I had a good birthday. Friday morning I kind of took the morning off. I downloaded pictures off my camera, went to see a friend I haven’t seen in MONTHS, someone I always enjoy talking to in part because she’s a therapist and a GREAT listener, and also because she grew up overseas in a trans-national family and can relate to all my third-culture-kid dynamicky life stuff, and also because she experienced IF and an early loss and can relate on all of that stuff as well.
I had a lovely long nap with V. in the afternoon, then packed her off to Grandma’s while T. and I went out to dinner (Thai!) and a bookstore and it was all just really relaxing and fun. T. was in a jolly mood and I don’t know when is the last time we’ve laughed so much.
I was going to get all meditative about turning another year older, and how life has turned out so differently from what I imagined when I was younger – but it’s all so cliche. What does give me pause, though, is looking at pictures of my mom holding newborn-me and realizing she was TEN YEARS younger in those pictures than I am now.
Ten years ago T. and I were newlyweds, he’d just finished his doctorate and we moved here for a job we thought would last a year. Can’t believe we’re still here.
So back to my therapist friend. It didn’t surprise me, and it made me both happy and sad at the same time, that she is the first person I’ve really been able to talk to about the VBAC/repeat C-section thing who just really listened. EVERYBODY has an opinion, and the feelings and judgments tend to be so strong either way. Sometimes people seem really defensive, but mostly they just seem so sure of their perspective. Those who have had babies seem to extrapolate everything from their own experience/s and don’t always see the bigger picture (and I’m a big picture person to a fault). I get lost in the big picture, is one of my problems.
The other day I heard part of a review on NPR of a book titled Get Me Out: A History...(etc.). I started crying as I listened to the author talking because she was describing so much of where I feel myself right now – the tension between opposed paradigms about birth. I felt like somehow the author was listening to me – indirectly – and not shouting at me.
My sister just sent me 2 books on VBACs and I feel a powerful reluctance to open them – in fact, they’re still in the box – because I just feel like it’s going to be another barrage of voices telling me what to think, what to feel, what to do. I feel like I need to listen to myself right now and just hear from ME what I think, what I feel, what I want.
Right now I’m feeling like this baby wants to come out the old-fashioned way. But I need to talk to a few doctors here and figure out if there’s a way I’m even going to be allowed to try that… and if it’s really want I want to do.