Blogs I check obsessively for updates

So the links on the sidebar – the list is modest in length, compared to some which are encyclopedic (or “encyclopaedic” for the posh spellers out there). This is about what I feel like I can keep up with on a regular basis. When the BFPs started rolling in a few months ago, I was astonished at first – even though every single one of us is pursuing the same goal, for some reason I wasn’t prepared for anyone’s success!

I always like to know, before I click on a link, whether the blogger is pg, and whether she or he is already a parent. I always get that momentary sinking feeling if it’s not a regular read, not someone I feel like I already “know.” So I started labeling the BFPs on my reading list as such so anyone stumbling across my blog and looking at the links would be forewarned. And now there are losses, too. My fingers feel heavy as I change the label from BFP to Loss. But I want to acknowledge the pain of that present journey. I just hope if you see your own blog linked there, with either label, it doesn’t feel like that label defines who you are.

I was thinking about grief yesterday as I got an e-mail from my sister and she referenced her husband’s death which happened March 17, 2005. Their baby was 6 months old at the time and now she is about to turn 3. Every milestone in my niece’s life reminds us of the loss of her father. The grief I still feel for my sister and niece makes me think that maybe I have an inkling of the grief you feel who have lost babies. I know it’s not the same. But I recognize the aspect of lingering, and the cyclical nature of the sadness.

It’s weird, never having been pregnant at all, I sometimes wonder whether I would feel better or worse over a loss. This is hard to put in words – I definitely feel left out or excluded for never having had a BFP, and in some weird way, for never having experienced a loss of this kind. Is that just completely ridiculous? Is it insulting? I feel like there’s a certain wisdom or undertsanding that comes with experience, and not having had this particular experience I feel dumb – fumbling blind – at times, looking to give love and support to those who have. It’s uncertainty and self-doubt about my own words and responses.

Probably the WRONG approach here is this very turning of the gaze inward to obsess over my own reactions to things. That’s not going to help anybody. Again, my goal in life is not to be self-absorbed. And one of my friends who has never struggled with IF has been just about the most supportive, understanding, and wonderful since I started opening up to her about my struggles. Sometimes you don’t have to have been there to be able to relate to the common current of sorrow.

Enough navel-gazing.

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10 Responses to “Blogs I check obsessively for updates”

  1. LJ Says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I separated out the PG and non-PG folks a few weeks ago. It astounded me, the number of people I had to move. And it is hard, having only failure except for literally one day of “success”. Mostly I am happy, but I am also sad, fearful, jealous and angry. So I just do the best I can to take care of me, but be good to others at the same time. It’s all we can do, right?

  2. Teendoc Says:

    I think I suck because it is still hard for me to read about the pregnancies. I still suffer with the “what about me” feelings of inadequacies, though I wouldn’t trade our daughter for all the pregnancies in the world. She is our miracle! Clearly I’m screwed up.

  3. Kami Says:

    I have been through loss and I still don’t know if the comments I leave are helpful or not. I want to say, “you will survive!” sometimes, but what if she is not ready to hear that? Yet, it might be JUST what she needed to hear, but I didn’t write it.

  4. Caro Says:

    Before the current one (which I hope sticks) I always felt lucky to have at least been pregnant however much the losses have hurt. I don’t know how I would have coped if it had taken this long with no pregnancies at all. Of course losses after a heartbeat has been seen really effect me at the moment and make me scared all over again.

  5. Samantha Says:

    I have categorized my blogroll, but I move people to the pregnant category after they see a heartbeat. I’ve learned from reading and my own experience that a BFP can be pretty tenuous.

  6. Kristen Says:

    I recently divided out my encyclopedia myself. After my second loss, I just needed to know what I was getting into so I could avoid the pg ones on a bad day.

    It is hard to say whether having a loss or never being pg is worse. Both have their terrible effects on us. Having had a miscarriage (or two), I can say that I would have rather never gotten my hopes up with a BFP and then see my baby leave my body. It is the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

    Both are painful in their own ways. It sucks either way and I wish none of us had to feel any of it.

  7. niobe Says:

    I can see why people would want to label the blogs on their blogroll to give people fair warning before they click, but I don’t think I could bear to list people as pregnant. Because I know that, as much as I wish it were different, some of them would suffer losses and I’d have to move them back. And what if I didn’t do it quickly enough? How painful to see yourself still listed as pregnant after that pregancy had ended.

    Pregnancies are so fragile that I think I fear for pregnant women more than I envy them.

  8. Rachel Says:

    When my brother and then my sister got pregnant before me, I mourned each pregnancy. Neither was supposed to have a child before me. The grief I experienced with their news from each of them was short lived compared to the grief from the loss of my first pregnancy.

    I do not really know which is worse though. The lack of a positive and the loss of a baby are both the loss of a dream. I think that how real that dream felt, depends on how strong the grief is in either situation.

    One of my friends had a miscarriage and got over it very quickly, because the pregnancy never felt real to her.

  9. Elizabeth Says:

    Very, very interesting to hear other’s comments on diff. aspects of these topics. Niobe’s point is well taken – it was so heartbreaking yesterday to go to Sara’s blog and see the face of it transformed – tickers gone, life-story-blurb already edited – to my mind it reflected the suddenness of the loss itself and how it changes everything. It’s hard to decide *in general* how to handle certain things based on how I think *I* would feel in similar circumstances. The reminders of having been pg are always going to be painful, I think, whether you’re listed under “loss” or under “BFP.” But again, I speak from a position of guessing rather than experience.

    I’m also thinking over Samantha’s point about how fleeting the BFP can be – and the corollary that having experienced loss means holding off on blythe celebrating for an indeterminate length of time.

    So it boils down to this – how to be sensitive to the person whose blog it is, and to the potential new reader, at the same time? I guess I would end up having to weigh in favor of the person whose blog it is, under some vague notion of “ownership” and “property” rights.

    Some people with really long lists label the new BFPs very sensitively – there’s Serenity’s “Serenity Found?” with that gentle question mark – and others I can’t recall right now.

    I’m going to have to think about this and come back to it latter b/c gotta run to class!!

  10. LIW (Lady In Waiting) Says:

    Each person’s blog is what it should be. And analyzing your feelings is never a waste – but this from someone who is often told that she overanalyzes everything!

    I have really appreciated all of the support that you have offered on my blog. I am only sorry that it hasn’t taken so long for me to catch up on what you are going through.

    It sounds like we are cycle-sistas as I am on CD4 and taking Clomid as well….

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