I think I might be wound up a little tight. Gimli gets back tomorrow after 2 weeks away and it’s like that last lap around the track, you just want to slow down and coast to the end. At least I do. I woke up this morning feeling like I’ve done nothing but care for my children round the clock for as long as I can remember.
But I do remember, I remember those days of freedom, of long uninterrupted hours to read, work, sleep, talk with my husband. And before I sound like an ungrateful bitch, I also remember the unrelenting sorrow of longing for a child, the ache of empty arms.
I’m just so tired.
I lost my cool with Illyria this morning, she came to me asking “Mama get the other animal – can’t reach,” but she couldn’t tell me what animal or where, and I finally yelled at her “HOW CAN I HELP YOU IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT?” I sent myself into time out and banged my head against the door in frustration so hard I saw a white flash. She was trying, I know, she was trying to tell me. I guess she has forgotten where she left the animal or it’s one that she can’t say the name of. (It’s just that she has so many – animal puzzle sets, beanie babies, a Noah’s Ark – she carries them from room to room in her little fist and forgets where she’s put them down.)
Because of rain and potential political unrest, Illyria hasn’t left the apartment since Tuesday. I’ve been out briefly for groceries while our babysitter’s been here but the kids have been inside for 4 days now. We have a playdate later this morning THANK GOD.
Sometimes I am so jealous of friends without kids who can sleep in on Saturday, eat a leisurely breakfast while they read the news, and then say to each other “what shall we do today?” without having to factor in nap schedules and early bedtimes.
I know, I know – last night she kissed the back of my head – and this morning Oscar fell asleep warm and soft in my arms while nursing – and they are so precious to me. I will look back someday and miss these times. But I also reserve the right to feel and own how worn out I am right now.