At sea

This excellent post by Heather really moved me, and made me revisit my thoughts and feelings about faith.

A couple years ago, when depression had delayed our starting TTC, I had this mental image of my spiritual state of being.  Imagine a lake, with a dock, and a boat tied to the dock.  Over time, the rope that moors the boat has frayed, and, without warning, one day it snaps.  At first there is no obvious consequence; the boat continues to bob on the water and bump rhythmically against the dock.  But little by little, then, it slowly begins to drift away. 

The person in the boat (erm, that would be me) is staring at the sky.  Minutes pass, then hours, days, and weeks, until at last I look up and notice that I’ve begun to drift.  No matter; I have oars, it’s not far.  I can row back anytime I want to.  It’s just that… I don’t really want to…

And the next time I look up, I’m even farther from shore.

This time it looks too far.

I would hold this mental image in my mind and feel a tremendous sadness, at the loss of the secure mooring.  For several years, I kept thinking that soon, soon I would feel the desire to pray again.  But that moment never came.  The closest I’ve really come have been the times of despair when I would talk to my late grandmother, or the litanies I’ve said for fellow stirrup queens.

But now, today, I feel like my boat has sailed into the open sea, as it was meant to do – tacking into the wind, under a cheerful sun, free into the wild blue.

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3 Responses to “At sea”

  1. Mel Says:

    That was gorgeous, E. It made my heart literally swell for a moment reading it. Thank you.

  2. Caro Says:

    Sounds like you are happy there.

  3. Kristin Says:

    What a beautiful way of expressing it all. I went back and read a bunch of your old posts and your daughter is gorgeous (as is your knitting).

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