Nothing I Didn’t Really Already Know

I woke up this morning about two hours before my alarm was set to go off, with a full bladder and steady bbt. I lay in bed for about 20 minutes trying to fall asleep again, or think about something else, but finally decided to stop groping my stubbornly un-sore boobs and get up. I didn’t get out the HPT right away though – I peed into a cup and left it on the bathroom floor while I went to consult this web site, and then this one. I didn’t ask if I was pg, just if I should test. The first one was quite interesting – ambiguous (of course) but interesting. I felt peace about taking the risk. The 8 ball only said “maybe.” (I wish I had an aletheometer.)

So I dipped the HPT into the cup, following directions, and got a single, brilliantly pink line gracing the little window. “Ok,” I thought. “So that’s it.” I found it interesting how much I didn’t seem to mind.

About an hour later I was checking e-mail and not really thinking about it, when all of a sudden I just started to cry. It felt like my heart was being squeezed in a vice grip. Not sure how long it lasted, I just let it play itself out.

So it was a sad day. I’m not going to change my ticker until AF officially gets started, but after a single glance I was unable to look again at the slender, dark-haired woman in the laundromat with the toddler and the baby bump. I bought some yarn and wine but it didn’t really make me feel any better. I think this might be the only thing that would really help right now (but he’s still in Colombia).

One of my goals in life is not to be self-absorbed but right now, even though I’m reading all your blogs, my heart’s not in it. I’m sorry.

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One Response to “Nothing I Didn’t Really Already Know”

  1. LJ Says:

    Elizabeth,

    I am so sorry you got the single line. I’m expecting to join you in a few days. It really is such a torturous time, and of course, it seems like pregnant women are everywhere.

    It just sucks, and I think being absorbed by it is completely natural.

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