Turmoil

What is it about Spring? Or maybe it’s just PMS… I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since Sunday. It probably didn’t help that Saturday was the 2-year anniversary of my brother-in-law’s sudden and unexplained death (leaving my sister with a 6-month-old daughter).

Sunday night I spent three hours at our local big chain bookstore reading the ONE book on IF that I found there, cover to cover. I am still ruminating over what I thought about it; the intended audience seems to be the upper-middle-class career woman. I was a bit put off by what I felt was the overarching message of “hurry hurry hurry now that you’ve selfishly squandered your fertile years building a career, you stupid selfish thing,” but I might be reading into it a little bit. I’m a teeny tiny bit prone to excessive guilt-tripping… in the way that Mt. Everest is a teeny tiny little hill…

I think what freaked me out more than anything was the association they point out between low progesterone and high chances of m/c. My official diagnosis is “unexplained,” but my progesterone is low-ish and my luteal phase short-ish, hence the Clmid in my future, so this really frightened me.

The other thing that happened while I was reading this book was a major freak-out over my recent birthday. Heck, I’m THIRTY FOUR now… this means I have TWELVE MONTHS before my expiration date…

I ended up going home, journaling furiously, then escaping to the bathroom to cry with the fan on so my husband couldn’t hear me. I took advantage of the moment to scrub the floor and tub, though.

Later, I cried in his arms some more and we talked about it. He made me laugh, as always. He’s so cute too when he puts on his “active listening” hat (he’s getting good at it!). He helped me identify my primary fear, which is: that we made a bad decision by postponing ttc, and that there’s no remedy now, and we have doomed ourselves to childlessness. He sounded more open about adoption than he has before, although he remains confident that IUI is going to work for us. His nickname around the house may be “Evil,” but Sunday night he was “Light.”

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