I am so relieved. I should have gone PWP a long time ago, but I was trusting in my family’s lack of tech-savvy to keep this blog private (if you look under my profile, I blog more generally about my life at Knitting Through the Valley, or ep-knits.blogspot.com – my whole extended family has that url). It actually took 8 months for a family member to find The I Word, which was actually ok with me, because of who it was, but then word began to spread – and it started to feel too risky. This blog is a bit more raw than the persona I usually present to the family. I think my parents would be SHOCKED to know that I occasionally use foul language and enjoy drinking wine.

Anyway, the reason I’m so relieved is that my Aunt C. has been reading my news this past week and she is just way too excited! I swore her to secrecy but if T. found out that she knows? He’d be, well, more than a little put out. So I wrote her a long e-mail about why I’m going PWP and blah blah blah, and she was totally understanding and not hurt or put out at all. Hence the relief.

Man, negotiating family relationships can be such a minefield.

So this weekend we’ll be at the family farm seeing my parents who are visiting from Peru, my sister, my niece, cousins, aunts, uncles, all. I’m only supposed to tell my mom and my sister though! And on Sunday we’ll Skype my in-laws with the news, for parity. I have to remind T. that we need to tell my SIL too. They are going to be *over the moon*.

I know it seems early, but I figure that I’d rather share the joy than not. I KNOW my MIL is going to be just way too excited – but I’ll just have to find a way to deal with that. It will be nice to make her happy.

Last night I dreamed that I was at the family farm and started spotting red. Then suddenly started gushing a yellow liquid streaked with red. Gushing, like water from a hose. I called 911 but gave them the wrong address. Some of my Peruvian/Japanese relatives were there, and three of them were actually doctors (this is not true IRL); they examined me and said I was almost certainly going to miscarry. I was crying and crying and trying to dial 911. But I was sure I wasn’t going to miscarry, absolutely certain of it, I just needed to get help.

I think this is all about the stress of telling family. Even though I’m so excited to tell, there is that fear of jinxing it, and the fear of having to go back and tell everyone about a loss. It’s also about the complications of family and relationships with family – the complicated claims that we have on one another through kinship and marriage, the constraints that are entailed, and the the concommitant support and love.

The day before the scan I felt really zen about it. I was hesitant to entirely trust that feeling, but I had some kind of sense that everything was going to be ok. I’m trying to relax into that zen when thinking about this weekend. But I’ve bitten all my fingernails short today.


6 Responses to “Whew!”

  1. Manda Says:

    I totally get it…I would be MORTIFIED if any one who actually knows me found my miscarriage blog! Thanks for adding me! Just FYI, when I comment with Google the blog link that I have listed o my profile is my “main” public blog (http://insidedog.typepad.com) but my miscarriage blog is http://insidedog.typepad.com/ohbaby So much drama to keep some things hidden, huh?

  2. Caro Says:

    Oh the dreams are awful. I’ve lost count of the number of times since I found out I was pregnant that I’ve woken up from a vivid worry dream. It takes a while to shake off the feeling once you’re awake too.

    I sympathise with the overexcited in-laws. I’m slightly dreading what they’ll be like when the baby actually arrives.

  3. Samantha Says:

    I definitely wouldn’t want my family finding out about my blog – that would be bad! So I understand why you went PWP.

    I hope you can regain your zen!

  4. JJ Says:

    Thanks for the heads up on the PWP=) Sorry you had to go under the radar, but I understand-gotta let your feelings flow!

  5. Summer Says:

    It’s always a little sad when an IF blogger has to go PWP, but I would have done the same thing if someone I knew found my blog.

    And a belated Congrats!

  6. Mommy Someday Says:

    NO ONE in my family knows I blog, and I would be devastated if they found out!!! Like you, I am quite a bit more extroverted on my blog than I am in real life. Good luck with telling your family about the baby! Even with one miscarriage, I am still in the “tell early” camp. Otherwise, how can the family share in your joy (or God forbid, sorrow). When’s your next scan?

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