Just so you are forewarned, in this post I process my thoughts about a decision that I’m thankful I’m facing but still perplexed about. And it is this: midwives, or doctor?
Today I met with the doctor I’ve been assigned to. Heard the hearbeat (good), peed in a cup (standard), blood pressure check – high. Not so good. I think it’s partly end-of-semester stress (when I woke up this morning my neck and shoulders were so tight they hurt, like I’d been lifting weights, which I hadn’t) and partly just the unknowns of meeting a new doctor. I liked him. Straightforward, kind, and efficient. I asked all my questions (mostly about vitamins and exercise) and he asked me whether I’ve decided to continue on with him or would I like to see the midwives?
At first I felt at a total loss even to know how to think about this question. Everybody says that the main difference between the two is that midwives have more time to spend with you. Frankly, that’s not my #1 criterion. In terms of pain management at delivery, he said that the only thing he can do that they can’t is a C-section. I know a lot of people feel really strongly about C-sections, but I can’t find it in my heart to care either way very much. I don’t have strong feelings about epidural vs. “natural” birth either. I’m kind of interested in having the option to get totally drugged out if it helps.
But the thing is… I feel like I should. Care. More. I realized that the question has a social dimension to it I hadn’t really foreseen. Choosing the doctor over the midwives feels like… not recycling. What will my friends say? What will my sister think? Who will judge me when they see the glass bottles in the garbage can instead of the recycling bin? It feels like precisely that kind of a moral and ethical decision to me, but the truth is – I don’t really want to see the midwives.
I’m not sure if it’s because of my negative experiences with the practice in VA, or because of anxiety about something going wrong. I’m just… not… interested. And I feel kind of guilty about that.