So the links on the sidebar – the list is modest in length, compared to some which are encyclopedic (or “encyclopaedic” for the posh spellers out there). This is about what I feel like I can keep up with on a regular basis. When the BFPs started rolling in a few months ago, I was astonished at first – even though every single one of us is pursuing the same goal, for some reason I wasn’t prepared for anyone’s success!
I always like to know, before I click on a link, whether the blogger is pg, and whether she or he is already a parent. I always get that momentary sinking feeling if it’s not a regular read, not someone I feel like I already “know.” So I started labeling the BFPs on my reading list as such so anyone stumbling across my blog and looking at the links would be forewarned. And now there are losses, too. My fingers feel heavy as I change the label from BFP to Loss. But I want to acknowledge the pain of that present journey. I just hope if you see your own blog linked there, with either label, it doesn’t feel like that label defines who you are.
I was thinking about grief yesterday as I got an e-mail from my sister and she referenced her husband’s death which happened March 17, 2005. Their baby was 6 months old at the time and now she is about to turn 3. Every milestone in my niece’s life reminds us of the loss of her father. The grief I still feel for my sister and niece makes me think that maybe I have an inkling of the grief you feel who have lost babies. I know it’s not the same. But I recognize the aspect of lingering, and the cyclical nature of the sadness.
It’s weird, never having been pregnant at all, I sometimes wonder whether I would feel better or worse over a loss. This is hard to put in words – I definitely feel left out or excluded for never having had a BFP, and in some weird way, for never having experienced a loss of this kind. Is that just completely ridiculous? Is it insulting? I feel like there’s a certain wisdom or undertsanding that comes with experience, and not having had this particular experience I feel dumb – fumbling blind – at times, looking to give love and support to those who have. It’s uncertainty and self-doubt about my own words and responses.
Probably the WRONG approach here is this very turning of the gaze inward to obsess over my own reactions to things. That’s not going to help anybody. Again, my goal in life is not to be self-absorbed. And one of my friends who has never struggled with IF has been just about the most supportive, understanding, and wonderful since I started opening up to her about my struggles. Sometimes you don’t have to have been there to be able to relate to the common current of sorrow.