Worry

I’ll be four months on Friday, but as my life quiets down a bit (only because we’re not doing gift exchanges, baking, decorating, or much of the other holiday “stuff”) I find myself worrying . . . a lot. The more freely we tell people, the more I worry. I find myself telling someone I’m due in June and then thinking (really? Really???).

My sister sent me this book, which I hesitated to read because I thought it would make me feel guilty for choosing a doctor over a midwife, a hospital birth over a home birth, and so on. But almost the very first section was on… worry. The authors make the claim that “worry is the work of pregnancy.”

The thing is, I’ve been wondering whether the worry itself is a symptom or sign of intuitive knowledge that something is deeply wrong. This line of thought clearly leads right back into itself, with a kind of mobius recursiveness that’s hard to shake.

So after reading that section in the book, I sat down and got quiet for a minute, and asked myself, what do I really know in my heart of hearts about this pregnancy, right now? Not for the future, and not what do I think might be the case… and the answer, at a level beneath all that anxious buzzing, was that everything is fine. The Critter is fine right now. For the moment, everything is ok.

That state of mind turns out to be difficult to sustain, though. I’ve been waking up every day at 5 or 6 in the morning, unable to fall back asleep. Eventuall I get up, eat breakfast, and read until T. gets up – then I got back to bed and sleep for another 3 hours or so. I find that I have to get something to read, otherwise I just stew in bed – worrying.

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2 Responses to “Worry”

  1. Rachel Says:

    When I told friends how worried I was with my pregnancy, I found out they all worried just as much. The ones who never experienced infertility or loss worried about the same things I did.

    I know it is hard but just cherish every moment you are pregnant. Try to enjoy all the positive things: hearing the heartbeat, feeling movement, staring at ultrasound pictures, thinking of names, etc.

  2. Sarah Says:

    I agree the worrying is common, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Hang in there!

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