political unrest, Illyria hasn’t left the apartment since Tuesday.  I’ve been out briefly for groceries while our babysitter’s been here but the kids have been inside for 4 days now.  We have a playdate later this morning THANK GOD.

Sometimes I am so jealous of friends without kids who can sleep in on Saturday, eat a leisurely breakfast while they read the news, and then say to each other “what shall we do today?” without having to factor in nap schedules and early bedtimes.

I know, I know – last night she kissed the back of my head – and this morning Oscar fell asleep warm and soft in my arms while nursing – and they are so precious to me.  I will look back someday and miss these times.  But I also reserve the right to feel and own how worn out I am right now.


5 Responses to “Worn”

  1. Claire Says:

    I was having similar fantasies about the old life this morning and feeling very cross with myself for doing it! I get it – and it must be especially hard with two, with the man gone and feeling like you’re under house arrest. ( hugs)

  2. tara Says:

    glad that you’ll have some more help at home shortly- it’s difficult to be always on when you’d like some “me” time – regardless of how cute the kids are & how much you want them around. hugs!

  3. Rachel Says:

    There are days I feel the same way. Yes the kids are so cute and loveable at times, but they are a challenge at other times. I hope your house arrest ends quickly.

  4. Mrs. Spit Says:

    It’s funny how we always want what’s on the other side. It must be part of the human condition. I am truly sorry that it’s so hard right now. Hoping and praying that things get easier, and soon!

  5. AnxiousMummy Says:

    I totally get this, even with only one child. She does the same thing with the asking for something but can’t tell me exactly what it is. I am pretty good at ‘reading between the lines’ but even so, when they’re cooped up it is so difficult! Back in December-early Jan we had 6 straight weeks of rain and it was *hard*.
    E, I also want to say thankyou so much for your comment! It really meant the world to me and I agree with what you said. I will continue processing and seeing how I feel.
    Take care 🙂

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