Alert: I’m going to post a picture of something I made that could break your heart if you are feeling fragile or have recently experienced a loss. But it’s at the bottom of the post.

Medical update: It took about three minutes to determine that I have no cysts in my ovaries at this time. It’s taken about 48 hours even to be able to think that there is a way of looking at this situation that makes it good news: I had thought this past summer that the earliest we would be able to do another cycle would be October, but this is a whole month earlier than that. Small, small comfort, but at least an attempt to break out of my current mind-set of misery. That’s a good sign.

Nurse Serious told me “if there’s anything you can do to help you relax – yoga, anything – that will only work in your favor.” Even though this could be a variant of the “just relax” assvice, the way she phrased it communicated to me a concern for my well-being (albeit in her extremely efficient manner). My blood pressure was elevated and I’m sure my face revealed every ounce of stress I was feeling.

Taking walks, and candlelight yoga in the evenings help me relax. So does wine. And knitting absolutely helps me relax – even baby clothes.

I knit baby clothes on a regular basis. At one time I was selling baby stuff at the local farmer’s market to help raise money for my newly widowed sister and her 6mo daughter, plus there were all those pg friends to knit for as well. I like knitting baby clothes b/c they’re really quick knits and don’t take as much yarn. I don’t even use patterns anymore, usually; I make up my own designs. I often lurk at this baby-knit blog just to get ideas. As you can readily imagine, knitting baby clothes when you’re infertile can also be akin to raking your own flesh with a garden fork and then pouring a mixture of salted lemon juice and vinegar into the wounds.

But this is my talisman against the gingerbread cottage. This is what I do to keep from becoming that bitter, bitter person who cackles in the forest. This is how I try to turn and face into the light. I finished this today:


4 Responses to “Talisman”

  1. Kami Says:

    That is beautiful. You must be very talented I crochet baby blankets. I made one sweater, but find I enjoy the simplicity of a blanket – and I still follow patterns. I do it because it makes me feel connected to the someday baby I hope to have. Nothing wrong with having a talisman.

  2. Jackie Says:

    I have been knitting and crocheting baby stuff since before I ever started trying to get pregnant. And I just kept right on doing it through all the failed cycles. People I love kept having babies and I desperately needed them to have something I made with my own 2 hands.

  3. niobe Says:

    my talisman against the gingerbread cottage.

    A lovely turn of phrase.

  4. tara Says:

    nice knitting!

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