I was just in a super-crappy mood today; not sure if it was the cold, the ridiculously malfunctioning heating system in our apartment (and big old fight that ensued regarding how to deal with this problem), or the doctor’s visit this morning that reminded me that, yeah, it’s probably not “just going to happen, naturally.” All I got was a referral to the gyn who works with Cornell, who will re-evaluated if I need further tests (or do-overs) and may refer me to an RE, particularly if I insist on it. Hard to figure out what exactly insurance is going to pay for… or not.

At least I’m not feeling quite as Scroogish as I did last year… although the Advent season is certainly not putting me in a yippy and prancy mood.

Yuletide 2005 was probably one of the most seriously low points of my life… it marked 12 months of trying unsuccessfully (as far as we know) to conceive, putting us officially in the “infertile” category. It was also a year since I had last seen my brother-in-law, Aaron Kane, alive. Christmas 2004 I was literally surrounded by my nearest and dearest – my parents came up from Peru, my sister and her husband and baby daughter drove up from Florida, and my in-laws live in our town, so it was one big Happy. I had just gone off the Pill and was optimistically browsing exercise video catalogs for pregnancy workouts, planning a maternity wardrobe… Fast forward one year: my sister is a widow, my parents are in Peru, and I’m infertile.

So there I sat in church on Christmas Eve, a complete puddle of tears, surrounded by people singing about the wondrous birth…it seemed like everywhere I looked were babies and pregnant women. Dang, they really come out of the woodwork when you least need it, right?

I know that the happy-smiley look of the congregation is just so much cover for an awful lot of pain; anywhere there’s a collection of human beings there will be trauma, drama, and dysfunction just beneath the surface. It would be unfair of me to think that I was the only one feeling pain in the congregation that day. But it really felt like it. These public fora can be particularly difficult as we all conceal our pain from each other, each isolating ourselves in our little pockets of misery.

This year we’re going to Peru, and my sister has a new beau, so hopefully I’ll be too distracted to think about how badly I had wanted, last year, to announce a pregnancy at Christmastime.


2 Responses to “Christmas”

  1. tara Says:

    i am sort of looking forward to christmas but my grouch levels are elevated as well…

    part of it comes from the fact that the pill is over this week so the possibility of preggers or no comes back in a month along with the more ‘pressing’ need to make fertility decisions

    also quit the anti-depressant: turns out it makes me vomit

    refuse to take another one until i get near melt-down levels… decided that i am ‘all better’ and my stress or negativity is nothing a little trip to the gym can’t cure

    plus if i lose weight i might get prego! (ah the tiny optimist within me…)

  2. Elizabeth Says:

    Go endorphins! 🙂

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