Sometimes, to figure out what I’m feeling, I have to look at what I’m doing. Especially when what I’m doing goes contrary to what I say I want.
I say I want to try to conceive again, but I’m doing nothing to anticipate ovulation. I’m not even temping. I’m not peeing on sticks – except every once in a while. I haven’t called the ob/gyn for an initial consultation, and I did nothing, really, to wean V.
Then V. weaned herself. But that’s a story for another post.
So finally T. and I cuddled up for a good chat, and what I uncovered when I looked inside was a lot of fear. I’m scared to try again. I’m scared that I won’t be able to get pregnant, but I’m also scared that I will. And why I’m scared of that has a lot to do with the uncertainty of our plans for next year.
T. is due for a year sabbatical from his university job, although a recent change in the sabbatical policy actually pushed his eligibility another year into the future. However, we had agreed a few years ago that he would take 2010-2011 off, and we would go somewhere overseas for 1-2 years. There’s a long backstory here that has to do with his frustrations at work and our desire to raise V. at least partly in another country, where she could learn a second language fluently and become a social misfit like we are (T. and I were both missionary kids). But the upshot is that even if he can’t take a sabbatical for ’10-’11, we’re still taking the year off.
So he’s put in an application for a leave of absence, which means he needs to find a paying job to cover during that time. Using his extensive contacts from the consulting work he does he found two possible gigs – one in Albania and one in Colombia. And for a short time we thought there was a possibility in New Zealand as well, but that didn’t pan out.
We’ll need to make a decision soon; the hard part is that the details of each gig are different enough that it’s hard to weigh – apples and oranges – which is best. I’m more partial to Colombia simply because I really want V. to learn Spanish, and I haven’t been doing a very consistent job of talking to her in Spanish at home for it to really stick. But I’d also be happy going to Albania because it seems like a really interesting country, and we’d be able to visit a lot of other European countries easily, and I’ve never been to Europe apart from 10 days in England in 2003.
But… would I want to move to a foreign country while pregnant?
Our move would happen sometime between June and August of 2010. So, if I were to get pregnant before the end of the year, I’d be due… well… right around then.
T’s philosophy, and the approach I adopted for TTC the first time, is to try, see what happens, and then based on what happens, work around things. As we have come to understand all too well, the outcome is truly not in our hands. We do what we can with the resources we have and then have to let it go. The first time around, I didn’t care WHEN we got pregnant, no matter how inconvenient, I just wanted it.
But now, remembering what it felt like to be in a somewhat unstable home situation in the third trimester (had to move out of my apt. while the bathroom was being remodeled) and how I ended up on hospital bedrest due to the threat of pre-eclampsia, I feel very different about things.
T. pointed out that our parents did all kinds of moving around while they were having kids, and I pointed out in turn that they were then TEN YEARS younger than we are now (my in-laws, for example, moved to a new house the SAME WEEK that their second child was born).
I feel very protective of my potentially-pregnant future self.
I don’t want to pack up the house and move to another country while in the third trimester.
So we’ll see what happens, I guess… I’m acutely aware of my age, and T’s age, and that we don’t have much time (in fact, we may already have run out of time and I just don’t know it yet). I have in the back of my mind a notion of international adoption. We want another baby. I just don’t know how it’s all going to work out.