I Went to the Doctor

(sing it, now!)
Actually she was a CNP. We talked for half an hour and came up with a Plan. Then I went home and freaked out, because no matter what I PLAN, my body is going to do what my body is going to do, and if I ovulate on a Wednesday I’m screwed (actually I’m not, if you get my drift, because on Wednesdays, Terry is in Virginia and I’m in New York). This got me thinking, am I simply out of my freaking mind?!?!?!?!? What do I think I’m trying to do here, honestly?!?!?!?! And another month goes by… and another… and another… and pretty soon it’s going to add up to another dang YEAR.

Then I went to class, and talked with my (soon to be) advisor about classes, and talked with Terry about logistics and calendars and planning, and felt a lot better.

I LOVE my classes. So much so that I’m idiotically taking 5 right now. I plan to drop one (soon! soon!) and take another down to pass/fail, but meanwhile, I’m going whole hog.

That’s why it’s 2:26 a.m. (whatever that silly time stamp says) and I’m on my way to bed. I think I can cram in about 6 hours til I have to get up for class… this is why I stopped charting my temperature; my sleep habits are just too weird.

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3 Responses to “I Went to the Doctor”

  1. tara Says:

    so i heard from a friend yesterday from vermont- they had a baby in jan… lucky them
    i hate them and their happy baby bath posts.

    o, and sunday i bought a baby jacket with a bunny on the back. aaron seemed to think in might help… to be hopeful, you know.

    i’m not sure

  2. tara Says:

    i keep reading trying to get a feel for whether miscarriage means, hey, cool at least you are fertile enough to get pregnant… or if it still means IVF decisions (which morally I’m not down with) are looming.
    i think i should stop googling and blog surfing but it’s like a train wreck… I must watch, can’t look away.
    I want to extrapolate from someone else’s experience to mine, I want that to be truth, but it really isn’t. Sloppy science as they said on House last night.

  3. Elizabeth Says:

    Yeah, I go back and forth on the hope thing too. Which is why I have two handknit baby sweaters stowed away that are “not for sale,” but in my mind I’m holding them lightly… in case I end up giving them away instead.

    I think it’s the uncertainty that drives me mad – like you say, everybody has a different road map, so you can’t follow another story line and think yours is going to match.

    I feel like reading other people’s stories at least normalizes my emotions though. And I have learned a lot of useful information. Yeah. It gets too heavy to carry it all sometimes though.

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