In the past week or so, I’ve had four dreams in which I was terribly, hugely angry with somebody because they wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do. After the first couple dreams, I kept fixating on the individuals in the dreams, what it was they wanted me to do, and trying to back-translate that into my waking life. But by this morning I’d figured out the pattern – I think what I’m really angry about is the upcoming IUI.
I don’t have philosophical problems with ART, it’s more of a gut-level reluctance to experience metal implements in my body. When I went in for the HSG last June, literally the worst part of the whole experience was climbing onto the table in the flimsy gown in this windowless room full of metal and plastic, and seeing a little cart with long metal implements laid out on it, like the most horrifyingly enormous dentist’s tools ever, and they were going into my vagina. Even though the “reading” of the dye test was that everything was fine and normal and healthy, I lay there with tears pooling in my ears feeling the early onset of an anxiety attack. The physical discomfort was actually less than the emotional or psychological discomfort of feeling my body invaded by these metal implements.
So I’m really dreading the ulstrasound coming up on Friday, and so much more the IUI in April. It’s the panicky dread of the unknown, and the expectation of feeling helpless and out of control. I don’t want them sticking metal things up into me.
But it seems like the anger part of it is only something I am able to access or get in touch with through my dreams. Which leads me to the question – who is making me do this? Why do I feel coerced? I’m not sure how to answer that question. If I flat-out said no, I don’t want to do this, I think the Bear would try to persuade me to, but wouldn’t make me. My folks and his folks have both been very clear about being supportive of us adopting. Nobody in the medical field has been coercive with anything. So I dunno. It’s weird. Maybe I’ll figure it out later.
Meantime, gotta stock up on chocolate.