Thinking back

St. Patrick’s Day makes me sad – this was the day four years ago that my BIL died.  We never found out what the cause of death was.  My sister found him on the bathroom floor in the morning and called the paramedics, but it was too late.  Their daughter was 6 months old.  She has remarried and has a new baby now, and my niece calls my new BIL “daddy.”  But we still remember A.  He was one of the most generous people I’ve ever met.  Whenever we talked on the phone, he always said “I love you” before saying goodbye.  He was like that with everyone in his life. 

And so, with loss on my mind and in my heart, I hear a song on my playlist that reminds me of my cousin, M.  He was only 23 when he died by suicide.  He knew how to juggle and was one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.  The last time I saw him he taught me some swing dance steps, at another cousin’s wedding. 

Someone who lost his wife at age 27 once told me “cover your loved ones in death.  That way you will live so you have no regrets.”  It’s not to be morbid, but to hold them mindfully.  Not let things slide.  The last Christmas we had with A., he only appears in 2 or 3 family photos.  I still regret this.  I’m sad V. will never know her uncle, at least on this side.  Who knows what is on the other.

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2 Responses to “Thinking back”

  1. Farah Says:

    just catching up on your posts. Some are capable to get pregnant while breastfeeding. In my breastfeeding moms group. there were like 4 pregnant breastfeeding moms of 6 months old. So ya know -it’s possible to do both. Heck some moms were breastfeeding a toddler and an infant.

    So sorry about the Reminder that St. Patty;s Day brings. I do hope the memories are the good ones.

  2. tara Says:

    sorry about the reminder & that you are stressed about the ttc- auntflo may return shortly- since you are getting close to that 1 yr mark @ V is eating food so well.

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