Thanks for all the comments ladies! I’m blushing!
So I went to see my therapist this afternoon, an appointment I made in early December when I got tired of waking up every morning hating life. I’m not feeling that way right now, but it still felt worthwhile to go see her since my head is swimming in the face of some of the decisions we have to make, some of them really soon.
1) Do we go ahead with our plans to go to Albania (or Colombia) next fall, or postpone for a year?
2) Should I try for a VBAC?
The first question is largely an intellectual one, to my mind, but we are dealing with so many unknowns that it’s hard to deal with solely on the basis of logic, even though that’s how I make most of my decisions. Also, there is a strong affective factor in that T’s feelings about his current job are a huge motivation for us to leave sooner rather than later. So it’s complicated.
The second question evokes a lot of emotion for me. I’m still grieving the loss of the opportunity to have a “normal” birth experience the first time, and trying to process what it means for my sense of identity and self as a woman. The facts are that the only OB group in town here who’ll do VBACs is the one with the midwives, and I had a pretty negative experience with them back when we were doing the initial IF testing etc. I really don’t feel confident in their ability to provide me with competent care. I do know a number of women who LOVE them and have had only positive experiences there, but I also have two good friends who were just as if not more so traumatized by the lack of, shall I say, professionalism there. So I’m not going back. My other option might be to go back to NY to the OB who delivered V., although that wouldn’t guarantee me a VBAC, just the opportunity to try.Which doesn’t seem worth it to me.
Having another scheduled caesarean at least gives me the illusion of control, in a way. But I still cry when I think about being excluded from the tribe of women who all know what it is to be in labor, to time contractions, to have their husbands be in awe of their strength and fortitude. I think it’s the last bit that is especially hard for me to let go of. I wanted to impress T. Oh well.
After the session this afternoon T. and I went to a coffeeshop to talk through everything together, and while I felt like we were largely just repeating the same conversation we’ve had over and over for the past few months, and are no closer to making any decisions, it did help me gain a little more clarity on what exactly is at stake for us, especially with decision #1.
Ok, I’ve rambled long enough and I think T. wants the laptop back.
Thanks for listening. Y’all rock.