Regrouping

Thanks for the get-well wishes! I am feeling almost back to normal today. I was well for the whole time in Peru, one of only 4 people in the group who never had any illness during the trip. But I think I was worn out by the time we got home. The hardest part I think was the mental and emotional fatigue this past week, feeling like I was swimming through a thick gray fog and wondering what the point of it all is.

I just talked with my dr., who suggested we take the summer off since I’ll be in Virginia until August and she’s in NY. Well, that had been my plan, originally, but T. wanted to go for another clmid cycle in July. June’s a wash anyway. I suppose I could see about going back to my old provider here, but I’m not sure I’m up for that level of frustration.

About two days ago I fell into this deep sadness as it began to seem true to me that I will never bear a child. NEVER. It is a possible future, that I’ll reach the end of my life never having been pg. Sometimes I feel like Puddleglum (Narnia) – I think in some ways I like to imagine the worst, and to steel myself for it. And know that I’ll still be ok, even so. But the downside is I end up spending a lot of time feeling sad about things that aren’t exactly real.

This is why T. is so good for me – he tends to imagine the best, not the worst, and to approach life with a merry optimism. Ok, sometimes it bugs me, but I love him for it.

Soon I will post some photos because Peru was beautiful!

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3 Responses to “Regrouping”

  1. SaraS-P Says:

    I am like Puddleglum, too, then, because I sometimes have the “never” thoughts. D tries to keep it positive, but it is getting harder not to think about what it’ll be like to never get what we want.

    I hope, after your break, you are proven wrong, and get to become a mother.

    Looking forward to some Peru pics!

  2. Baby Blues Says:

    Opposites attract. I tend to be the pessimist and Mr. Kite’s the optimist. He’s teaching me to be more positive, and I’m glad he’s doesn’t get any of my negativity.

  3. Rachel Says:

    I am sending you a virtual hug to cheer you us.

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