Run Away! Run Away!

This is all very weird. Tonight I was walking home and thinking about when to tell my mom, and I started crying. I was running the conversation in my head, and said to the mom-in-my-head, “you know, this doesn’t mean I’m having a baby. It just means that a necessary (but not sufficient) condition has been fulfilled.”

There’s something about trying and failing for this long that can start to make a person think that it must be for some profound and intrinsic reason – perhaps God doesn’t want me to have children. In that case, I certainly won’t be able to keep this . . . this whatever it is that could potentially turn into a child. He’s going to take it away, just like he took A (my BIL) away. And my cousin M. And my friend K.

Farmwrench (you know who you are) recently reminded me that in 2005 we nearly lost another cousin, but his cancer was discovered and removed just in time. He’s now living cancer free, and for that we are very thankful (but to whom? or to what?).

Obviously, attributing every little thing – even the big things – to the direct, conscious, and intentional hand of God is pretty crazy-making. I can’t really reconcile these things, which is why it’s hard for me to go to church anymore. But at the gut-level of belief, which seems to be beyond my cognitive control, it feels like I’m being punished for something. It feels hard to believe that this could be for real.

Hence my shyness about celebrating. But I know that at least for now, I can at least pretend that there is something there, something that’s hanging on for dear life, and might even make it. So far.

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9 Responses to “Run Away! Run Away!”

  1. Caro Says:

    I think we all wonder about whether we are being punished somehow, by a god or the universe, since it seems so unfair to be going through all this. But we have to remember what we say to everyone else also applies to us, it’s not a punishment it’s just the random suckiness of life.

  2. Rachel Says:

    I have felt that way too. I still do a lot of days. I think when you tell your mom, you should let her be excited. I was doing enough worrying for everyone, there was no sense in letting other people worry too. Just try and relax (as best you can) until the scan next week. Seeing the heartbeat will help you become more excited.

  3. Katie Says:

    First time by – your feet pic called me in. Congratulations on the news we’re not allowed to talk about yet! But I am still so excited for you!

  4. Kristen Says:

    I have also felt as though I was being punished for something. But then I think of all the people I know who have made much worse mistakes than me and still have healthy children. I just can’t believe that God or whomever one believes is the creator of the universe would do that to His or Her own creation.

    I’m sorry that your joy and naivety has been stolen from you by way of IF. But the fact is you ARE pregnant at this moment and can try to relish what you can of that happiness. I can’t wait for your scan and all the milestones to follow. XOXO

  5. Samantha Says:

    Hang in there. No one is punishing you. I hope you’ll be able to feel more like enjoying yourself after your first scan.

  6. Hilary Says:

    Congratulations on, um, well…just congratulations!

    I totally know how you feel, that gut-level feeling of being punished by God. I felt the same way after my miscarriage.

    I think now, maybe I relied a little too much on God, and maybe some of the burden should have been carried by fate (in that, things happen for a reason).

    And I think GOOD things are happening for you! I am sending you tons of good luck vibes for your scan next week…keep us posted.

  7. jessica Says:

    congratulations on the pregnancy, found out about it from sticky bean 🙂

  8. OrchidLover Says:

    Congrats! Just directed to your site from Sticky Bean.

    Hey, take your time telling people. There’s no rush! Especially if they will go crazy like my mom did the first time… I’m waiting this time, and have to say, I feel an awful lot better about it.

  9. Kami Says:

    Congrats on the pregnancy. I understand feeling like you are being punished or that somehow the universe is against you. I feel that way sometimes too, yet logic tells me it is just bad luck. Not even luck, just the way it is.

    Try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. I know that is hard too.

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