Spiders, Dirt, Eggs

Last night (or early this morning) I dreamed that I was looking for clothes to wear (I think I was mostly naked) and saw an enormous spider perched on a big sheet or towel that was draped over an indoor clothesline. I was frightened but fascinated at the same time – then I noticed it was laying an egg. Both spider and egg were kind of orangy-peach in color. I called T. for help; he came in to kill the spider but I made him wait until it was finished laying the egg. Then he knocked the spider to the floor and stepped on it. Guts splattered everywhere!

My dream dictionary asks, “Who is the spider?” Who is the spider? Egg = TTC? Spider = IUI? The IUI was “killed” yesterday, but the egg allowed to live? In real life I’m only moderately afraid of spiders, and this one was big, but the color very non-threatening. The mix of fear and fascination probably does reflect my feelings about IUI. I’m not sure. The nudity certainly reflects the vulnerability and exposure I feel as I peek out of my IF closet through this blog and as I’ve shared details of my journey with a handful of really close friends. Especially the revelations about our sex life. But I think it’s healthy, it’s good for me to share these things. I’ve been all too repressed for most of my life.

I’ve also noticed a recurring theme in dreams that are quite different in the details; a theme of soil or dirt on the body. Last night I dreamed that T. had dirt on his hands that I was washing (scrubbing) off. The night before I dreamed that I had dirt all over my calves and bare feet. A few weeks ago I dreamed that I was telling my sister about a recurring dream of wading in excrement. Do I feel “dirty” for being open about the fact that (gasp) I am having sex with my husband in hopes of getting knocked up?

Last, and least opaque, I also dreamed last night that I was driving a motorcycle and my entire family was riding behind; mom, dad, T., sister, niece. (In real life I drove a motorcycle around rural Bolivia for four years, it was totally fun!) I was focused very strongly on staying upright and figuring out where we needed to turn. It was all about looking for balance and direction.

Definitely what my life is about right now: looking for balance and direction. It’s really hard, isn’t it? Something a lot of you are commenting on these days (Baby Blues, I mean you!). Work, ART, life, family… any one of those could consume a person, let alone trying to keep it all in perspective.



4 Responses to “Spiders, Dirt, Eggs”

  1. Samantha Says:

    [comment deleted]

  2. Nica Says:

    [comment deleted]

  3. Baby Blues Says:

    Keeping everything in balance and finding direction careerwise is so difficult when the one thing you really want is the one thing you can’t seem to achieve. That’s life messing with you.

    TTC moments are crazy. We start laughing everytime we reminisce too. It’s amusing to find the funny side in serious matters.

  4. Elizabeth Says:

    I edited this post and deleted the comments that referred to the parts I excised. Trying to protect confidentiality and anonymity

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