I just spent an hour listening to and watching Tori Amos clips on Youtube and crying, instead of reading for class like I should be. But it felt really good.

I’ve been thinking about my late BIL more often than usual recently, and crying every time I do. I wasn’t sure why until I realized that this time of year evokes the last few times I saw him alive. In October ’04, I went to Maine to see my 3-week-old niece; in November the 3 of them stayed with us overnight on their way to Florida, and in December they came back for Christmas. He died in March.

Parasol” – Tori Amos

“When I come to terms, to terms with this / My world will change for me / I haven’t moved since the call came / Since the call came I haven’t moved / I stare at the wall knowing on the other side / The storm that waits for me

“Then the Seated Woman with a Parasol / May be the only one you can’t betray / If I’m the Seated Woman with a Parasol / I will be safe in my frame

“I have no need for a sea view / For a sea view I have no need / I have my little pleasures / This wall being one of these”

This is the song that, for me, always evokes the day he died. My sister called me shortly afterwards and I was there the next day. Nothing has been the same since then, for her or her daughter, obviously, but for our whole family as well. I told someone recently that this event was the last nail in the coffin of my faith (somewhat melodramatic, but not too far off – that was certainly when I gave up on the idea that I’d ever feel close to or trust God again). It seems kind of lame to twist this into being all about ME ME ME but it did affect me, and mine is the only story I’m really entitled to tell here anyway.


2 Responses to “Catharsis”

  1. Samantha Says:

    Sometimes previous deaths sneak up on us unexpectedly. The way I see it, we never totally recover from it, but over time the edges become less sharp and other things move into center focus. But every now and then it comes back sharply.


  2. niobe Says:

    As you know, I’ve been thinking about something kind of like this. But I never feel better when I cry. I wonder why.

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