Loved this quote, from Tears Are For Babies:
So take that you sonofabitch, baby-stealing, heartbreaking, family-wrecking, mind-numbingly awful, infertility! I hate you! And I will do everything in my power to BRING YOU DOWN! You’re not going to stop me! This bitch is on a roll!
So here I am, squarely in the second trimester. I looked up when I first felt movement with V., and it was at 14w2d. However, we saw on the last ultrasound that the placenta is in the front this time, so I wonder if that means I won’t feel movement as much?
I’m still wrapping my mind around the idea of a little BOY… looking at some of V’s very pink baby things and feeling a sweet sadness at the thought of putting or giving them away for good.
Digging out some of my old maternity pants. Unfortunately I loaned away all my sweaters, favorite pants, and all the tops I had but one (a heather gray T-shirt – can you say frumpy???). I’m not even sure where the tops ended up, because I think after I loaned them to my sister she passed them on to someone else. I think the reason there are so few maternity clothes in thrift stores is that women tend to circulate them around their friends. I may have to bite the bullet and spring for some new stuff. But not for another couple months, I think.
I’m also going around and around in my mind about the VBAC thing. My therapist is of the very medical and safety school of thought that would never even have second thoughts about scheduling the c-section. She also thinks LLL is a “cult” (she apparently had a very bad experience trying to BF). On the other hand, my sister, as I’ve mentioned before, is a homebirth enthusiast and profoundly mistrusts the medical profession. I feel like the cartoon character with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, except that in this case I can’t tell which is which, and frankly, I don’t think either one is either. I guess I just want to talk to someone with more expertise than I have who isn’t totally biased one way or the other, who will actually listen to me, not judge me, and help me figure out what’s best for US.
In some ways I feel like with a repeat c-section, I know what to expect and I know how to prepare for it. A VBAC opens up the door to all kinds of unknowns. It offers the opportunity to “prove” something to myself and to T., but also the risk of failure and of serious injury. (Although my sister would argue that major surgery would entail both of those as well.) I know T. is in support of the repeat c-section, but I’m toying with the idea of looking into the homebirth option; apparently some people around here do go that route although I’m fuzzy on the details (e.g. if they have an MD backup or not). So far I’ve been leery of hooking into the local “alternative” birthing network just because I don’t want to be judged by closed-minded people. Ironically.
The doctor I talked with at the OB/GYN I’m going to now was very sweet and kind and basically assured me that if I could guarantee she’d be the one to deliver my baby if we go the scheduled route. Which in a normal labor and delivery scenario isn’t the case, you get whoever’s on call. So round and round I go in my mind. I suppose I’ll get there eventually.
Short version: scan went great, all markers look good for normal healthy baby, and… it’s a boy!
Longer version: forthcoming.
Thanks for checking in 
Due to a major traffic jam, I was unable to make it to my appointment and had to reschedule for Wednesday. So anti-climactic. I feel like I’ve spent all my worry-energy and now just feel calm. In fact, I’m thinking of telling T. that Clara is going with me, and telling Clara that T. is going with me, and just going by myself. I feel bad for wasting 3 hours of her time this afternoon for NOTHING.
Nervous, nervous, nervous.
A few nights ago I dreamed that I was pregnant with quadruplets, as a result of IUI. But somehow I found out that the sperm sample had gotten switched and I had been inseminated with one from my college ex-boyfriend!!! The horror! I was trying to figure out how to tell both the ex and my husband when I woke up. And that was the third time in one week I had dreamed about the ex. Another time I dreamed he was dead, and we were at his wake. Just strange.
Just now during my afternoon nap (o luxury!) I dreamed that my mom was worried about my scan tomorrow, telling me “but the leaves haven’t fallen off your back.” Apparently a sign of early pregnancy (in my dream) is that dark leaf-shaped patches appear on your back, but they fade away as the pregnancy progresses. But mine weren’t fading away. I said to her, “I know, and my belly isn’t popping out like it should be either.” I know where this anxiety is coming from – I saw a woman at church today who is about 2 months further along than I am but is looking VERY pregnant, whereas I’m still incognito. Even though none of my pants fit anymore.
On Monday, I’ll be 13 weeks. We made an appointment for the nuchal translucency screening, even though I have to travel an hour to a different city and unfamiliar hospital to do so. T. and I were both stressing about me going alone, and trying to figure out who I could ask to go with me. Finally I settled on asking my friend Clara (pseudonym), even though she is 34 weeks pregnant herself. She doesn’t have young kids at home, and is taking the semester (mostly) off from her university teaching job since she’s due in February, so of literally everybody I know she has the most flexibility in her schedule. Well, except my MIL, but I need her to watch V. that afternoon.
So I will have a friend along in case there’s bad news.
But I’m really glad to have the opportunity for another peek inside. Even as the symptoms accumulate, I still find myself wondering if there’s really a little life in there.
I’ve developed a near-constant twitch under my left eye, and I’m not sure if it’s just about Monday, or also everything else we have going on – T. just took on a big consulting contract in addition to his regular job, which will be a major and very welcome increase in our income this year. But it’s also a LOT more work, obviously, and entails some international travel (4 days this month, 2.5 weeks in March). It’s a really good gig and could open some doors in the future so I’m glad he got it, but it also means he’s less available at home. And at this point we’re leaning towards going to Albania in the Fall. So it’s a lot. I guess that’s why I’m back in therapy.
Thanks for all the comments ladies! I’m blushing!
So I went to see my therapist this afternoon, an appointment I made in early December when I got tired of waking up every morning hating life. I’m not feeling that way right now, but it still felt worthwhile to go see her since my head is swimming in the face of some of the decisions we have to make, some of them really soon.
1) Do we go ahead with our plans to go to Albania (or Colombia) next fall, or postpone for a year?
2) Should I try for a VBAC?
The first question is largely an intellectual one, to my mind, but we are dealing with so many unknowns that it’s hard to deal with solely on the basis of logic, even though that’s how I make most of my decisions. Also, there is a strong affective factor in that T’s feelings about his current job are a huge motivation for us to leave sooner rather than later. So it’s complicated.
The second question evokes a lot of emotion for me. I’m still grieving the loss of the opportunity to have a “normal” birth experience the first time, and trying to process what it means for my sense of identity and self as a woman. The facts are that the only OB group in town here who’ll do VBACs is the one with the midwives, and I had a pretty negative experience with them back when we were doing the initial IF testing etc. I really don’t feel confident in their ability to provide me with competent care. I do know a number of women who LOVE them and have had only positive experiences there, but I also have two good friends who were just as if not more so traumatized by the lack of, shall I say, professionalism there. So I’m not going back. My other option might be to go back to NY to the OB who delivered V., although that wouldn’t guarantee me a VBAC, just the opportunity to try.Which doesn’t seem worth it to me.
Having another scheduled caesarean at least gives me the illusion of control, in a way. But I still cry when I think about being excluded from the tribe of women who all know what it is to be in labor, to time contractions, to have their husbands be in awe of their strength and fortitude. I think it’s the last bit that is especially hard for me to let go of. I wanted to impress T. Oh well.
After the session this afternoon T. and I went to a coffeeshop to talk through everything together, and while I felt like we were largely just repeating the same conversation we’ve had over and over for the past few months, and are no closer to making any decisions, it did help me gain a little more clarity on what exactly is at stake for us, especially with decision #1.
Ok, I’ve rambled long enough and I think T. wants the laptop back.
Thanks for listening. Y’all rock.
So, here’s the whole story, fresh for 2010.
If you’ve been following along, you saw that I was trying to decide to POAS (pee on a stick) or not to POAS? Even assuming a really late ovulation, I was on Dec. 17 by my reckoning at least 2 days late.
So I did it. And got the BFP. So I POAS again. Five days in a row, five unmistakably double lines.
I wrote that I was still doing the TP tango – because I was. I was checking for blood. I couldn’t believe it might be for real. I made an appointment with the OB for Dec. 29 when I thought I’d be about 7 weeks along. I prayed into the darkness, “please be alive, little tadpole, please…” I steeled myself for an empty sac, for a silent heart.
So imagine my shock when I lay back in that darkened room, dildocam nestled all snug in its bed, and gazed up at the screen, only to see – not the little bean-shaped blob I expected, but a honest-to-goodness baby - a real, live fetus, with a heart beating 167x/minute. The technician said dryly, “That look s more like 11 weeks,” and went to get the doctor.
But I distinctly remember bleeding on November 9. Red blood. Right on time. Like an actual period. I even posted about it here.
I’m still flummoxed.
So… 11 weeks, huh? It wasn’t until after the appointment that I was able to pull out my calender and really count back the dates. We must have conceived right after T. came back from his most recent consulting trip, the last week in October. Right before V. weaned herself.
I’m still stunned.
I had no freaking idea I was pregnant until 2 weeks ago. I had coffee several times a week. I had alcohol at least 6 times that I can remember. I slipped and fell hard on my icy front steps three weeks ago. I was bleeding, from my vagina, on November 9. Ok. So. Yes, it was a very light period, now that I think about it, only 4 days long and not a single fully soaked tampon. But red. Blood. If I hadn’t seen that little fetus on Tuesday, if I hadn’t actually heard the beating heart, I’d be seriously freaking the hell out. So in a way, I’m glad I didn’t know, when I fell, or when I was bleeding, that I was pregnant at the time.
EDD is July 19. I can’t wait.
Well.
Where to start?
Thank you to whoever put me up on the LFCA, sorry there was nothing to see here for all 14 people who clicked over (Well, NOW there is!)
So. Um, yeah.
(Deep breath)
I’M PREGNANT!
… not only that, I’m 11 FUCKING WEEKS PREGNANT! And three days! Apparently!
How?!?!?!??!?! The heck!?!?!??!?! Did THAT happen???????? And why did I wait so long to tell y’all?
Stay tuned….
