Out of Left Field



I think that about sums up how I feel right now. I just found out that someone in my cohort is pregnant. She told me about 5 minutes before class this morning, where we were to do a presentation together. I think I performed happy surprise and congratulations very well, in fact, I think I deserve a freaking Oscar. (Someone should design a sidebar button for this!) I learned that she is about 6 weeks along, has known for about 10 days, and is just now starting to feel symptoms. “It’s not fun,” she said ruefully. Wow… I didn’t say any of the things I wanted to, I just said “It will be worth it in the end, right?” Totally dumb-ass thing to say. What was I thinking?

Dammit, I should get a prize for holding it together in class, I mean absolutely and completely normal, like nothing different was going on. The presentation went really well.

But inside, I just felt rage, and hate, and despair.

Her boyfriend lives in DC. They met online. They’ve been a couple since January, I think. He’s planning to move here.

I can hardly bear this.

So then I was walking home, actually feeling ok about it all, even happy, somehow, thinking “Well, this should increase my chances at getting that fellowship she and I both applied for.” (Like that makes any sense, right? Like the universe “owes” me now.) On Tuesday, she and another of our cohort had gotten rejection letters with honorable mention, but my letter hadn’t come yet (I tell you, the 2ww analogies – very similar feeling). So then I got home and listened to phone messages. Second message was from T. in VA, saying the letter from the foundation had gone there, instead of here, and it’s what one of our friends calls the P.F.O. (Please Fuck Off). Not even an honorable mention.

That’s when I collapsed into tears.

I have another class with her, this evening, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. What is the fucking point of it all? Why am I even here???? I literally want to kill her. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I had no idea I was this vulnerable.


2 Responses to “Out of Left Field”

  1. Heather Says:

    Amen on the Oscar thing. We are better actresses than those who make millions. I’m so sorry Sweetie. Damn this sucks.

  2. Zee Says:

    Just catching up now. UGH! I know this feeling well. It’s like someone whacked you in the back of the head with a two-by-four. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. (I’m so sorry we all are!)

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