Unfair

Ever since the BFP, I’ve been thinking about how differently you are handled when pg from when ttc/if. And I still think it’s really not fair. I know, I know, life isn’t fair, and infertility is even more not fair, but there’s nothing to rub salt in the wounds like being made to feel like you’re at the bottom of the priority list at the place you go for help.

I never went to an RE, although at least one IF friend counseled bypassing all ob/gyn farting around to go straight to the experts. I dont’ really want to go into all the reasons why I didn’t do that, but in any case I suspect that with an RE I wouldn’t have experience the particular frustration I felt at the ob/gyn I did go to first. It was incredibly frustrating to have so much trouble getting hold of the nurse who was supposed to be helping me at the first practice I went to, usually because she was out on call. Talking to pregnant women.

I can be all olympian and understanding at one level (well of course, there’s two human lives at stake for those women, there’s an actual baby, and that has to take priority) but at another level I was tremendously hurt and enraged. I felt the stigma of barrenness weighing oh so heavily – unworthiness, shame … and resentment. And then guilt for feeling resentment.

One thing I really, really appreciate about the practice I go to now is that they never made me feel like I was second-class or less important. When I needed to see the nurse at awkward times, they would work me into the schedule – sometimes over her lunch break. When I phoned, I’d get a call back usually within an hour (sometimes ten minutes!!!) instead of playing phone tage for three or four days like at the other place. This place sees women for everything – in the waiting room, there are couples with anxious and worried faces, women with big bellies, teenagers, post-menopausal women, and one time I’m very certain that a girl was there for an abortion. But it feels to me like everyone is given equal consideration, and I really appreciate that.

Still, now that I’m pg, I noticed that the co-pays for appointments have disappeared… I asked about that, and the receptionist told me “pregnancy is considered like one big appointment.” That’s so weird to me. Why can’t a course of treatment for infertility be considered like one big appointment? Because there’s no baby yet? But why should trying to create a baby be treated as insignificant or unimportant?

I guess for us the trying becomes all-important; I read this post on the creme de la creme: “Is there any kind of personal pain that is so little understood by those not experiencing it?” I count myself lucky in having friends so compassionate that they actually do get it, but the wider world at large is pretty clueless. I don’t think I really got it until I experienced it. But still. You’d think that a clinic that includes infertility treatment on its menu should have a clue.

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3 Responses to “Unfair”

  1. Grad3 Says:

    You would think that they would have a clue but people surprise us all the time (mostly not in good ways).

    I am so glad to hear that the pregnancy is going well!!! Yay for you baby 🙂 I think that it’s funny you had to get your hubby to go- I was trying to keep mine from going!

  2. Caro Says:

    You’d think they would but it seems to be universal that once pregnant all our previous troubles are forgotten.

  3. Rachel Says:

    I second caro’s comment.

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